Ask Bish – Is He Just Using Me For Sex?
We have sex up to 3 times a day, is he just using me for sex?
I’m 16 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months and we have sex up to 3 times a day most days so a lot. However, I sometimes wonder if he just uses me for sex and if the relationship is working anymore. Can you help?
Thanks for your question. I think a lot of people feel the way you do so hopefully I can give you and others reading some useful advice.
Why are you having sex?
The fact that you are even asking whether he uses you for sex (and that you say how many times you are having sex) makes me wonder about how you feel about the sex you’re having. Why are you having sex? Is it because you want to, because you both want to or because he wants to?
People have sex for lots and lots of different reasons – for comfort, affection, warmth, closeness, excitement, pleasure, to feel wanted or desired, etc etc. Think of the reasons you want to have sex. Are you getting what you want? Are they about you or are they about him/the relationship.
Remember that just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean that you have to have sex or that you have to have the sex that your boyfriend wants all the time. Sex should be a mutual thing – where you both do it to each other rather than one person just doing it to the other. (Consent, Innit)
Often when people ask me about this in person, I ask them whether they are getting any pleasure out of having sex at all. Sometimes they say ‘yeah all the time’, or ‘yeah lots of the time’ but sometimes it’s ‘um, not really but they like it.’ How much do you enjoy the sex you have? Are there some times, or some kinds of sex, that are more enjoyable than other kinds? If you’re not enjoying it and your boyfriend doesn’t care (or hasn’t tried to find out whether you like it or not) then it could be a sign that you’re in a not very healthy relationship.
Why are you in a relationship?
There are lots of reasons why people are in romantic relationships: comfort, closeness, someone to talk to, sharing good times, fun, laughter, support, money, sex, someone to cuddle up to, someone to go to things with. Think of the reasons you want to be *a* relationship (write a list). And then think about which of these you are getting from *this* relationship. (see Why Do People Have Romantic Relationships?)
Some relationships can be all about the sex. Hook ups, friends with benefits, shag buddies can be mostly about sex. Some more long term relationships can also be very very sexual too. This is completely fine, so long as everyone in the relationship knows that this is what it’s about and is happy with it. Informed consent, innit?
So, as well as working out whether this relationship is giving you what you want, you need to try and find a way to ask your boyfriend whether it’s giving him what he wants. It might be just about the sex for him, but it might not and unless you try to find a way of asking, you’re not going to find out.
Are you on the same page?
You refer to him as your boyfriend, does he refer to you in the same/similar way (you didn’t tell me if you have a gender ID)? If so, what does that mean to both of you? What do you expect from a boyfriend and what don’t you expect? Maybe write some of these things down. You could also check out the relationships graph
Try filling this in for yourself, or even together, to try and think about what is important to you in your relationship, what’s good and what needs work. This might help you work out whether this is working or not. Remember that there’s a difference to just saying the word “boyfriend” and actually *being* a boyfriend.
So there are a lot of questions here for you and for your boyfriend. I think trying to find answers to them will help you work out what you want to do. If you’re asking him, you can email or text/WhatsApp. Or try and gently bring it up when you’re not having sex. Try to have a clear idea of what it is you’re feeling and think of ways to say this simply. Start your sentences with “I” a lot and talk about you. Then give him time to say his thing too (and listen hard).
Hope this helps