Ask Bish

37 thoughts on “Ask Bish”

1. Please can you explain more about aftercare…. My ex partners never really did anything after we’d both finished but they were casual. In my current relationship my bf feels it is important and he normally kind of does the aftercare but I want to make sure he is also getting that so what can I do beyond asking how it was for him etc

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   1. That’s a great question thank you. I’ll answer that properly in an article in the next couple of weeks and will post here when I do. Justin

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2. Hi,

   Idk if this makes much sense but I don’t really get aroused? I watch porn and masturbate but only because I’m bored. I started watching porn/masturbating at a very young age tho, but I didn’t really know what I was doing, it just felt good so I did it all the time. It’s a bit hard for me to get wet and when I do, I get dry very fast again. I’m a virgin so I still haven’t had actual sexual physical contact (apart from making out), so I’m not sure. I just don’t get that burning/“feeling hot” sensation people talk about. On rare occasions I do get turned on, but it’s not often at all. I don’t have a partner or anything so this is all by myself, but I think people get aroused when by themselves. I’m just scared I’m broken or that I won’t ever be able to enjoy myself 🙁

   Adding to this, my clit feels very desensitized. I hump my blanket ever since I was very young, very often, so maybe it lost its nerves? I don’t feel anything with my fingers, etc. and from what I’ve seen, women mostly orgasm with their clit being stimulated but I don’t rlly feel anything. After I hump my blanket and get close to orgasming I rub my clit and it finally feels good, but apart from that it doesn’t feel much.

   Thanks!!

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   1. Hiya. I’ll try and write a longer answer in a week or two when I have more time, but in the meantime you might find this resource on how to enjoy solo sex helpful. I think it might be helpful to slow down and try to just notice what’s going on in your body, rather than to try to make your body do something. Feeling horny is a complex feeling which is partly ‘you making it happen’ and ‘it happening to you’ – like your outsides and insides working together. So if you slow down you are more likely to notice this feeling at the very first signs. Maybe then you can have a relationship with masturbation and your body that feels more like you are working together as a team? It’s very unlikely that you have desensitized your clit. You might also want to look at my resources about the clitoris and the vagina.

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3. Hi!
   Idk if you’ll be able to answer but I need to ask.
   I started using a makeup brush to masturbate but my hand gets tired very fast. I also like to hump my blanket (it’s what I’ve been doing for years but I wanted to try penetration, I’m a virgin). I wanted to ask, is there a way to use the brush without using my hands? I’m scared to hurt myself or tear my hymen (I’m not sure if I still have it but I never bled).

   Thank you!

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   1. Hi. I don’t really recommend using objects that aren’t designed for masturbation to be used to masturbate with, especially internally. If it has sharp edges then it can cause little tears inside the vagina. There’s more on this here Ask Bish – Masturbation With A Marker Pen and here I’ve hurt myself masturbating. Humping a blanket or a pillowHumping a Pillow, Is It Normal? is fine. Even if it was safe, I can’t think of a way to masturbate using a hair brush that didn’t involve your hands. If you were able to buy sex toys (which are usually only sold to people over 18) you could get a toy with a suction thing at one end which can stick to flat surfaces, so that you don’t have to use your hand.

      About the hymen, a lot of us sex educators have started calling it the corona instead. It’s not a wall of skin which covers the vaginal opening, but is a layer of mucous tissue which surrounds the opening. Occasionally this can partially cover the opening, but mostly it surrounds it. The corona kind of ‘smooths out’ over time, through exercise, masturbation, use of tampons, or just fingering the area (even if it’s not masturbation). There’s more about this, and some nice drawings which explain it, here at my article about the clitoris and the vagina.

      Sorry I can’t be more helpful!

      Justin

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4. Hi, I’m 17 years old and have been masturbating for a while, but I recently noticed that sometimes when I’m really aroused the area around my vaginal opening gets very painful. Massaging the area seems to help relieve it, and when I do I find my lower vulva is swollen and hard. This doesn’t happen if I do foreplay on my vagina to get myself aroused, only when I’m doing anything else, like touching other parts of my body (even touching my clit w/o touching the v), watching/reading erotic things or even fantasising a bit too hard. I was wondering if I should be worried about this? When I try google, the only thing that comes up is pain with p in v sex but that’s not what’s happening, and I’ve never done that yet. I can’t find anything helpful on the internet so far. Is this something that I should talk to a doctor about? Thanks

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   1. Hi. Thanks for asking! There’s a bit of advice below about what it could be, but if it’s ‘very painful’ this is one for you to talk with a doctor about. Let me know if I can help you to do that (the way you’ve explained it is really clear by the way). I’ve been googling around too and none of the things it could be look like an emergency. However, it’s not good that it’s ‘very painful’ when you’re aroused, so let’s get someone to help you. You can see your GP and everything is confidential. You could also google ‘young people’s sexual health service’ near you to find your local clinics. Even though you’ve not had p in v sex yet sexual health services can be good places to go to with things like this, particularly ones aimed at young people. I’ve written about what it’s like to go to these services here.

