How to Kiss

Did your sex education teach you how to kiss, how to make it consensual and make if feel nice? Nope, mine neither. Here are some expert tips from me, a great kisser and one of the world’s leading sex educators.

Kissing is often the first sexual experience that people have and is also often the first sexual experience they have with someone new.

But to start with it can be awkward. When you see people snog on TV, films, or in porn they don’t usually bang noses, or get hair trapped in their mouth, or dribble a bit too much saliva, or get a crick in their neck or accidentally bite each other. Like most things it gets better with practice. Obviously the best way to practise kissing is to find one person and kiss them a lot. I can’t help you with that but here are a few tips that might help:

Do you both want to kiss?

I’m a big fan of asking people if they would like to kiss, but I understand that not everyone can be that up front about it. Consent is really important, even with kissing, so if we’re not going to ask, what can we do? Let’s say that it’s clear you both fancy each other: either you’ve said it out loud or there’s a vibe. Little embarrassed smiles, glimmers of eye contact that make you tingle, maybe your heartbeats increase.

Now let’s say that you’re physically close to them, maybe sitting next to each other. If you’re not going to ask, you could just pause, see if you can maintain eye contact, are you both smiling and excited? You could very slowly lean in. (There’s more below about being slow). If you’re both leaning in, tilting your head, then you both want to kiss. Next.

Will your breath kill them?

Even if you kiss someone you fancy, bad breath can be a big passion killer. Good oral hygiene is important here. Brush your teeth twice a day, drink water throughout the day. If you’ve eaten something smelly or crunchy (like nuts) a stick of chewing gum will be helpful.

Try to have fresh-ish breath, but remember everyone has their own taste or smell.

Having said all that, you are not going to taste of nothing. We all have tastes and smells that might not taste exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. If you’re planning on spending any time up close and personal with another person you will have to accept that. We need to do our best to stay clean and fresh, but sexy times involve smells and tastes that we might not be used to.

Try starting slowly

There aren’t any great killer techniques that always work with kissing. As with everything with sex, everyone is different and the only way to find out what you and someone else likes is to ask. However the only technique tip I will offer is to maybe start off slowly. This helps to make sure that you’re both on board, but also helps to build the anticipation.

Slowly slowly builds anticipation and ensures you’re both up for it

As you lean in, pout your lips. This means putting them together and pushing them out in a way that they will form two little soft inviting pillows. As your lips meet you can just pay attention to how that feels, are they pushing against you lips too, or is it just one of you? If it’s just you, you could pull back a little and see if they want to come towards you, or unpout their lips.

If it’s all feeling good, you could gradually start to open up the lips a little bit. This reveal the softer, wetter, inner lips a bit more.

Everyone is different so there aren’t any killer techniques that always work.

Then gradually you might want to touch the inner part of their lips with your tongue, then their teeth. Your tongue might come into contact with theirs. Some people then stick their tongues deep inside each others mouths, moving them around each other, tasting each other. Sometimes people like to suck or nibble their lips or tongue. It can be slow, or fast, or gentle or hard.

When you get to this stage, if it feels good, do it (as my driving instructor used to say*) but you also need to pay attention to whether it’s something you both want.

Communicating while you’re kissing

I know that your mouths are probably busy, but people do communicate when they kiss. It’s great to hear feedback on your partner enjoying the snog. This can be done mid-kiss with ‘mmmmmmmmm’ noises (which feels nice because it kind of vibrates against one’s lips).

Talking while kissing …..

I find that having little breaks is nice, staying close to their face and just smiling or nodding. Just affirmative little actions that make them feel like it’s nice. You can whisper words or short phrases in their ear too, to give feedback on the snog or to ask for something.

If something is happening that you aren’t into then you can stop. It’s important that even with kissing that everyone is happy and agreeing to it.

Your hands

You’re allowed to use your hands during a kiss: it’s not football. You can play with their hair, hold their head against yours, or their shoulder. Maybe be cute and hold hands, or more sexual and stroke each other’s back and bums. When you’re kissing, your mouth is occupied, so as you’re paying attention to the kiss can you also notice if they shudder, or feel too ticklish, or if their body goes rigid. We don’t all like being touched in the same places in the same way. So be prepared to stop or change if it feels like they aren’t into this kind of touch.

Read this on how different bodies react to touch.

“Kiss my …”

Kissing is not just for the mouth. Snogging the ear, neck, shoulder, hands, wrists, arms, breasts / chest, can feel great for some people. You could think of oral sex just being like kissing someone’s penis, testicles, or vulva. As you kiss, see if you can pay attention to how things are emerging between you. Is it getting sexier, how are your bodies responding together?

Enjoy this snog, not another

All kisses and all kissers are not the same. So rather than just trying to have the same snog you always have, or being told how to kiss by people like me, try to be ‘in the moment’ and go with what feels good for you both right now. Remember a snog is a shared thing, not just one person doing something to another. Each kiss is it’s own special little moment that only you share, so pay attention to it and try to savour it.

If you want to do other stuff too you might find my What Is Sex? article useful and here’s some advice on how to Enjoy Sex More.

* I still haven’t passed my driving test

I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

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