“I’m really scared that my boobs may not be as perfect as others …” Advice on feeling better about your body
Hi im a girl and im 16 i’ve had sex before with my boyfriend but i have this problem, well its not really a problem but i’m have really low self-esteem, i like parts of my body i dont think my body is that bad but im just scared that the person i have sex with won’t like it or take the piss out of it… when i have sex i always keep my bra on cause im really scared that my boobs my not be as perfect as others especially cause they aint that big as im only a 32/34B, i just want advice on what i should do to make me feel more confident and be able to take my bra off with out bein a shame ?
Hey! Thanks for your question. It sounds to me like you are lacking a bit of self-confidence about your body. This is very common, it happens to many (I bet most) people: both male and female. It’s probably a bit to do with self-esteem, but it’s probably also to do with the bodies that we see on a most regular basis (on films, telly, mags, newspapers). So I’ll go into a bit of that but will also give you some practical tips at the end, ok?
“as perfect as others”
First off I want you to do me a favour, please please never use the word ‘perfect’ in relation to yours or any one else’s body part again. There is no such thing as a perfect pair of breasts, ok? Just as there isn’t a perfect arse, or penis, or nose, or elbow. Newsflash = NO-ONE IS PERFECT. Mmkay?
Second you compare your breasts with others, I think you might feel more confident about your breasts if you didn’t. However if you are going to compare your breasts with others then you need to be comparing them with a broad section of the population: that is, you need to compare with real actual women, rather than women you see in women’s mags, Lad’s Mags, film, telly, newspapers, websites, porn etc.
These other ‘p****ct’ breasts that you have seen, were they attached to real life actual women? Or were they on the telly, in a film, advertising something, on the front cover of a magazine, on a website? Here’s some homework for you. Spend a week watching telly with a notepad. Note down what you see, how many ‘model’ type women do you see compared with ‘non-model’ type women? Hmm? Or go through some magazines, how many ‘real women’ (you know, actual women) do you see in magazines, or are they all thin with large boobs and flat tummies.
Remember porn stars are chosen because they often have big boobs or a big penis (and yes, sometimes both). Boobs in the real world are many many different shapes and sizes, which is great right? Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone’s breasts were like Jordan’s?
So if you do compare yourself with other people compare yourself with real people, actual women with actual, functional, common all garden breasts. Just don’t stare too hard, and if you get caught looking at other people’s breasts don’t blame me ok.
You aren’t just a pair of breasts with a head attached
You said that you might have low self-esteem (how you feel about yourself). Sometimes it’s hard to think about ourselves positively and sometimes we can be our own worst critic. So here’s some more homework. Go here, to my self-esteem pitstop page and pick out 6 things that apply to you (clue, they’re all positive) and say (out loud, unless you’re on the bus) why it is you’ve chosen them. If you find it difficult to think about yourself like this, then pick out which ones your friends or even boyfriend would say about you.
It’s easy to get fixated on our appearance, and I’m not going to pretend that it isn’t important at all, however remember that you aren’t just a pair of breasts with a head attached. You are made up of loads and loads of qualities, people like you because of them.
You also said that there were bits of your body that you do like, look at them, maybe in a mirror. Say why you like them.You don’t have to love your body, just like it, or like it enough.
Also remember that breasts aren’t just for looking at. Lots of people find them very sexy to touch because they can be very sensitive, particularly around the nipples and areola (bit around the nipples). Try touching them (again, not on the bus) and see how that feels. You might feel more positive about them if you know that they can provide you with pleasure. Some women can get very very turned on by touching their breasts.
If your boyfriend (let’s call him Fred) is a cool and nice guy he’s probably been really nice about your body and you and said loads of nice complimentary things about you. However we can only really truly feel happy about ourselves by ourselves. So try and focus on that. However if Fred has not been very nice then this is not going to help you feel better.
So now some actual advice
So far I’ve tried to convince you that you should just try not to worry about your breasts, no-one has perfect ones, you probably compare yourself to people who have ‘world beating breasts’, it’s probably all down to a sexist and patriarchal media that values women’s looks over their brains and accomplishments and you’re not just a pair of breasts with a head attached.
But but but, I like to give some actual practical advice so as well as all that try these:
I think it’s a good idea to tell Fred how you feel about your breasts. Telling Fred will help Fred to help you feel more comfortable about your body and will explain why you have been reluctant to take your bra off. You are also likely to feel more confident about yourself if you can trust Fred and if other parts of your relationship are good. Chances are there will be a part of his body that he won’t feel that comfortable about either.
Also remember that we aren’t born confident sexual people ok? It takes time and practice to feel comfortable in sexual relationships and with our own bodies. If you aren’t ready to have sexy time with Fred or want to take a break because you don’t feel comfortable enough yet, then that’s ok. Read more about this here.
2. Lights Low
Whenever people have sex on the telly, in Hollywood or in porn the lights are on really really brightly. Can you guess why? Yes it’s so we can all see what’s going on. Not much point in a sex scene if all you see is a black screen (though it might sound hot…). But this doesn’t mean that real people (like you) have to do it with the lights on. Turn them off, or have a low light on, or draw the curtains. Sex is a bit about the visual but it’s loads more about what we feel and hear and taste too.
3. There are no rules, you could keep your bra on!
Pssst! There are no rules, if you want to keep your bra on, keep your bra on. You can still enjoy sexy time with your bra on ok? It’s your call, don’t feel like you have to do it. YOUR BODY YOUR DECISION.
But if you do want to do it but are a bit uncertain you could take it off a little by little. You could pull the straps over your shoulders and see how that feels. If that feels good you can try keeping the bra on but just moving the cups down a tiny bit, if that feels good move them a bit more…
You could also try taking your bra off in the bathroom (or with Fred’s eyes closed, or blindfold him) and putting a top on that makes you feel sexy but without a bra. Maybe a vest for instance? Then you can have the feeling of you and Fred touching your breasts without them having to be ‘out’.
Hope this helps!