A lot of men who have sex with women ask me about lasting longer, but should they? There are better things that men can be doing to help women enjoy sex more.
One of the most popular pages at Bish is my advice for guys (with penises) about how to last longer when having entry sex ???(tl;dr mindfulness + tactical wank). But a guy asked me recently ‘should guys last longer at sex’? Maybe that’s a more better question than ‘how can I last longer at sex?’
Should men last longer at sex?
I don’t think that men should be under pressure to last longer at entry sex. If entry sex with a penis is a thing you really enjoy, and your partner is up for it, then you should try to enjoy it. If you put yourself under pressure to last longer, like in porn, then you are enjoying it less. Or if you think about non-sexy things like cricket, or beans on toast, then you’re enjoying sex less too. Also if you only last for 30 amazing seconds and then feel really bad about it afterwards then you’re probably enjoying the whole experience less too.
Remember that many women (with vaginas) find that penis in vagina sex doesn’t do it for them no matter how long it lasts. Also many men (with penises) say that they prefer masturbation, or oral sex, or massages or whatever to this kind of sex too.
I also don’t think that we should be saying to men that they should continue to have sex with someone when they are no longer in the mood. The advice that we sex educators give (including me) to guys who have ejaculated more quickly than they want is: ‘you can continue pleasing your partner and you don’t need a hard penis to do that.’ Consent is something that is on-going and if someone goes off the idea of sex they should be able to stop.
So asking men to have sex when they really don’t want to isn’t cool I don’t think. Also it’s not cool to ask men to enjoy sex less so that it lasts longer. Both of these things puts pressure on them to treat themselves non-consensually and I don’t think that’s fair. You know there’s a ‘but’ coming right?
So what should men be doing?
Instead of trying to last for 3 or 4 hours, men should try to make sure that sex is as enjoyable for the other person as it is for them. This means that they need to do more talking – because of power, it’s often more easier for men to talk about sex stuff than women.
If you’re not bothered about whether the other person is enjoying sex at all I don’t think you should be having sex with people.
So, if you’re a guy who really enjoys penis in vagina sex but you know that it’s not going to last for a long time, instead of trying to last longer just say to the other person “look, I’m not going to lie, I really enjoy f*****g but it makes me come really fast.” Then you can both decide whether this is something you want to do and, if you want to do it, when would be the best time to do it.
Also if you know that after coming you lose your horn and feel sleepy, say so beforehand. Then you can talk about some of the other kinds of sex that you may both enjoy and work out what order to do them in.
Why should men do more to make sure women enjoy sex?
You know how I was saying that men shouldn’t have to keep having sex even if they’ve gone off the boil? Well, women have expected to do this for years and years and years. They are particularly told that they should be having penis in vagina sex because that’s how we reproduce (and women aren’t meant to enjoy sex anyway).
Women are often more under pressure to have entry sex when they don’t want. So instead of lasting longer, work out what kind of sex you may both enjoy
Sometimes women enjoy penis in vagina sex with men, but often they don’t, and often it’s not consensual. At the same time as telling women that they should have this kind of sex we also tell them that they are sluts if they talk about it or want to actually enjoy it. So men who have sex with women should be making more effort to make sure that women are enjoying sex and are consenting to sex.
So think of sex as a list of activities and decide which ones you both want to do and in which order. You can do this with a conversation face to face, or you can text each other what you like or you can communicate during sex (or, ideally, you could do a combo of all of these).
And if you’re not bothered about whether the other person is enjoying sex at all so long as you are enjoying yourself – I don’t think you should be having sex with people. I hereby revoke your sex licence until further notice.
© Justin Hancock, 2017