My advice for how to have sex with a man for a woman who’s only had sex with women. It should just be the same for how to have sex with anyone else right? Why isn’t it?
Hello! Firstly, I would like to let you know that I truly appreciate the service that is being provided here for myself, and other people/teenagers who cannot turn elsewhere for this type of information. Thank you.
Awwwww thank you! You are welcome. I’m so happy that this is being read and that some people are finding it useful. It keeps me motivated to answer your questions, so thank you!
I have a few questions that may be answered jointly.
Cool. Fire away.
I am a bisexual female, I am 16 years of age and I am currently in a ‘serious’ relationship with a male at the moment. While discussing trivial things my boyfriend and I ventured onto the topic of virginity. I have never had sex with a male as yet. However, I have participated in ‘lesbian’ sex numerous times already. My first question is, am I still classified as a ‘virgin’?
Gooood question. I think that this is up to you really. If ‘losing your virginity’ means the first time you have sex with anyone then you are not a virgin. If it’s about having sex with a man then you are (PS I’m assuming your boyfriend is cisgender here). My view about sex is that sex is sex, no matter who you do it with and no matter what you do. I don’t think that sex is all about penetration – there are loads of different kinds of sex that count as sex. Also, honestly, a lot of people don’t really like penetration. You could have non-penetrative sex with your boyfriend (many people prefer this) – would that counts as losing your virginity?
You could be adding a bit of pressure to yourself about first time sex if you are just talking about having penetrative sex. However, it’s hard not to do this because a lot of us are taught that the only thing that counts as sex is penetration and so that this is the only thing that counts as losing your virginity. You’ve probably been taught all this directly and indirectly – in the classroom, from friends, from pop songs, from family, from TV, from Hollywood, from the internet, from your community – from the time you were born. We are taught that sex = ??. It’s really hard not to believe this, even though it’s not true or helpful.
So maybe you could call it losing your virginity with a man maybe? Or just first time sex with a man? Or first time sex with a new partner? You may already have ‘had sex’ if sex includes snogging, stroking, grinding, licking, humping, fiddling, talking, removing clothes together, feeding each other chips. It’s up to you to decide what virginity or sex means, but it’s okay to find that difficult.
Also, I was wondering how soon is too soon to have sex with your partner? Is there an appropriate time period in which I should wait?
When you say ‘how soon’ what do you mean? Like how soon in the eyes of your boyfriend, or your friends, or your family, or your pets? Really, again, this is totally your call. It’s hard to know what you want sometimes because you have probably been taught lots of different things about when the ‘right time’ is to have sex.
A lot of women are taught that they shouldn’t have sex too soon or too late with a man because they then may fear being called a slut or frigid. It’s like walking a tightrope where it’s very hard not to fall down on one side and get shamed for not doing it at the right time. Women having sex with women don’t get called those names so much, mostly because they get called other names, so perhaps this is why you are thinking about this more now?
You might also have been taught about not having sex too soon because men are only interested in having sex and not interested in having relationships. Certainly, there are men who have been very keen at the beginning of the relationship but then cooled off once they had sex. However, this is certainly not most men. How honest can you guys be with each other? How important is sex to you in this relationship and how important is it to him? How is your relationship going? Are you being pestered for sex? Are you able to take a bit of time to yourself to really think about what it is that you want?
So although I’m saying ‘it’s your call’ I’m also saying that it’s really hard not to think about what other people might think about you. Try to slow down and focus on what you want in the relationship and how you look after each other. If you can build some trust and feel like you can have sex that you want with someone who won’t be blurting to everyone about the kind of sex that you have, and won’t be running away when you do, then it might feel like the right time. Try my relationships graph to see how your relationship is going. More advice on whether you should have sex here.
This may sound really stupid, but I feel like I am ready to have sex, but I am afraid of……looking stupid or just under-performing in general. If you have any tips on having sex for the first time (technically) or if i missed an article on it on this site that can help please refer me to it, I would honestly be grateful for that.
It doesn’t sound stupid at all, but I’m wondering whether you thought about any of this stuff when you have had sex with women? Did you have any expectations placed on you about what kind of sex ‘counts’ as sex? How did you work out whether it was too soon to have sex? How did you work out how to do it for the first time and did you worry about looking stupid or under-performing then?
Perhaps if you can think back on your first sexual experiences you might learn some answers to some of the questions you are asking me for yourself. It seems to me that because you are thinking about having sex with a man there are now a whole load of other expectations and pressures put on you that weren’t there when you were having sex with women.
So perhaps what you could do is to approach having sex with your boyfriend just like you have in the past with women. Try to think less about this as ‘losing your virginity’ but more like ‘having sex with someone for the first time.’ Instead of thinking about the right time in terms of how other people might look at you, think about what is right for you and your boyfriend. Perhaps keep having conversations about this. Maybe also see sex as not just being about one event slow it down so that you can do lots of stuff that you might find enjoyable when you are ready to do them.
If you are particularly worried about having penetrative sex (or entry sex as I sometimes call it) you should know that you really don’t have to do that. Sex can be whatever you want it to be. However, if you are interested in having this kind of sex I’ve got more advice on how to do this for the first time here.
Lastly, it’s okay for first time sex with someone to be ‘just okay’ or a ‘bit meh’. First time sex should never hurt – if it hurts please stop and do something else – but it might not be all fireworks, triumphant music, canons, party poppers, ‘most wonderful experience of your life’ type thing either. However you can aim for it to be good if you are able to create your own little world where all that matters is what you do with each other.
I think the key to good sex is to try and slow down and pay attention to what is actually happening right now, rather than thinking about what might happen next. So if you are having a snog (for example) try to really get into how that feels, how it tastes, the noises you both make, how your bodies respond to each other, what happens to your breathing. I made a video about this that you might like which you can see here.
Thanks for your brilliant questions! Hope that helps?