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Ask Bish – He Won’t Sext Me, I’m Really Frustrated

Advice on how to keep having sex in a long distance relationship. My first audio response! Exciting!

My relationship (i’m a girl seeing a guy) has been long distance for about 6 months now and we were going out for 6 months before that. We’re quite good at keeping in touch but sex is a real issue. I have a much higher sex drive than he does, which didn’t matter when we could see each other, but now he has no interest at all. I don’t fancy skype sex either but he won’t even sext me and I’m getting really frustrated! Masturbation isn’t the same all alone. How can we come to a conclusion? I really love this guy and we’ll be back in the same city in another 6 months but I can’t wait til then!

For this question I decided to record an audio response. I felt like I wanted to say quite a lot and if you want you can hear my 18 minute response below. I ramble on, say ummmm a lot and at one point there’s a little dog outside that I think might be a chihuahua.

If you can’t be bothered to listen(!) here is a summary of what I was saying.

Differences in sex drive are normal

Whether in a long distance relationship or a short distance relationship – differences in sex drives are normal. So this is something that isn’t going to go away even when you guys are back in the same city again. These sex drives change over time as well: on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week basis. So things can change for you or for him.

Sooooo the best way to deal with the problem is to stop seeing it as a problem. Just pay attention to what is happening now and try to find ways to talk to communicate and broaden your possibilities for what might happen.

Can you talk about it?

You’ve been together for like a year and so I can understand why it might be difficult to talk about doing something different sexually. You might worry about what your partner/boyfriend might think or you might worry about upsetting them. So it’s usually easier to have a series of small conversations about it rather than one big sit down talk.

It’s also easier to talk about what you’re into and to say positive rather than critical things. Like “It’s hot when you …” or “I really like it when …” or “I was thinking about …”

You could also try the working through a list of what you’re into, not into and hmmm about. See this post below.

OMG yes, not for me, hmmm. A yes no maybe guide for working out what sex you might want.
Click for more

Different kinds of sex

As I always say: sex isn’t just about penis in vagina sex. Just as there are lots of different things that count as sex when you’re together there are lots of different things that count when you’re not together too. The benefits of not being together for sex is that you don’t have to do things at the same time. This means you could do a bit of prep which means you (and he) might be under less pressure to ‘perform’.

Make solo sex better

Solo sex totally counts as sex. If you could think about having sex with yourself in the same way you have sex with someone else how would things change? Would you make more time? Do something nice for yourself before hand? Can you slow down and enjoy it more? Compare eating a bar of chocolate really slowly and carefully to those times when you might just eat one quickly – can you think of masturbation in the same way?

Is it just about the sex?

Romantic sexual relationships aren’t just about sex – in fact sex is a very small part of what makes a relationship work. So try and pay attention to all the other stuff too. Check out ‘how’s my relationship’ post below.

A way to check up on how your relationship is doing. What's going well, what needs to be worked on.
Click for more

Also think about how you fit together. How much of your lives do you share? Does everything overlap or is there stuff that doesn’t overlap? Does this have an impact on what’s going on for you at the moment maybe?

Hope this (and the audio) helps!


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