Feel a Bit Better

We all struggle a bit sometimes with our relationships, our relationship with ourselves, and sex. Here’s a, research proven, way to feel a bit better.

This website is packed with top top advice and info about sex, love and you. Information, advice, and education is great because it helps us understand what’s going on. But this might not always make us feel better. Sometimes the best thing to do is just look and see what’s going on instead.

So this is something that I’ll invite you to do here. It involves looking at yourself on a scale. Research shows that this kind of thing can actually help you to feel a bit better (and sometimes quite a bit better). I’ve done some training courses about this and I’ve found it really helpful too. 

What is it?

All you have to do is to do the scales, and ask yourself some of the questions I put beneath it. You’ll need something to write on (or write on your phone). That’s it. Try 3 or 4 and see what you notice. If any of these seem too tough at the moment give them a miss for now (but see how you feel another time).

You could try doing these with someone you trust and can have these conversations with. If you do that, it’s really important to stick to the questions and don’t question any of the answers that they give.

There are scales for: relationship with yourself, romantic / sexual relationships, other relationships, your social life, leisure time, and sex life. You could also do one about school / work life or one about where you live.

It’s not going to work instantly, but give it a few weeks and then see if you feel a bit better. Scroll down to the end to see what to do next.

Your relationship with yourself

On a scale of 0 – 10 where 10 is ‘the best my relationships with myself could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? ___

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at a 6, why not a 5? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20? How about 50?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your relationship with yourself was a bit better

We can’t always feel great about ourselves because of the culture we’re in and how some people get more freedom to be themselves than others. But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher, what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this, so that’s something. It shows that you’ve got some qualities that help you to cope. How come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Now, scroll back up and have a go at the questions above. If this is too tough and you’re having a mental health emergency, here are some resources.

The BISH Big Up Yourself activity does a similar thing to this, but also gives you words to choose from which you might find easier. You might also find this article about how our bodies, emotions, thoughts, and actions make up how we feel about ourselves.

Romantic / sexual relationships 

On a scale of 0 – 10, where 10 is ‘the best my romantic / sexual relationships could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? ___

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at a 3, why not a 2? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20? How about 50?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your intimate relationships were a bit better

We can’t always feel great about our intimate lives because obviously this involves other people (and relationships education is non-existent). But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher, what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? It could be something really small about what you’re doing, or thinking, or feeling, or saying.  Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this – how come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Are you able to scroll back up and have a go at the questions above?

If this is too tough, you could check out the resources I referred to in the previous questions or find your nearest sexual health service. If your relationship isn’t in a good way at all and you need to be safe, have a look at this article from me. Or you can try the support groups listed here.

You could also try the BISH Relationship Graph, which gets you to think about different aspects of your relationships. If you want to be in a relationship and aren’t, try this new article about how to get a girlfriend / boyfriend / themfriend.

Other relationships (friends / family)

On a scale of 0 – 10 where 10 is ‘the best my other relationships could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? __

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at a 6, why not a 5? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20? How about 50?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your other relationships were a bit better

We can’t always feel great about our non-intimate relationships because obviously this involves other people. But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher, what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? It could be something really small about what you’re doing, or thinking, or feeling, or saying.  Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this – how come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Are you able to scroll back up and have a go at the questions above? Maybe there are some relationships that are higher on the scale than others. Try those first. If this is too tough, you could check out the resources I referred to in the previous questions. If your relationship isn’t in a good way at all and you need to be safe, have a look at this article from me. Or you can try the support groups listed here.

To help you actually work on this you could also try the (very silly) BISH ‘Being Friends Board game’. Or try the BISH Relationship Graph. Maybe also take my advice about putting mates before dates sometimes.

Your social life

On a scale of 0 – 10 where 10 is ‘the best my social life could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? __

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at an 8, why not a 7? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20? How about 50?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your social life was a bit better

We can’t always feel great about our social  life because obviously this often involves other people. But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher, what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? It could be something really small about what you’re doing, or thinking, or feeling, or saying.  Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this – how come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Are you able to scroll back up and have a go at the questions above? If not, leave it for now and come back to it another time (if you want to).

Leisure / cultural life

On a scale of 0 – 10 where 10 is ‘the best my leisure / cultural life  could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? __

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at a 1, why not a 0? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20? How about 50?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your leisure / cultural life was a bit better

We can’t always feel great about our leisure / cultural life because we might need money. Or you might not have a lot to do locally. But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher, what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? It could be something really small about what you’re doing, or thinking, or feeling, or saying.  Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this – how come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Are you able to scroll back up and have a go at the questions above? If not, leave it for now and come back to it another time (if you want to).

Sex life

(Sex with other people or sex by yourself)

On a scale of 0 – 10 where 10 is ‘the best my sex life could ever possibly be’ and 0* is the opposite, where are you at the moment? ___

• What puts you as high as that number? For example, if you’re at a 6, why not a 5? 
• How have you managed this? 
• What does it say about you? 
• Can you think of some qualities you have, or evidence, that puts you at that number and not lower? Make a list. Can you get to 10? Once you get to 10, can you get to 20?
• Who sees these qualities in you – what might they say? 
• What else puts you as high as that number?

If your sex life was a bit better

We can’t always feel great about our sex life because obviously this can involve other people (and our sex ed doesn’t help). But realistically, where would you really like it to be?

If you can get it to just one number higher (eg from a 6 to a 7), what might you start to notice? Try and imagine a time and a place in the next few days where you can tell that things are a tiny bit better. What might you notice? It could be something really small about what you’re doing, or thinking, or feeling, or saying.  Who else might see it and what would they see?

*If you’re at 0, that must be really tough, I’m sorry. But you’re here, you’re reading this – how come you’re not at -1? How have you managed to deal with this so far? Are you able to scroll back up and have a go at the questions above? If this is too tough, you could check out the resources I referred to in the previous questions or find your nearest sexual health service who could refer you to a psychosexual therapist.

There are lots of resources here to help you with your sex life, so use the search function.

So what now

Looking at your responses to each of the scales you did, do you notice any overlaps? Are there some parts of your life that are going better than others? Is there anything you can see from what part of your life that might help in another? 

You don’t have to do anything else now. Just see what happens over the next few weeks and then come back to these scales. If you do that, can you think of a time when things did start to feel a bit better? Can you describe every tiny detail of that moment? What you noticed, what others noticed, and how they responded? 

I got a lot of the ideas for this from the excellent solution focused training I did with Brief and their great Brief Coaching Book. If you are an adult and would like a coaching session with me, check out my other website.

Comment below if you like. I moderate all comments before they appear, just so you know!

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© Justin Hancock, 2024 Find out more about me and BISH here.

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I’ve been a sex and relationships educator since 1999 (with a background in youth and community work). In that time I’ve taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. I’ve worked with many charities, local governments, schools and youth organisations facilitating training and workshops. My two books, Enjoy Sex (How, When, and If You Want To) and Can We Talk About Consent? are widely available around the world. I’ve been on the telly and the radio and have written articles for newspapers and magazines. I’m also a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. Read more about me and BISH here. Find out about my other work here Justin Hancock

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