New year new you? Advice on new year's resolutions and how to make them work.

‘Should I Make New Year Resolutions?’

You really don’t have to make New Year’s Resolutions, but here’s some advice about how to make them work if you do.

You don’t have to make changes

There’s a lot of hype about New Year’s Resolutions but that doesn’t mean you have to do them. Instead of thinking ‘this is s**t, I’m going to change it’ maybe think about what is good for you right now – what do you enjoy about yourself and those around you? Maybe your New Year’s Resolution could be to stop making resolutions and to chill and enjoy what is happening (just like I give up giving up for Lent).

Everything’s changing anyway

We grow and learn and stretch and change all the time. Our brains and personality and what we think are constantly changing – even now, as you’re reading this, and now …. and now ……. and now. This pressure about what we’re going to do in the future distracts us from it. Think about this for yourself, how have you changed over the last year? Made new mates? Learnt something new (either about yourself, people around you)? Developed some new mad skillz? (innit) What events have happened, how have you responded?

Pressure to change

There’s a lot of pressure to change ourselves and our bodies – lose weight, get a six pack, extend your penis, drop a dress size, be better at sex, get laid more, find ‘the one’ etc. There are a lot of companies trying to sell you ideas of what we should look and be like – particularly at this time of year. So if you want to make changes think about why and who you’re doing this for. If you’re making change cos you feel like you ‘should’, cos everyone else is doing it on their social media of choice or to get someone off your back are you doing it for you or them?

Pick useful goals

People make goals like these all the time.

“I’m going to lose a stone by Valentines Day.”

“I’m going to stop drinking for a month.”

“I’m going to get a six pack by summer.”

“I’m going to get married this year.”

Some people make them, are determined and stick to them. Yay for them. However a lot of us find it really difficult to stick to them. Even if we do get them we may not keep it up. This is because they are goals that measure your performance – so it’s all about whether you win or not rather than learning what works for you along the journey.

If we pick goals that are about growth and little change we are more likely to enjoy them, work hard and learn more about how to achieve them both in the short and long term.

“I’m going to try to really enjoy eating a more varied and balanced diet.”

“Rather than just drinking for the sake of it, I’m going to think about how much I’m enjoying it at the moment.”

“I’m going to try and find a form of exercise that I enjoy and do that more.”

“I’m going to try and meet more people, enjoy going on dates and working on my flirting.”

Notice the difference? They’re not all or nothing (they’re not very ‘catchy’). They give you room to try out different strategies and tactics. You don’t have to do things one way, you can be creative about how you get there. They’re about being in the present and learning about yourself. They build your capacity to learn. They are more likely to help build your confidence. They also take you out of the “I’m a success/ I’m a failure” trap.

The success/failure trap

We all have setbacks. How we respond to them is down to what we think about ourselves. Some people are like:

“bah, I’m not going to bother with this anymore. I just can’t do this. It’s too much effort and it should come naturally to me. I’m rubbish at this.”

Other people are more like:

“well I didn’t manage it this time but if I keep at it and try something new I might be better at it next time.”

We’re probably all a bit of both, but it’s probably more helpful to aim to be a bit more like the latter rather than the former.

An approach to life where you are less about the ‘success/failure’ thing and more about the ‘gradual learning and growing’ thing is ironically more likely to make you succeed. Bit like the advice I give about ‘trying to orgasm’ – you’re better off focusing on enjoying sex rather than setting the goal of having an orgasm (which in turn is more likely to bring orgasms). So think less about the goal and more about getting there.

The goals you set for yourself can help with this. If you pick goals that are all about success or failure then not succeeding might feel like a massive setback. > You forget about what you wanted to achieve. > You beat yourself up about not being able to meet your goal. > You feel crap about yourself. This is why a lot of New Year’s Resolutions get dropped and why they can make us feel even worse about ourselves than we did on 31st December.

So if you are going to make some resolutions think about where you are and what you’ve achieved so far. Think about the pressure to ‘improve’ and where that comes from. Think about who the change is for, you or someone/thing else? Think carefully about what you want and what kind of goals you set for yourself. Accept that you will have setbacks, be kind to yourself, keep at it and try a new strategy.

Or in the words of Samuel Becket “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

For more reading on this check this by Meg-John Barker and this by Gary Wood also check out the work of Dr Carol Dweck and her excellent book ‘Mindsets’ or this paper (pdf) for some fascinating (but I found quite hard going) reading on performance and learning goals.

More things you might wanna read at Bish

Success/Failure – why both success and failure isn’t a helpful way to view your life

How to Do Self Care – if you’re feeling crap about yourself maybe instead of making resolutions you could just be nice to you?

How You Feel About You – more on how you might change how you feel about yourself

© Justin Hancock, 2016

 


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