Here’s some advice for anyone who is struggling with feeling attractive, which includes any incel readers I may have. Don’t worry, I’m not going to yell at you or give you a bollocking. Here’s my best advice instead.
(Sidenote — this stuff is not easy. I know that many of you have tried some of these things. I can’t guarantee that this advice will help, but I can guarantee that it will make your life a bit easier.)
Yes Be Angry (just not at people)
It’s definitely easier for some people to attract people than others and yes, this should make you angry. But being angry at the people who are ‘attractive’ and also angry at yourself is not productive because it’s not their fault. As I say in this post, it’s the fault of the bullshit beauty standards that we see in TV, film, adverts and porn.
If you can direct your anger at how these beauty standards are shit for pretty much everyone (but particularly disabled folk, people of colour, and working class folks) then you might be able to give yourself an easier time. Also, it shows that you are right on, that you have your shit together, and a lot of people find that hot.
If you are angry at people and make them your enemy, then you are at risk of harming them. You are also at risk of making other people angry at the same people too. I’ve got some advice for you here about how to feel angry as well as how to feel sad. Read them and learn to feel your feelings.
Getting Your Shit Together
I think we are often attracted to people who have got their shit together, or are at least trying. It’s not easy to do because we are made to compare ourselves to the BS messages about what or who is attractive. We are encouraged to compare ourselves and be critical about ourselves and others all the time. However, there are many people in the world who don’t look ‘conventionally attractive’ and yet still do attract people. Why? Because they have got their shit together.
People who have their shit together look at all of this BS about what and who is attractive and take a minute (or a few years), to think about how they can be attractive in their own way and have a good relationship with themselves and others. This involves looking after themselves, thinking about themselves kindly, being able to enjoy doing things and enjoying other people. They can see themselves as humans doing their best to get through life and the BS that comes with it, whilst also giving other humans the space to do the same.
Read, how to love yourself
Now a word of warning. Getting your shit together is a lifetime’s work. I teach about this and I don’t always have my shit together – this stuff is hard but that’s also an important part of it. However if you keep at it you will get better at it and you’ll be kinder to yourself and others.
- How the Big Porn Companies Treat Their Viewers
- Capitalism and Porn
- Vanilla Sex
- I Feel Guilty for Not Sending Nudes
- Under age sex and the law
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
If you value someone purely on how they look then you are treating them as an object and not a human. If you compare that person’s attractiveness to you then you are also treating yourself like an object.
Neither of these things are fair because you are a human. You might not be perfect but you are a someone with interests, thoughts, feelings, desires, strange habits and an unhealthy obsession with snooker (oh, just me then).
Yes it is possible to have extremely sexy times with an object, particularly if you use a lot of lube, but if you want an object to desire you and make you feel desired, then good luck with that.
Be Genuinely Interested in You and Other Humans
So if it’s humans that you are interested in, it’s worth thinking about what kind of humans you would like to be attracted to you. But before that let’s start with you. Can you be genuinely interested in you for a few minutes. Go through this list of words and pick 5 that apply to you (if you can substitute your own words if you like).
For each word I would like you to say (or write down) why you have chosen that word and think of an example from your life. Then you could use this as a starting point to write down a short story of who you are. What are your interests, what inspires you, what kind of person are you, what are your important values, what are you good at, what would you like to be better at.
You could go on to use this as the basis for doing some online dating in the future, but for the time being just use this as a way to give yourself a big up now and again. Whenever you are feeling down or unattractive head to your words and your story and use them as a way to be kind to yourself.
When you are getting a bit more practised at being nice to yourself and being interested in who you are as a human, then you can start to do the same process for other people. Imagine the kinds of humans that you want to be with and then, if you meet any, be genuinely interested in whether they are a human for you or not (and allow them to make their own minds up about whether you are a human for them).
What Is It You Want Exactly?
There are a couple of posts on here about why people want to have sex and why people want to have romantic relationships. In those posts (go and read them, off you pop) you will see that there are tons of different reasons. Because people want sex and romantic relationships to provide them with so many things they can a) be disappointed that they don’t get all those things and b) it puts too much pressure on sex and romantic relationships.
So why do you want sex, or romantic relationships? Are there any other ways that you can get those things? Why do you want to be attractive? Are there other ways that you can feel attractive? Can you give some of this stuff to yourself?
Treat People Nice
Instead of aiming to be a nice guy or a nice person, aim to do nice. If you say you’re a ‘nice guy’ but yell at people or troll people online all the time then you’re not. Treating people good and nice means aiming for everything to be consensual and giving other people as many options as possible.
This means making it as easy as possible for people to not be interested in you. If that sounds like shitty advice it really isn’t, it’s the best bit of advice on here.
There are no quick fixes, but honestly I think this is the best advice and I reckon it’ll work over time. Good luck!
© Justin Hancock, 2021
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Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. Find out more about Justin here