Why do people have romantic relationships?

Homework for you to think about why people have romantic relationships and whether we need to have them.

For more general advice on how to do relationships read the Brief Guide to Relationships 

This one is a bit of homework for you. You need to get a piece of paper and a pen (I’m going to use my brand new felt tips)…. Got them?

Your task

Write down all the different reasons for why people might want romantic relationships. You might want to write what you want from a romantic relationship but what also people want generally. Base this on what you’ve heard, seen and been taught.

Do that now and then come back. Once you’ve done that scroll down below.

[no cheating]

[sure you’ve done it?]

What did you write down? Here’s what I wrote (I did it on the train, the person next to me was giving me really weird looks). I bet some of it is similar to what you’ve written on your list, but that doesn’t mean there are any right or wrong answers.

Look at your list. What do you think generally? How many do you have? Are they all about one thing or lots of things?

Next bit

Now for the next bit. Which of the things on your list can only be achieved through having a romantic relationship? Think hard about each one and circle any that can only happen by having a romantic relationship. What did you find? How many circles?

What a lot of people find when I do this activity in real life is that actually, none of these (or very few) can only be achieved from having a romantic relationship. Now have a think about these quite important questions.

• Do we expect too much from romantic relationships?
• Is there a pressure to be in a relationship (or not be single)? If so, why?
• What are some of the advantages to getting so much from one kind of relationship?
• Now, what are some of the disadvantages to getting so much from one kind of relationship?
• Where else can be get some of this stuff from?
• Can we give some of this to ourselves?

There’s more than one kind of love (and more than one kind of relationship)

What’s the point, BISH?

We expect relationships to give us lots of things. It can feel fantastic to have someone so close and connected who can give us everything we feel we need. However just because we can get this from one person doesn’t mean we don’t have to look to our other support networks to get what we want (friends, family, community, faith, work, hobbies, social networks).

Expecting so much from just one person puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and us too.

Thinking that we have to get all of this stuff from one relationship puts pressure on people to get into one too. It’s possible to give yourself a lot of this and still be single. For instance if we count solo sex as sex (which I think we should) then people who are single can have loads and loads of very enjoyable sex indeed whenever they want (just not on the bus).

If we are solely reliant on one kind of relationship at the expense of others it can make us very dull. You know those people who gets so loved up that they totally forget their mates for a bit. But it can also make us very vulnerable.

Read this on why we should think about putting mates before dates sometimes.

Making romantic relationships seem the most important can be dangerous

Some people make someone very reliant on them and stop them from having their own lives. This is abuse.

Some people can use this to their advantage and say ‘you can get all these things from me, why do you need anyone else’. They can say that they get jealous of you spending time with other people (friends, family) or are unhappy with you pursuing your own career/work/school/college.

Also if someone is getting all the things on your sheet of paper from just one other person then it makes them really worried that if the relationship ends then so does much of what is good in their life. Their security, finances, love, sex, safety, home etc. This means that people can be in relationships that are pretty shitty: either abusive ones where they are being deliberately harmed or rubbish ones where they end up being less and less happy.

Read this about abusive relationships and what to do if you are worried about a friend.

Try and be chill about romantic relationships

Remember that all relationships do end eventually. This why it’s important to remember that there is a U in Couple. It can be lovely being together with someone but all relationships need a bit of distance too. Make sure that you keep doing your own thing and think about where else you can get some of the stuff you want or need from a relationship.

So whether you are in a relationship or not, maybe think about what it is that you want and need. Think of all the different ways that we can get these things either by yourself or with the help of others too. How can you invest your time doing your own thing and also how you can put work into all your other relationships too. Think about what kind of relationship you might want and what kind of things you definitely do want to get from a relationship.

© Justin Hancock, 2025 Find out more about me and BISH here.

I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

What Else Can I Help You With?

There’s a comment box below (scroll down) if you want to give me feedback or ask a question (don’t leave your full name and I pre-moderate all comments). Or you can ask me a question here.

Or …

Search by category

Or you can search by tags

A-Z of Porn About You Abuse Arousal Ask Bish Body Image Clitoris Communication Condoms Consent Contraception Coronavirus Dry Humping Ejaculation Erection Feelings Friendships Gender Kissing Law Love Masturbation Oral Sex Orgasm Parents Penis Pleasure Porn Positions Pregnancy Pressure Relationships Safer Sex Saying No Self Care Self Esteem Services Sex Education Sexting STIs Teach yourself Team Bish The Right Time Trust Vagina

If you have a question that I’ve not already answered you can contact me here

What do you think about BISH?

I’d love your feedback about the website please! I’m doing a PhD research project at Nottingham Trent University about BISH and it’s really important for me to get your thoughts about it. There’s a short survey here. It will just take around 10 minutes. It would really help me to help you, so it would be great if you could take part. 

[Practitioners, although this website isn’t aimed at you, I’m keen to hear your thoughts about BISH too as you may have made use of it in your work. If you do work in or around relationships and sexuality education could you do this survey instead please. Thank you!]

Here’s How To Stay Updated With BISH

Most of my readers like to stay updated via email. So sign up here and get an automatic email every time I post a new resource on here.

And you can also keep up with me via social medias. I’m not an influencer, I put all my time into this website and also I think people trust sites like this more than social media. So I’m not very active on there but I try to post when I’ve done a new thing. TikTok. Instagram. Twitter (I’ve kind of stopped posting there now). YouTube. You could also follow me on Reddit if you like (just starting out, so tell me which sub-reddits you’d like to see me post in).

Funding and Support

This website is funded by people like you who find it useful. As you can see, there are no ads, it’s all free, and I’m not really selling you anything (apart from my book, which is great). Here are all of the ways you can support BISH from just £1 a month and help keep this website going.