How to deal with big time feelings and someone who wants you but doesn’t
I met this girl at college who i came to fall in love with and i told her this and afterwards she kept flirting with me but insisted she was straight, and then a week before christmas we had sex but then a couple of days after she told me she was going out with one of my best friends which hurt but i was ok with it because you can’t help who you like but she kept flirting with me, then the day before new years eve they split up, and she came round mine for a new years party and we slept together and she is still flirting with me and is still insisting she is straight what do i do?
Hi
Thanks for your question. You’ve said that you’re hurt by this, but you might also be feeling upset and confused: first up, you have my sympathies. It’s never easy dealing with big time and difficult feelings so well done for checking in with someone for some advice and support.
I’ll try and give you some ideas about what might be happening, so you might be able to be less confused about things, then I’ll give you some advice on some things you might want to consider doing.
The facts are that a) she likes having sex with you (if this is her choice) and b) she says she is straight. Sexuality isn’t fixed: it’s not like supporting a football team where ‘you pick and stick’. How we identify ourselves sexually (straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer/questioning, asexual) is our choice (and it’s a choice to identify ourselves this way at all). We make these choices based on a number of factors. It might be to do with who we mainly find sexually attractive, it may be who we want to have romantic relationships with, it may be about what we imagine for ourselves in the future, it may be about what we want to see ourselves as, it may be about what other people expect from us.
So although it may seem confusing that she likes having sex with you, yet identifies to you as being straight, it is perfectly possible for this to be the case. Having a sexual connection with someone of the same sex doesn’t mean that someone isn’t straight, just as having sex with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t make someone straight. It’s nuanced and complicated and it’s our choice. If she tells you that she is straight you should believe her; it’s her choice how she identifies, even if she wants to have sex with you. Ok?
What this really boils down to is that you seem to want a romantic relationship with her and she does not seem to want this with you (for whatever reason). You’ve told her that you love her, she keeps flirting with you and having sex with you. Some people might say that she isn’t really being fair to you as she might be leading you on. However, you are continuing to have sex with her: she might have the impression that you are happy to do this even though she might not feel the same way about you that you feel about her.
So it’s time to talk really. If you’re not happy with what’s happening at the moment then you should say something (unless she can read minds). You could say “I really like having sex with you but I want more than just sex”, or “I know that you are straight but it confuses me when you flirt with me.” Remember that it’s your choice to have sex with her or not: you can say no if you want to.
I really hope this helps
Justin
Bish
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