Ask Bish - Your Sex and Relationships Questions Answered

Ask Bish – Fingering Problems

Advice to someone worried that they can’t cum but also that they bleed when they do fingering. 

My first problem is that I can’t cum. I’m 17 this year and I just simply can’t. My ex had fingered me, and performed oral on me (Im still a virgin), but on all those occasions, I never came. He was always very patient, and he would finger me for half an hour, but I couldn’t cum. My legs did feel wobbly at the end of it but I never came and he would just stop. The odd thing is that when he stops, I don’t feel a need for him to continue, it’s like im turned off by then. I do try to masturbate at home but I could never cum either.

And that brings me to my second problem, I’ve realised I’ve been bleeding during masturbation. Whenever my ex fingered me, I never bled. He last fingered me a year ago. More recently, I’ve begun to masturbate, but in every occasion, I stop halfway to pull out my fingers to find in covered in blood. The first time it happened, it bled for a few days and was painful, then it turned brown after 3 days and then stopped. The second time it happened, I used a marker, I did wash it with soap, but it came out covered in blood, but I didn’t feel any pain. I read on a another question it may be the fact that I’m not wet enough/I hit my cervix. Also, I’ve realised that I do feel turned on, but I’m never actually wet.

Please help me!

—————–

Hey

Hey thanks for your questions. I’m going to answer your last one first and then your first one last.

Stop putting things inside you for a bit

I really think you should stop putting your fingers (or anything) inside you for a bit. I think that you are hurting yourself without realising. If you did this once and it was during your period (if you get periods) then it might have been that – but this keeps happening.

It could be that you have slightly cut yourself inside your vagina and you aren’t giving it the chance to heal up properly. Sharp nails (or marker pens) can cause little cuts that you might not be aware of and they may not even hurt. So first of all please just don’t put anything in your vagina for a couple of weeks and allow it to heal up.

If it’s not healing up or you’re noticing other kinds of bleeding that isn’t your period; feel unwell; or notice any unusual discharge then it’s time to go to see a doc/nurse about this.

If you’re in the UK you can get free and confidential sexual health services – find out more about this here. They’ll be able to help you in person, which is usually better than someone on the internet giving you advice. If you can tell someone that you trust will be supportive and cool about this that might be a good thing to do – but if you can’t you can go to see someone by yourself.

How to put things inside you safely

I think you should give yourself some time away from putting things inside you, but this is how to do it without hurting yourself. The skin and mucous tissue at the opening and inside the vagina is pretty delicate and needs to be treated with care. The fact that your ex fingered you and you didn’t bleed makes me think that maybe you’re doing it in a different way to him. Are you doing it harder? Do you have long or sharp finger nails? You mentioned that your ex gave you oral sex as well as masturbated you, did he make your vagina wet with his saliva before fingering you?

When you’re new to masturbation it’s usually a good idea to start off slowly slowly gently gently. Slowly inserting a small finger into the vagina is a good way to go. If you’re putting anything inside your vagina it needs to be smooth and soft ish (that’s why sex toys are smooth and softish). So this means not using a marker pen and making sure that your fingernails are smooth and clean. It’s a good idea for it to be wet first with either saliva or lubricant as this can help to aid the lubrication in the vagina.

But but but maybe you don’t need to put anything in your vagina, either right now or ever.

Different ways of touching yourself

There are different ways of touching your body that you may find enjoyable. This kind of links in with the first bit of your question. You’re touching yourself to the extent that you have been in pain and are bleeding – are you enjoying that? There’s a lot of pressure on us to do sex in ‘the proper way’ rather than in the way we might enjoy. A lot of people think that the only kind of proper sex involves something going in the vagina – this is not true.

So if you can ignore the idea of what you should be doing (not easy) can you find different ways of touching yourself that might feel more enjoyable? It might be that different parts of your genitals might feel good, particularly the clitoris, or the lips around your vagina (more on that here). Or you might like to touch your thighs, or chest, or neck, or you might not want to touch yourself at all but just try to have some sexy thoughts.

Whether you are enjoying sex is kind of up to you to figure out really. When people do enjoy sexy time their bodies change in lots of different ways: their vaginas might get wet; their clitoris or penis might get hard; the genital area might start to throb a lot; their breathing might change; they might get tingly feelings in their toes, feet, hands, fingers, neck; their nipples might get hard. What happens in your body?