      Questions your doctor might have for you are: does the pain go away when you aren’t aroused? Can you describe what kind of pain it is (an ache, or a tingle, or sharp, or a dull pain)? When you massage the area does the pain go away and start to feel nice or does it just make the pain a bit less bad? Are there times when it feels good to touch your vulva, if so when and how are you doing it? They might also ask you about your periods (if you get them) and whether you notice whether the pain is different at different times of your cycle. You could use my calendar to help you track your periods.

      To help you have this conversation I can point you in the direction of my resources about how the clitoris, vagina, and vulva work and this picture of the internal clitoris. During arousal the clitoris (which as you can see surrounds the vagina) fills with blood and gets hard, it’s called vasocongestion (and is the same thing that happens to make penises hard). So this could explain why the lower vulva is swollen and hard. Some people say that this gives them a ‘dull ache’ or a heaviness in the vulva area, but you’re saying that the vaginal opening gets very painful, which is different. If the pain doesn’t happen at all when you are masturbating the vagina area, then it could be that this is just how you have to masturbate. If it actually feels good to massage around the vaginal opening (to the point where it feels pleasurable or even that you are having an orgasm) then this is something that you can do without problems.

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5. Hi bish, i hope you’re still there answering questions..

   I want to ask, i had sex with my partner using condom thrice within a week, i want to know how safe it was.. from the first play until the third, i always make sure doing every single bit of protocol for using a condom, from checking the exp date, checking the packaging/box, putting it while pinching the tip, until pulling out (after ejaculating inside) with the hand holding the rim of the condom so it doesn’t slip out.. even after done with it, i always put water inside the condom so i have visual is there any microtears which i didn’t see any.. also my penis always hard so the condom always really intact with my penis all the time, i also use lubricant so it reduced the frictions

   so am i safe?? i’m so worried about that i will make her preggo, is there any way or chances that somehow i miss something that potentially could lead to preggo? like maybe the precum/sperm got out/pushed out somehow due to the frictions of the motion?

   please enlighten me with some objective honest answers, because internets answer somehow sounds like they want to calm me down instead of the honest truth..

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   1. Hi there. Condoms are very effective at preventing pregnancy if they are used correctly (which you are). They are thought to be around 98% effective. This means that if 100 women have sex using condoms perfectly every time for regular sex 2 or 3 times a week over the course of a year, then 2 of the 100 women will get pregnant. So it’s not a 2% chance of pregnancy for using condoms every time you use the, it’s a 2% chance of pregnancy over the course of a year. Here’s the academic research that all the stats we sex educators use come from. As you can see, that research is an estimate too. So it’s incredibly unlikely that you are going to get your partner preggo if you keep using condoms correctly. To reduce the risk even further you could withdraw your penis before coming, so that you aren’t coming inside the condom inside her vagina. Or she could use another form of contraception. Or you could have different kinds of sex that don’t result in pregnancy, like the ideas I suggest in my article about how to have amazing sex without having penis in vagina sex. I’ve also written an advice article to someone else who was really anxious about getting someone pregnant, which you might find helpful.

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   2. I just had sexual intercourse with my partner. I used a condom and followed all the protocols: I checked that the expiration date was still far off, inspected the packaging (including checking for the air bubble before opening), opened it without using sharp objects or long nails, and ensured the condom was rolled the right way (with the rim on the outside like a hat). I also used lubricant on the outside. After ejaculating inside, I withdrew while holding the rim at the base of the penis. Afterward, I checked for any micro-leaks by filling the condom with water, and there were no leaks at all. Is there anything I missed, and are we safe?
      Additionally, when I was withdrawing, I noticed that the semen was not all collected at the tip but was instead smeared around the head and even shaft of my penis. Maybe it’s because we played for a good amount of time and i was exhausted so my penis wasn’t on full erection when ejaculating idk. Is there any indication that the semen could have leaked out from the rim at the base of the condom?

      Furthermore, my partner just finished her period on January 19th (it started on January 13th). Does the menstrual cycle pose a risk if we had sex with condoms during her fertile window?

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      1. You’ve used the condom perfectly. As you prevented sperm from ejaculating fully inside your partner’s vagina, there is pretty much 0% chance of pregnancy. Remember perfect use of condoms is thought to be 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. This means that if 100 couples regularly had penis in vagina sex using condoms (with full ejaculation inside the condom) for a year (so 150 / 200 times) then 2 people would get pregnant.

