how to have amazing sex without having 'sex;

Amazing Sex Without Having ‘Sex’

‘Sex’ is not just about entry sex. Here’s how you can have amazing sex that doesn’t involve putting anything in anyone.

You might have seen me use the terms ‘entry sex here – just to be clear, this refers things like penis in vagina or sex toy in anus. Non-entry sex is is sex (clue is in the name). It’s less risky re STIs or pregnancy but it’s also much much more enjoyable for many people. Lots of people need different kinds of sexual touch to enjoy sex. That’s what this piece is about.

It contains quotes about how sexy these things can feel. This helps to convince people that they do actually count as sex. So be warned, sexy quotes ahead.

Whispers

Feeling wet kisses and warm breath on my ears and neck sends shivers down my spine. It turns me on when you whisper in my ear where you would like to touch me.

Whispering and breathing in someone’s ear can feel really really nice to some people, others aren’t that keen on it. Whispering is also a great way of communicating, it can make it easier than saying it out loud. Saying how good something feels, or how sexy they are, or asking how they are feeling, or asking them if they want to do something else or where they would like to be touched can be very sexy.

#protips Not everyone likes it. If you can’t think of anything to say, just say mmmmmmm. Some people like a wet ear, others not, so maybe don’t slather them with your tongue. Some like their ear lobes to be gently nibbled.

Bites and nibbles

Sometimes people like to be bitten (or to bite) their snogging partner on the ear lobe or in the neck or shoulder. For some it can feel really really hot, others hate it. So it might be a good idea to ask someone if they would like to be bitten before asking them: for instance “do you like love bites?” “would you like to be nibbled” “can you gently bite my neck please.”

#protips Easy tiger, don’t take a chunk of flesh out of them! Love bites are just about giving them a gentle sharp nibble that hurts for a short period, think of it like being pinched. Ask how hard and where they want the bite, they leave marks (see the picture) which last for a couple of days. It can be embarrassing covering these up whatever age they are, so some people say below the neckline is fine but not above.

Read about how to do sex talk and communication

Stroke

“It sent me crazy when she stroked my inner thigh for ages. I was so turned on that I thought I was going to explode with excitement.”

Stroking and massages feel great. Stroking someone through their trousers, leggings, tights, pants can also feel really really good. If that feels good then stroking around the genitals feels good too.

Grinding

I know it sounds stupid, but I love just grinding. It’s like we’re having full sex but with all our clothes on. It gets really, really hot and is completely safe, which is why it’s good.

#protips Sometimes the roughness of fabric against penises or vulvas can cause chaffing (and this can lead to thrush sometimes), so maybe wear soft pants/trousers or try not to do it too roughly. Also be careful not to trap or sit on testicles (ouch).

“Lying next to my partner naked feels great. All that skin on skin contact is amazing whilst we’re using our fingers, caressing each other.”

Grinding is also something you can do naked, but remember to keep it safe you might want to keep your genitals away from each other or wear pants or wear condoms/dams.

Licking

“Kissing and licking nipples really makes my partner squirm. I take my time doing it licking around them and then maybe sucking them.”

Just cos you’re naked doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex if you don’t want to. Licking and kissing each others bodies can really turn people on. Some people have really really sensitive nipples and like them to be played with. You could also have a game of follow….

We play this game where I put my fingers on my body and wherever my fingers go, his mouth goes. Wow it’s amazing!

Read more about how you can have orgasms without ejaculating

Explore

I like being touched really lightly where I’ve never been touched before, like my wrists, the back of my arms, my kneecaps, then try somewhere more obvious.

There are some obvious areas that might be described as being ‘erogenous zones’: breasts, neck, mouth, genitals, blah blah. BORING! The whole body can feel really really sexy and sensitive. Explore with your partner where they might like to be touched. Try touching yourself and your partner in different ways: sometimes hard is good, sometimes a light touch with fingernails is better.

Read where people like to be touched

If it’s cold out try dribbling warm (not hot) drinks on each other: hot chocolate for instance, mulled wine (for the over 18s among you) and then licking it up. If it’s hot you could try ice cream, or even an ice cube – but never inside anyone and be very careful around the genitals.

Tease

My advice is to take it really slowly and build up the excitement. Don’t just stick your tongue in their mouth and your hand down their pants! That just turns me off.

Taking things slowly is good because then no-one feels pressured into going further than they want to, but also because it can be really really hot. However it can be frustrating if one person wants to go further than the other. It’s important to talk about this. Talk about what you want to do, what you are happy doing and what you want your partner to do.

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© Justin Hancock, 2022

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Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. He’s a member of the World Association for Sexual Health.

11 thoughts on “Amazing Sex Without Having ‘Sex’

  1. I just had amazing sex this morning without entry with a penis. It’s the first time since my husband’s prostate was removed in August. I knew he wasn’t ready but I couldn’t take it anymore and we had a conversation 😹 It’s not easy to talk about this stuff even when you’ve been together for 33 years, but I’m so glad I spoke up and I’m so glad he’s such a good sport about it. I never thought, when I was young, that there would not be an erect penis in my life, but no one talks about this stuff. The aging process is not kind. He can’t feel anything yet and is currently incontinent from the operation so I can’t do what I want to but I am going to be working his inner thighs and seeing what I can do to get him to feel good. I’m glad you are here, bish, and btw, my husband has a small penis and I love it! It’s definitely the motion of the ocean and not the size. I didn’t get married until I was 30 and we both had an embarrassing amount of lovers post birth control pills and pre-aids so I’ve seen a lot of penises and I can tell you that each one is different and loveable. Society has done us a disservice telling us that women don’t want sex when we’re older and that penis size is important. We’re all just looking for love and good sex. It must be cultivated. I’m working as hard as I can to have a full sexual life and stay true to my partner because, let’s face it, life is soooo short. Have good sex. Have hard conversations and great orgasms. Free yourself from cultural boxes we are put in. Love every inch of yourself and others will too.

  2. hello i would like to ask and answer my questions because i am curious so this is my question

    Is there a chance that you will get pregnant when your partner ejaculates inside you, but you used pills (contraceptive pill)

    Is there a chance that you will get pregnant even if your partner ejaculates outside. but he has no use of protection?

    i hope u can reply to me i really want to feed my curiosity this time thank u!!;)

  3. With the grinding deal:

    Wet Humping apparently is as good, if not better than, sex itself(According to most people whom I’ve asked about it).

    To add as well:

    The only way Wet Humping can get you pregnant is if Sperm gets inside the Vaginal Walls/Lips. Which usually takes cumming/Ejaculating inside of them in the first place. Just be smart about it is all you really need to do.

    1. Thanks Triston. Good advice!

      To be really careful wet humping can be made safer with condoms. Even though there is a very low risk of pregnancy from this it is possible to get/give some infections from this.

  4. Hello. I have a verrry close female friend, you could pretty much say we are dating. Anyway we have taken things pretty far and I know she is 110% comfortable with this. However sometimes she confuses me. One day we will mess around and have fun and then be in the same exact situation a few days later but she will be completley against doing anything. I don’t want to push her but it’s extremely hard for me not to when I’m in the mood and ready to go. Any helpful tips/advice??

    1. Girls can be confusing (I know that because I am one :P) sometimes girls can be in the mood and other times they don’t even wanna think about that stuff. It’s not your fault she does that it’s natural (a bit like mood swings), just take it slowly and when the time is right I’m sure you’ll have a great time 😉

      1. If someone says they do not want to have sex (even if you’re in a relationship) and you you do it anyways, that is considered rape.

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