How pleasure feels

You say you haven’t cum, I wonder what you mean by that? If you mean cum as in squirt (or ejaculate), you should know that not everyone can do that. If you mean orgasm, then you should know that not everyone experiences those either. However also orgasms feel different for everyone and often they feel different at different times too. Sometimes people feel out of breath, tingly, throbbing. Sometimes people feel light headed and high. Sometimes people feel relaxed and totally in their own body. Sometimes people just really nice. Sometimes people feel a bit ‘meh’.

Just like I was saying above, we’re told what it is we should feel when we are having sex (by ourselves or with another person), but the challenge for you is really working out what pleasure and enjoyment feels like to you.

Be patient

It’s really important to be patient with yourself about this. Everybody’s body is different. Every. Body. Also how everybody feels about their body and sex is different. So give yourself a bit of time and space to explore what it is you like. This means slowing down and really trying to pay attention to your body, listen to when it’s telling you to carry on and listen when it’s telling you to stop (which it is at the moment).

20 thoughts on “Ask Bish – Fingering Problems

  1. Hi first of all i wanted to thank you for all of your articles they are extremely helpful!!
    Im 15 years old and i never really masturbated. I tried a few times but im always too scared to put fingers in my v and i dont know how to fix it. i really wanted to put them in but i never even put a tampon in and all of this just gives me anxiety even tho i really want it. is there something wrong with me? the reason why i wanted to try putting fingers in is because i have a boyfriend that i would like to have pp in v sex with someday and i wanted to find out how i exactly like it. please help me

    1. Thank you, that’s very kind of you to say so! I think I’ve covered this in the article and also here How to Masturbate and here Solo Sex and also here Clitoris and Vagina so you might want to have a read of those article too to learn about masturbation and the vagina. If you’re feeling anxious about it or too scared then you might want to find a time when you’re not too scared or anxious. It’s okay to be a ‘nervous in a good way’ but if you’re anxious it’s probably not going to be a great experience. The reason for this is that any kind of stress can really stop your genitals from feeling aroused. And if you put your fingers inside you when you’re not aroused then it’s much more likely to feel uncomfortable and will make you more scared and more anxious for the next time.

      So find a time when you’re feeling really relaxed and curious about seeing how your body feels. If you are feeling in a sexy mood you might start to feel blood flowing towards your vulva (which is similar to how erections work for penises). At the opening to your vagina you might start to notice a little bit of relaxation or wetness. If you do you could start with a small finger to just explore the tiniest bit around and just inside the vaginal opening. Just millimetre by millimetre. Tiny tiny. If that feels good, then try to remember the experience for next time and explore again. After a while, when you start getting used to this feeling you might feel less scared and anxious and more excite and you might enjoy it.

      If you do want to have either p in v or fingers in v sex with your boyfriend he will also need to learn how to go as slowly and as carefully as this. Making sure that you are both slow and paying attention to each other and checking in all the time. Here’s how to communicate about this Sex Talk and Communication

      Hope you find that helpful advice!

      Justin

  2. Hello! I find it very hard to get over my peak point and when this happens I suddenly feel turned off and even if I continue to masturbate it doesn’t do any good. Is there something wrong with me? Please help:)

  3. Hi
    I am 13 and i have been fingering myself lately i honestly enjoy it but i have strict parents so i cant loose my virginity now but then today i inseteted by finger a little bit deeper and it didnt hurt .I took some photos to see it my hymen was still there but i only see cum i dont where it is located please help me i dont wanna lose my virginity 😭
    have

  4. Hi, i have 2 questions. Me and my girl had protected sex and did it 2 times. After that she want me to finger her inside her v but i used my hands ta take off the condoms so i washed my hands with soap and finger her after, will that make her pregnant?

    The second is I touched mt pre cum that sticked to my leg and after sometime a finger her inside her v with that exact finger. So is there a possibility of pregnancy? And I’ve been masterbating a lot almost twice a day and the day prior of sex I masterbated like 3 times and the day before sex more like 1-2 times then had protected sex twice and i came. Does that lessen that chance of getting her pregnant?

