Warning. Contains references to sexual assault/rape.
Ask Bish – Your Questions Answered. Advice for someone who’s friend’s boyfriend is forcing them both to give him oral sex.
Me and my best friend Rachel are both 17. We hang out together quite often when she isn’t with her boyfriend. They both get on really well and she adores him but she has a problem with him and I’m now involved and can’t get out without her problems getting worse.
Her boyfriend loves being given oral sex and he wants it all the time. She doesn’t enjoy doing this and she hates the taste of cum. About 3 months ago Rachel told me that he often pressures her into giving him oral sex and forces her to swallow his semen. She said she loves him and didn’t want to end the relationship but she had begun dreading his demands as he refuses to use a condom and was making her swallow more frequently.
Knowing that I have had oral sex with my ex-boyfriend and I don’t mind swallowing, Rachel asked me if I would be willing to give her boyfriend oral sex as she hoped he would then stop making her swallow. I refused this at first but she kept asking every time we met up until she was practically begging me to do it.
Eventually after around 2 weeks of her pleading I gave in and agreed to it. She sent a text to her boyfriend who showed up at her house about 20 minutes later. I ended up giving her boyfriend oral sex in the bedroom while Rachel waited downstairs. I thought things might have been a bit tense between us after what I had done with her boyfriend but she was fine and seemed relieved that she didn’t have to do it. I realised it wasn’t going to be a one off thing, although I assumed they would only ask me to do it maybe once a fortnight or so, but for the last month or so Rachel’s boyfriend has been texting me around 3 or 4 times a week and expects me to give him oral sex whenever he asks for it. He picks me up in his car at the drop of a hat and drives me either to his house or to a quiet section of a local car park so I can give him oral sex. I know I shouldn’t give in to him but If I don’t do it he ends up making Rachel do it and she seems much happier recently.
Now I just go along with it. He’s not hurt me or forced me to do it and I actually quite enjoy it when it is happening but I know I shouldn’t be the one to have to do this and it’s not going to end while Rachel is still in the relationship but if I stop then he hurts my friend.
What should I do?
[Note – I’ve changed the names in this question cos anonymity innit]
Thanks for your question.
Many people have more than one sex partner and sometimes people have sex with their friend’s partners. This isn’t a problem so long as everyone is consenting and willing – however this situation is *so* not consensual or willing. I think you and your friend have found yourself in a pretty abusive situation. It might be tough reading that but I really think this is what’s happening. I’ll explain why I think there is abuse going on but also give you some support and advice about what to do next. Keep reading!
Why I Think It’s Abuse
I’m gonna quote things back from your letter. Again this might be a tough read (it was tough for me to read too):
“he often pressures her into giving him oral sex and forces her to swallow his semen”
“he refuses to use a condom and was making her swallow more frequently”
What you’re describing here is sex without consent. Sex without consent are crimes (like rape or sexual assault) and they can happen in relationships (they very often do in fact). You say that they get on well and that she adores him – but that still doesn’t change things. Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex against their will is wrong, wrong, wrong.
In order to protect your friend from harm you’re now also being pressured into having sex you don’t want.
“expects me to give him oral sex whenever he asks for it”
“if I stop then he hurts my friend”
Even though you say you’re going along with it and are quite enjoying it, this is still abuse and it’s still a crime – because you fear for the safety of your friend if you don’t do it. If someone is saying “yes,” if they fear what will happen to them or someone else then it is not consent.
Maybe you also fear what might happen to you if you said no. You say “He’s not hurt me or forced me to do it” which kinda suggests that maybe you’ve thought this might happen. This is particularly true because he’s driving you off to places where you probably feel quite alone, isolated and maybe vulnerable.
So I think this guy is abusing his girlfriend and also abusing you. I’m really sorry to have to tell you that – you might want to let that sink in for a bit. He is totally to blame for this and is using his power over you both in a way that is totally totally wrong.
What To Do
I’m not going to tell you what to do – you’ve probably had enough of people doing just that. What you should be aware of though is that you have options – you both do.
I think it makes sense for you and your friend to try and consider your options together so that you can help each other. If you both act at the same time then it may be easier for both of you. However if you disagree on what you should about this then you really need to think about acting in your own best interests at first.
I’d strongly encourage you both to talk to someone that you can trust in real life. Someone who knows one or both of you. Someone who is older, wise, or qualified. So a family member, a good solid friend or a school/college counsellor or youth worker or any other professional. It needs to be someone that you trust, that you feel you can talk to, will hear you out and will give you support.
Abusers often rely on the fact that the people they are abusing may not feel they can talk to anyone – particularly in cases of sexual abuse. Talking to someone can really help you to see what is happening and to get support.
You may also want to get some specialist help about dealing with an abusive relationship or sexual assault. There’s a list of services you can access at This Is Abuse which is a government led campaign to highlight abusive relationships (which has lots of information and support for these kinds of situations).
These people may be able to help you consider your options and to help you formulate a plan. What you do will depend on how safe you feel and how strong you feel. You might decide on both speaking to him directly about this (or texting or emailing), or getting someone else involved to support you, or reporting this directly to your local Police station or a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (try the Rape Crisis website or their freephone helpline 0808 802 9999 which is open 12 – 2.30pm 7 – 9.30pm).
So please talk to someone else about this in the real world and make sure that you are safe.