         Even even sperm leaked out around the base of the condom it would have to find its way into the vagina, which is very unlikely to happen. To help retain the semen at the tip of the condom you could leave a bit more space when you are pinching the top. Penises ejaculate upto 2 teaspoons of semen (sometimes more), so you need to leave enough space for this. I usually advice a couple of centimetres. You can see how I do it at my how to use condoms guide.

         Perhaps if you keep using condoms in this way, and noticing how good they are at preventing pregnancy, then you won’t feel the need to check with someone like me about how safe it is. However, if you are still concerned then you could use condoms and not ejaculate inside the vagina (using the pulling out method with condoms makes it even safer). Or you could have different kinds of sex that have no risk of pregnancy at all, like I describe in my article about how to have amazing sex without having penetration. Also, lastly, your partner could look into other kinds of contraception to see if there are any that might work better for her. You could also speak with a sexual health service near you about it to get some more advice and reassurance.

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         1. Thank you for your answer bish!

            But just recently, my partner started bleeding lightly like few droplets..

            I’m afraid that it is an implantation bleeding, is the implantation bleeding a fact or myth? Despite our effort with the condoms, is still possible that we are failed to prevent pregnancy? Or it is likely something else?

            I don’t know where we failed if our condom fails.

            My gf said it is maybe just a menstruation, but wasn’t it impossible if the gap with her last period (19th Jan) around 10 dayish, and her period also last 6 days which should be considered a good period cycle right? So where’s this “dark-red blood droplets” coming from?

            What are we missing?

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            1. I’m afraid I can’t really get into this much further as it’s getting beyond my level of expertise, I’m not a medic you see. There are lots of reasons for there being a little blood in between periods and, particularly for people just starting their periods and for people coming to the end of experiencing periods, it’s common due to hormone imbalances. There’s a helpful summary of all the things it could be here at Healthline. It could also have been droplets of blood from the sex you had too. The advice seems to be that if it keeps happening and doesn’t go away then it’s a good time for her to visit the doctor.

               It’s also important not to get too stressed about it (in fact stress can cause spotting in between periods) and not to stress each other out. Just keep an eye on it and speak with a medical professional about it if you need support. As I say, you used the condom perfectly so it’s highly unlikely that this will be signs of pregnancy. One thing that she could do (not you) is to track her own menstrual cycle with my guide here (the old fashioned way, not using apps).

6. Hi. So my boyfriend and I have dated for a couple months now and we just started having sex. We talked about it prior and he’s dominant and I’m summisive. So when he starts to pound me he will go slow at first but then just wants to pound me fast. I get so turned on and I honestly want him to but then it almost feels too good? Is that a thing? Like I can’t handle how good it feels and I have to tell him to stop. Is that normal?

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   1. Hiya, I’ve answered your question about whether sex can feel too good here here. I hope you find it helpful.

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7. I am an 18 year old guy and i think i have phimosis when erect. i am a virgin so i only notice it when masturbating . will it go away and what should i do?

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   1. If you’re talking about tight foreskin, here’s some advice for you about how you could loosen it. When you masturbate you could use a lubricant or oil to help loosen the skin and perhaps just see how far back it goes (without it hurting at all) and then just hold it for a few seconds. Keep repeating that and you might notice it starting to get a little looser over a few weeks. Don’t do anything that hurts. If it hurts, stop. If in any doubt at all please speak with a doctor.

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8. Hey. Just a quick question: when should ejaculation first happen. I realise it is different for everyone, but I would like a general idea from a professional.

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   1. You mean, in the life cycle (like at what age) or when should it happen during masturbation or sex?

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   2. Yes, age

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      1. So that’s a very interesting question and I’ve had to do a bit of research about it. The short answer is the average first age is 13 – 14, but this from studies of boys around the world who self report their first ejaculation. So this is when boys wank to completion for the first time. However, they might have ejaculated before that without realising (also known as wet dreams). Also there is a wide range of responses, so some boys may have ejaculated much earlier than 13 and others much later. Does that answer your question? I’ve got an article about puberty here.