  5. Can you please give me some advice on what to use besides sex toys when masturbating? I’m too young to purchase Sex Toys and I don’t want my parents to know what I’m doing. I need some good Sex Toys and a good way to masturbate. Please help me! Also, the tiktok trend where girls put ice in their vaginas, is it safe to put ice inside your vagina? And if not that, is it ok to lightly place it on the lips of my vagina? Sorry if this is a lot please help

    1. Oh my god tiktok. No you shouldn’t put ice directly inside the vagina. If you wanted to put ice anywhere near the vagina you should wrap it in something. Ice can burn the skin, particularly the very delicate skin in and around the vagina. As for sex toys, I think that making your own sex toys is probably not a great idea. Sex toys are very carefully designed and use materials that are meant to be safe to use internally. Some people hump pillows, which is okay. Or use running water from a shower head.

      1. I use to cum/orgasm when my boyfriend fingered me, and now it seems like it almost tickles or there is a weird pressure feeling of having the need to pee. I also recently started to finger myself and when I climax, (most of the time) it’s a different feeling from when my boyfriend use to pleasure me. Now, it seems like I get turned off midway and once I feel that tickle sensation, I get really anxious and start getting freaked. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if I’m the problem. I can’t keep faking orgasms and lying to him. Is my body just bored of being fingered? Do I need to do more to spice things up?

  6. Hi I’m 12 years old and I masturbated with the bottom of a marker for the first time because I could’t find anything else but some sticky stuff was stuck with the marker after I pulled it out from the virgina and now I’m scared what if I’m pregnant can you help?? I can’t talk to my parents about it because they’re strict 😕

    1. You can’t get pregnant from putting a marker pen in your vagina. The sticky stuff was just the usual sticky stuff that can be found in the vagina (discharge, or lubrication, which is totally normal). Please don’t put marker pens in your vagina. More on this here

  7. My boyfriend fingered me a couple of days ago and my vagina is still sore this is the first time I have ever been fingered by someone I’m scared because I’m still sore and I don’t know how to describe the pain I feel as though I need to constantly pee but I can’t go to the doctor because my parents will find out I’m not a virgin and I don’t want them to feel ashamed of me
    Please help

    1. Hi Breanna. I can’t tell you exactly what the soreness is but you should be able to go to your doctor without your parents knowing. Medical treatment is free and confidential in the UK for under 18s.
      Most countries have this option, for example in the US you can contact your nearest Planned Parenthood (google it). If you don’t feel that you can talk to your parents about the sex that you have had maybe you could talk to someone else that you could trust? The other thing you should know is that you can get sore vaginas without having any fingering or any kind of sex at all. The feeling like you need to pee thing could be a sign of a urinary tract infection which you can get without any kind of sex. So you can talk to a doctor without your parents knowing, or you can tell your parents but not tell them the sex bit, or tell another trusted adult.

      If you’re going to do fingering with your boyfriend again I think it might be a good idea to learn a bit more about how vaginas (and crucially clitorises) work. and maybe you can learn a bit more about masturbating more safely here Your boyfriend could be being too rough or not being slow enough or not waiting until you are aroused enough.

      Hope that helps.

      Justin

  8. I need help. I always used to master bate and it used be fine, i cut back a bit last year and this year. I started the pill 3 months ago, and everything seemed normal, I have skipped my period for 2 months using the pill and was planning on getting it this month, however last Friday I was masterbating in the shower and after I finished I noticed a lot of blood started coming out and I began to panick, after then I had what I thought was my period for a week sometimes it was red mostly it was brown.
    The following Wednesday I master bated again and the same thing happened but this time more blood. Then I had my period another 2 days
    Today I was on the toilet and just wanted to see what happened if I tried again and it happened again, this time it poured out of me as if I was peeing and it’s still continuing heavy I don’t know what’s wrong with me

    Please help

    1. So as I say in first bit of the article I think you need to not put anything inside your vagina for a couple of weeks. It’s possible that you have slightly damaged the lining of your vagina and you need to give it some time to heal up before you put anything inside you again. So please leave the inside of your vagina alone before it heals up. During this time if you want to masturbate you need to stick to the outside of your vulva and see how that feels. There’s more about this here. Also, as I say in the article, you should see a doctor/nurse about this if after a couple of weeks of no masturbating inside your vagina it doesn’t heal up. Last tip, make sure nothing sharp enters your vagina. So make sure your finger nails are smooth and short, don’t use objects that aren’t designed to go in your vagina, and also make sure that you are lubricated (wet) enough. Either your own lubrication or extra lubrication such as saliva or lubricant which you can get from the shop.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.