Advice for someone who was told by their mum that you have to be in love with someone before you give them a blowjob.
Love your site btw really helpful: but I just wanted to ask you something about oral sex. I speak to my mum about sexual advice but she says “Blowjobs are only if you really love someone, other wise its seen as slutty” and I did it to my boyfriend (now ex) but I also did it to this guy I like – does this make me a slut? The guy I like has now stopped talking to me so I guess I learnt my lesson but now I feel really low about it. I guess im a bit ashamed of myself but at the time I wanted to do it, and I didn’t feel pressured but it still doesn’t make me feel any better afterwards
Sorry for long para! haha
thankyou c:
Awww thanks for saying the nice thing you said.
Also thanks for your question. It’s a really interesting question that I’m sure a ton of people will read and be totally on your team. I’m sorry you’re feeling low and I hope my answer allows you to feel a bit better.
Our Mum’s Aren’t Always Right
Mums can be great but sometimes they aren’t right about stuff (sorry mum).
Blowjobs and oral sex in general can feel really really good (though not everyone is into it) and it can be a nice thing to do because it’s spending time giving another person pleasure. Many people give oral sex because they enjoy it and they enjoy their partner enjoying it. (Though I should say here that oral sex under 16 is illegal and there are some risks of STIs from oral sex – though it’s lower risk than other kinds of sex. More on this here)
So consider this – your mum may be wrong. Sorry if that gets me in trouble with her! What she’s doing is expressing her opinion about things and opinions are subjective ie they change from person to person and mum to mum. Also opinions change over time so that might be your mum’s opinion now but it may change next week.
Our opinions don’t come from nothing, they come from what other people say our opinion should be. If lots of people think our opinion should be something (or if important think our opinion should be something) then it’s a big pressure on us to have that opinion too. The good news is that you’re allowed to have your own opinion.
But I’m Not Going To Tell You What To Think
It would be so easy for me to say that it’s not a bad thing to give someone you don’t love a blowjob (it’s not btw) but I don’t think that would be very helpful. So instead of me telling you that it’s ok (it is) I’m going to go all sex educator on you and ask you to think about your values.
Values are similar to opinions but are perhaps a bit stronger. Think of them being like ways of how you want to live your life. What kind of a person do you want to be? What do you think is right? What values do you think are important in a relationship (whether it’s romantic, friendship, big time love or something else)? What kind of romantic partner do you want to be? What do you want from others?
So, for example, someone’s values could be “I want to do what I want to do” “I want to be generous but expect the same back” “I want to be a caring, nice person” “I wouldn’t want someone to do something I wouldn’t want.”
It’s not my job to tell you what your values should be – my job is to help you think not to tell you what to think. So please do this for yourself. To help you here’s a bit of paper to write yours down on. When you do this, think carefully about each one before you write them down. Really question them and think about whether it’s something you’re choosing for you or whether it’s something you think you should believe.
Once you’ve spent a bit of time doing this you might have a better idea about what kind of sex you think is cool rather than what other people might think.
What Other People Think …
Having our own set of values can make us feel more confident about who we are, how we want to behave and who we want to be around. Sounds great yeah? But what happens when we meet people with different values to us.
People reading this who have your back would say that you are being slut shamed. An example of slut shaming is when women are told they are sluts for having sex (particularly pleasurable sex) in any relationship that isn’t deep meaningful and romantic. Watch out if you don’t have enough sex because then you’re frigid or boring. As you can tell, this is pretty unfair.
It’s a very gendered thing which (in basic terms) means that guys are allowed to have sex but girls aren’t*. Maybe think about what your mum might have said to you if you were a boy (I’m assuming you’re not, but I might be wrong). Or think about what you would say if you had a daughter your age.
* though you should know that some guys get shamed for giving oral sex to women too – this term is ‘bo’cat’.
…. Can Make Us Think The Thing They Are Thinking
It’s so easy to believe what we think other people think about us. This is called ‘internalisation’. You’ve heard that only sluts give guys they don’t love blowjobs> you’ve heard this is a bad thing*> maybe you’ve started believing this about yourself> you’re feeling low.
(*people often now use the word slut in a really positive way – see slut walks for instance)
This can affect our self-esteem, which is basically how we feel about ourselves. Some people find that lots of people and society in general have these negative thoughts about them. This is often in the form of an ism – sexism, racism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, disablism, classism, ageism …. It can be hard hearing this kind of stuff but we don’t have to believe it.
Do You Know Why This Guy You Like Has Stopped Talking To You
If this guy you like has stopped talking to you because you gave him a blowjob before telling him you love him then maybe he isn’t for you. Check out your values and think about what you might want from someone.
However do you know this is what he’s thinking? The thing about internalising these negative thoughts is that we can believe them and we can believe other people believe them too. Is this going on for you and this guy? Perhaps try and find out what he’s thinking by, you know, asking what he’s thinking?
I hope you’ve found this helpful. I’d love to hear back if you want me to give more advice.
Justin
© Justin Hancock, 2014
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Same thing happened to me, i’lld rather just kiss than blow a guy anyday, but i blew a guy cuz it was on my bucket list, some months later, I told my ex about it and he wanted me to blow him too, which I did out of love for him, then he started disrespecting me and ignoring me, I started wondering if he saw me as a slut, cuz honestly, I’m no slut. Jeez, I’ve never even had sex before. Till now I’m depressed, and all my self esteem vanished. I’m scared my future husband will see me as a slut over doing something I didn’t even like. Full of regrets.
I’m really sorry you feel that way. If you have a look at the advice I have here about relationships https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/ and also about our relationship with ourselves https://www.bishuk.com/about-you/ that might help you a bit more. Particularly this post https://www.bishuk.com/about-you/big-up-you/
Ok so I gave this guy a bj and I’m 14 I’m really worried I’m gonna be called a slut and I don’t think it’s bad but I’m nervous of what others will think if they find out
Do you think that people will find out? For real there is a lot of slut shaming out there, but there are lots of people who will also have your back. Do people get called names for having sex in your friendship and peer groups?
I’m kind of shy some times when it comes 2 xxx
“Thankyou for that fab advice( on the whole BJ taboo) , in terms of how the boy is acting we spoke as usual for a bit after, we talked about what happened and he seemed really happy and even errrrr complimented me? haha but now we drifted haven’t spoken to him in 3 weeks? we usually talked every day and today I saw him walking down the road and I was walking towards him … he walked another way ( says how much of a prat he is) also his friends all look at me like to say ” ew you slut” so I guess he told them…”
It might not be what you think. Why not try and get him by himself and say how you feel. Speak for yourself rather than accusing him of anything (ie you don’t *know* that a) he thinks you’re a slut or b) doesn’t like you now). Say something like “I like you do you want to hang out again?” or “I really liked the stuff we did together, I’d like to maybe do it again if you want?” Sometimes boys need a bit of hand holding and to be guided in the right direction.
There’s a risk of rejection in following him up like this but you can’t avoid rejection or any difficult feelings. If you don’t ask you don’t get, if you don’t get at least you give yourself something by asking. Big ups innit?
Justin
PS thanks again for the nice things you said. I’ve had a crap day and that has really cheered me up! 😀