         Here’s an interesting academic article about first time ejaculation in boys. Chad, J. A. (2018). The First Ejaculation: A Male Pubertal Milestone Comparable to Menarche? The Journal of Sex Research, 57(2), 213–221. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2018.1543643 There hasn’t been any work on first time ejaculation for girls because that’s not seen as being to do with puberty, more something which can happen during sex and masturbation. Here’s more on the history of female ejaculation Joanna B. Korda, Sue W. Goldstein, Frank Sommer, SEXUAL MEDICINE HISTORY: The History of Female Ejaculation, The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 7, Issue 5, May 2010, Pages 1965–1975, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.01720.x For people with DSD (differences of sex development) it’s thought that all sexual development happens later de Brouwer, I. J., Suijkerbuijk, M., van de Grift, T. C., & Kreukels, B. P. C. (2022). First Adolescent Romantic and Sexual Experiences in Individuals With Differences of Sex Development/Intersex Conditions. The Journal of adolescent health : official publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine, 71(6), 688–695. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2022.07.012

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9. Love your articles, they are so helpful. I am in a new relationship which is completely physical at the moment and I’m so happy with it. He loves everything nasty and I am completely new to this and totally enjoying it. We have experienced some amazing things and I want to go further. He likes to take charge and I’m totally great with that. I need help with what exactly getting nastier entails, we’ve done a lot together, the nastier I am the more turned on he gets, can you expand on this without holding anything back? He is amazing.

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   1. Thank you, I’m glad you find my articles helpful 🙂 I’m not sure I can help you much with this one I’m afraid. I’m not sure what nasty means, I think some people use this word to mean rough sex or kink, and I’ve got advice about rough sex and kink here. You might also find this recent article on how to be more confident helpful and also this recent one on compromise and sex might help you.

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      1. Thank you! Your articles are so helpful I’m so glad I found you!

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10. The guy who I’m seeing always talks about putting a baby inside me when he’s just about to cum/cumming during sex. I can’t use hormonal contraception so we use condoms. I’ve asked him about this and he says it’s just a fetish he has and he doesn’t actually want to get me pregnant, just the thought of it in that moment really turns him on. Should I be worried about this like would this be something he actually wants to do or not? I’ve never really heard of this being a thing

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    1. Hiya, I’ve answered that here https://www.bishuk.com/your-questions/he-talks-about-putting-a-baby-inside-me/ Hope you find it helpful, thanks for such a great question

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11. Is it possible to have sex after two days of ovulation

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    1. Yes, but if you want to avoid pregnancy you will still need to use birth control / contraception. This is because it’s very hard to know when ovulation has actually happened. Most of the menstrual tracker apps are just guessing. I explain more about this in my article about tracking your own menstrual cycle.

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12. My dick fell off from frostbite what should I do?

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    1. I’m sorry that happened. If you managed to find it, put it in ice (or on a frozen bag of peas) and take it with you to hospital as they may be able to stitch it back on. Best of luck with it! Justin

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13. Hi,
    So I think I might be masturbating wrong. When I finger myself I only touch the outside of my vagina. I never go inside because of fear and because it feels weird and when I do happen to go inside I feel dry. Like there’s only lubricant outside of my vagina never inside. Also it doesn’t feel good anymore. I remember I used to feel so good pleasuring myself. My face would turn red, and my legs would be shaking and now it doesn’t feel good anymore. Thoughts?

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    1. You could try doing other things, either other ways of masturbating or just some other things. It’s really important not to try to make yourself do things but instead to be with your body all the time. Treating yourself with consent and remembering that you and your body are constantly changing. So different ways of masturbating might help you (for example, not just touching your genitals), or just having fantasies and thinking about sexy things. But also maybe you want different kinds of excitement? For example exercise? I wrote this a few years ago which covers similar ground on how you can be with your body rather than trying to make it do things

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14. Hi,
    Looking for some advice on being more confident with talking to my bf about sex and what we both like or don’t like. He’s very confident and finds it easy to tell me if he wants more or less of something, or wants to try something new. However i struggle with it. When we have sex he’s dominant and i’m submissive, which is something we spoke about and are both into. And during sex, when he’s being dominant and dirty talking it really turns me on. However when we’ve finished, he often wants to ask me if i enjoyed it, how it was, if i liked what he did/said and ik that’s a good thing he asks, but i get so embarassed to answer his questions!
    I’m not sure if im embarassed because once we’ve finished i’m not really turned on anymore so i no longer find things hot and feel more kind of awkward about it?
    Me and my bf have been together for 5 years so i trust him.
    Thanks in advance for your advice!

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    1. Hiya. I’ve answered your question here I Get Embarrassed When My BF Asks Me Questions After Sex

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15. Hi
    Any plans to make this an accessible sight for disabled people who need captioned video instead of walls of text? There are many with print reading disabilities and others who need video/animation to attend and get that extra layer of language.

    Many Thanks
    Sonia

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    1. Hi Sonia. That’s something I’d love to do, but I just don’t have the funding. I used to make videos back in the day but they are incredibly resource intensive and date very quickly. I only have enough funding to work on this for around 0.5 days a week at the moment, which means I only get to do around 1 new article a month (as well as editing old ones and responding to questions and doing outreach). I might be able to do audio versions of posts in a podcast type feed at some point. I appreciate this isn’t a good enough answer because I want BISH to include everyone, but this is clearly a failing I can’t address right now.

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