How To Have Sex
A basic guide for how to have sex and how to make it good, especially for the first time. It should feel nice, not painful or uncomfortable.
People say that first time sex with someone is always rubbish or painful – nonsense.
First time sex should feel really good especially if you know the kind of sex you both want to have, if you feel comfortable together and you can communicate.
Do you want to do it?
Remember that the only reason good reason to have sex is that you actually want to do it. You’re not doing it for anyone else, or to prove yourself, or to say you’ve done it, or to show you love someone etc etc. More about this here.
What is ‘it?’
People often think they know what ‘having sex’ means, but actually they don’t. People are different and they have different ideas about what sex they might want to have. If you rely on ‘what counts’ as sex you may end up not enjoying it or even having sex you haven’t actually agreed to. So try to think about this before you do it and try to communicate this to your partner. More help with this here and here.
Take your time
It’s important to take your time for first time sex, yes to ‘make it special’, but also to make sure that you both have enough time to get comfortable, get turned on and to actually enjoy it. Quickies can be fun, but probably not for first time sex. I know that young people don’t get that much private time where they can be alone, but try and give yourself a couple of hours.
Try to give yourselves a couple of hours so you have enough time to get used to each other and to get over how strange it might feel at first.
Sex should never feel painful at all – if it is please both stop. However it might feel a little bit strange at first and there’s a lot to get used to. Taking clothes off with someone, touching someone and having someone touching you for the first time can all feel really weird at first. So it’s good to have a bit of time to get used to it and to be able to talk about how it’s feeling.
Find the right place
You might not have your own place or have enough cash for a hotel room, so finding somewhere to do it can be tricky. However you should be inside, in a private space where you can close the door. It should just be the two of you and you know that no-one will interrupt.
In order to enjoy sex you need to be relaxed and comfortable and not worrying about being interrupted.
Sometimes parents or carers will allow their kids to do it in their house, or might ‘turn a blind eye’ if they go out for an evening, or they might not. Remember it can be difficult for parents to deal with this: what would you do if you were a parent of a teen?
Being turned on
If you aren’t really feeling it then don’t do it! Both people need to be turned on and relaxed for sex to be good. Wanting sex and being turned on aren’t the same thing – as you can see here.
Whatever bits you have in your pants, they should be throbbing.
Vaginas will usually be quite moist; if it isn’t then the sex may feel painful, especially if the vaginal corona is tight. The vagina expands and relaxes when sexually aroused (turned on), this means that fingers, a sex toy or a penis should slide in without it hurting. This is why it’s important to get really turned on first with stroking, nibbling, kissing, holding, is very important. Click here for more about the clitoris and vagina.
For extra wetness use some water based lubricant: for anal sex or sex with toys, use loads of it (the anus doesn’t respond to sexual arousal in the same way as the vagina does). Water based lube is safe to use with condoms.
Penises get hard when turned on but not always. It can be hard to get a hard on sometimes: nerves, pre-sex tension, worries (‘will they like it’, ‘this is the first time anyone has seen my hard on’, ‘will their parents be back soon’ etc) can all seriously affect the hardness of a penis. Once an erection arrives it can soon go away too. Remember you don’t need an erect penis to enjoy sex – you really don’t. Sometimes men and women have sex with each other, which is well popular but not for everyone. When they do they can sometimes find that there is a difference between how quickly it takes for them to get aroused. I explain why that is here.
They make entry sex (vaginal or anal sex) look dead easy in films – one person gets in between the legs of the other and easily slides into them – but it’s not as easy as it looks. If you’re doing it for the first time then it’s a good idea to masturbate each other for a bit first. You could also insert a wet, finger inside your partner first. Do this slowly and carefully. When your partner is more relaxed you can move your finger around and then insert another finger. This makes the opening big enough to insert a penis or toy. It helps for other person to guide their partner to the right place.
If you’re going to have entry sex you need to go really slowly and carefully at first. Nothing should be ‘forced.’
Then put the hard penis (inside a condom) or toy inside, very very slowly at first. Slowly slowly. Keep checking in with each other that this feels okay. If it does then you can gradually build up the speed and hardness if you want. Once the penis is sliding in and out easily you can decide to move more quickly and hard, or do it slowly and deeply.
The ‘best’ position
In my opinion people are a bit obsessed with the right position for sex. Finding the right position depends on what you both like, how mobile you are and what kind of sex you want. There are no rules and no magic positions: just do what feels good. If you’re doing it for the first time it might be best to choose a position where you are both facing each other. Communication (both with or without words) is easier when you can see each others faces. More on positions here.
If you’ve talked about the kind of sex you want to do and don’t want to do then you may have an idea of what to expect. However if things start feeling uncomfortable or not what you expected then you should both stop.
During sex it’s important to really pay attention to whether each other are enjoying it.
You can use words and short phrases (which are often easier to blurt out) whilst you’re doing it. You can also communicate through other noises, facial expressions and the way we touch each other.
In films, TV, porn and books (looking at you Fifty Shades) everyone has orgasms really easily. Orgasms can feel great during sex, but not everyone has them when they have sex with someone. Different people need different kinds of sex and touch to have orgasms. For instance penis in vagina sex is usually more stimulating for the penis than the vagina. Also it can be difficult for people to ‘let go’ during sex and have one. Also when you really want something it can make it harder – you know when you really need to get to sleep but can’t? So try and chill, take the pressure off and just feel what feels nice.
How good should it feel?
If you do all of this, with someone you like and trust, then sex can feel pretty amazing. How great sex feels is difficult to say but sometimes it feels nice, comforting, intimate. Sometimes it feels exciting, exhilarating, passionate, knee trembling. Sometimes both! If it feels bad, disgusting, scary-in-a-bad-way, unsafe, boring, just something you are doing because you think you ought to: then why are you doing it at all?
© Justin Hancock 2015