There are lots of reasons for having solo sex - but how often do we do it because we might enjoy it? Here's why and also how.

Solo Sex

There are lots of reasons for having solo sex – but how often do we do it because we might enjoy it? Here’s why and also how.

People have solo sex for many reasons

Just like with sex with a person, people have sex by themselves for lots of different reasons. The reward wank, the procrasturbate, the boregasm, the wank to wake up, the wank to get to sleep, the ritual wank, [because porn], to relieve stress, to knock one out, to relieve frustration, the anger wank, to learn about our bodies, to practice for sex with someone else, to relieve pain, to take our mind off heartbreak. All of these are perfectly good and okay reasons to masturbate. But what about ‘doing it because we might enjoy it’?

Why can’t we just enjoy wanking?

Maybe (for people who do masturbate, not everyone does) people have lots of reasons to do it because they feel like they need to give themselves permission to do it. There are a lot of untrue stories around masturbation. Like if you’re a woman it makes you a slut, if you’re a man it makes you weak. That it’s dirty. It’s only okay if you can’t have sex with someone. Some people learn that it’s wrong and they shouldn’t do it. All this means it can be hard to admit that we might actually enjoy it.

It’s almost as if it’s more okay to have sex with someone else than it is to have sex with yourself. But what if we were to treat solo sex just like any other kind of sex? Maybe if we did we might have really enjoyable sex.

You should never/should always wank

We all get so many different messages telling us that either wanking is very bad or that we should definitely do it

We’ve all been taught lots of different things about masturbation. Many are negative (like above) and kinda say that you should never masturbate. But sometimes people are so positive about wanking and almost say that you should masturbate and that there is something wrong with you if you don’t.

All of this stuff we are told about masturbation can actually make it harder to think about what we actually want. You might want to spend a bit of time thinking about why you do or don’t want to wank. What are your feelings about it generally? Do you even want to enjoy it or would you rather just do it? It’s all totally up to you.

Take some time

Just like with sex with a person, it’s okay to spend a long time time doing it. Masturbation doesn’t just have to last for as long as it takes you to have a climax – it can last for as long as you want it to. It could be minutes or over an hour. If you worry about how much time you spend masturbating you could compare it with how much time you spent catching up with Game of Thrones, or whatever. If you do worry about that I’ve some advice here for you.

Get in the mood

If you have a room to yourself you can use great. Perhaps you can take some time to do whatever makes you feel sexy, relaxed or comfortable. Do you need to need to make sure you aren’t going to be disturbed, or aren’t going to disturb anyone else? A lot of people like to do this in their bedrooms, sometimes in their bathrooms (like in the shower or bath). Do you have a playlist to listen to, or some things you like to watch or read or think about?

Enjoy what you enjoy

Just like with sex with another person, there are lots of rules about what counts as solo sex. These rules are everywhere but are often in advice about masturbation (like mine here). The truth is what counts as solo sex for you is totally up to you. And as it’s something you’re doing by yourself, it’s nobody else’s bloody business anyway.

So if you are all about touching the outside bits of your genitals (like the clitoris or penis) fine. If you want to explore the inside bits (like the vagina or anus) also fine. The guide on how to do this safely is here. (Also please don’t use marker pens). But it’s also totally fine not to touch your genitals too.

Many people really enjoy touching different parts of their body. Some people don’t touch themselves with their hands or fingers at all – for example they might just like squeezing their thighs together. Maybe if you’re all about your genitals you could try exploring what different kinds of self touch might feel like. If you are patient and give yourself some time to notice what’s happening in your body and mind you might actually enjoy it. You might even really enjoy not touching yourself at all.

Really getting into solo sex

If you’re settling down for a nice bit of solo sex you can try to really get into it, rather than trying to have a quick orgasm, or do it to avoid doing something else. You can do this by really paying attention to everything that is happening in your body and in your mind, you can enjoy the wank more. So notice:

  • your breath and how it changes (from normal to maybe really deep, or shallow and fast like a mild asthma attack (though make sure you’re not actually having a mild asthma attack))
  • The noises you might be making (‘mmmm’, ‘oh god’, ‘yes’, ‘uh huh’, ‘Bingo!’ etc)
  • The feelings in your body. Is anywhere throbbing, tingling or twitching, or getting tighter or more relaxed? Go through your whole body, from head to toe.
  • Pay attention to what you can see, or hear or even smell.
Pay attention to your breath and how it changes . The noises you might be making. The feelings in your body. Is anywhere throbbing, tingling or twitching, or getting tighter or more relaxed? Go through your whole body, from head to toe. Pay attention to what you can see, or hear or even smell.

You might want to notice what you’re thinking about too. You might want to get involved in a story in your head, or put yourself in a story you are reading or watching. If it feels good it’s okay to go with it. If it doesn’t feel good or is making your anxious or worried in some way it’s okay to try to think of something else, or to go back to noticing your body.

As you keep being in the moment you might find that it all gets more and more enjoyable as your mind and body start to get excited by each other.

If you get distracted about what you should be doing, frustrated that because you are trying to orgasm or all the stuff you’ve learnt about solo sex that’s okay, you can just try to go back to what your body is saying to you. If you’re noticing that you’re not really enjoying it, that’s fine too. You’re allowed to stop at any point when you realise that you’re not really feeling it. You can always pick up again at another time, or not.

Learn to be a sexpert

How to Masturbate – a guide on how to masturbate safely

I Can’t Orgasm – advice for someone who is frustrated that they can’t orgasm

‘I Feel Guilty Masturbating About Celebrities’ – more advice about the ethics of wanking

Please leave a (nice) comment below if you like or ask me a question here.

© Justin Hancock, 2024 Find out more about me and BISH here.

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14 thoughts on “Solo Sex

  1. You talk about how porn can idk help (Is that the word I’m looking for?) in some of your articles, as well as others do. But I may just be looking in the wrong places… or something but I can’t find anything… Help? Like what can I do to get me in the mojo type thing? (I am sorry I am horrible with words when typing)

      1. Yes I think thats what I was trying to say. It was late at night (hence why I was confusing article with article even though i only read like 4, you never said porn can help, others did.)

        1. Okay then. As well as the advice I give on this page I think you might also like this one on orgasms Orgasms – why not just try to enjoy sexy times instead? and this about arousal and desire Desire and Arousal – Wanting Sex and Being Turned On and this one ‘I have a strong desire to have sex but no arousal’ The key is not to try to *make* yourself do anything, but just to try to be in your body rather than outside looking in. You might also like my Teach Yourself Sex Ed series because I cover this there too Teach Yourself Sex Ed – What You’ve Learnt So far Lastly, and most importantly, it’s okay not to feel any sexual arousal or desire. Some people just don’t experience it, or do but not very much, or only under certain circumstances, or do but it’s not that important to them. All of these things are okay. You might find reading about asexuality to be helpful Sexualities

  2. I know you made a whole article, but how do I truly feel Sensational and good when having solo Sex? I’ve tried to Masturbate and stuff but it all feels like I’m doing it wrong and I don’t know why. I really need some advice. Also which Sex Toy would you say is the best to purchase?

    1. I think that you are thinking too much about what you are doing (and what you are doing it with) rather than the how. If you want to experience pleasurable experiences in your body (including orgasms) you need to think less about technique and less about your genitals and more about what is going on in your whole body and in your mind. So the advice in this article is the best advice I think. Even if you were able to buy an amazing sex toy, it’s not going to magically change your life unless you do some of the stuff in this article. Don’t compare yourself to other people either. Here are a few other articles from me that cover this

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