Some advice on how to deal with being in a relationship with someone in a relationship and being tired of being used.
Hi Bish! I love your blog with all my heart. The impact your blog has is huge, imagine I’m reading you from Mexico and it’s a blessing to my life.
I wanted to ask you something, you see I’ve been seeing this guy for 9 months but there’s a problem, he has a girlfriend. He had has a girlfriend since the day we talked for the first time. I know it’s bad but I liked him so much.
However I’m getting tired of the situation, he’s hurting me because I couldn’t say “no” to him, he was the first guy i had sex with. I guess I believed everything he told me, but I know it ain’t love because he was constantly asking me for sex that he loves me and he wanted to make it special for me but he couldn’t wait. Now I don’t what to do, I guess he won’t break up with his girlfriend and I’m getting tired of being used. Why boys do things like this?? I want to know what he’s pretending with me, he’s jealous, possessive and no longer sweet and nice. He calls me fat, ugly and never let me see other guys. I hope for your help!
Thanks for the nice things you said 🙂 *blushes*
If someone asked *you* this
Okay I want you to imagine that there was someone in your life, like a best friend, who you really trusted and loved. Someone who you only want good things to happen to. Someone who you will make time for if they are having a bad time and someone you will support. Then imagine they sent you an email about a relationship they are having. In it they say:
“I’m getting tired of the situation”
“They’re hurting me because I couldn’t say “no” to them.”
“They’re jealous and possessive.”
“They’re no longer sweet and nice and they call me ugly and fat.”
What would your advice be? What would you do? My guess is that you’d suggest that they weren’t very happy in the relationship and they should consider getting out. Now imagine that you are your own best friend – what advice would you give yourself? What would you do to keep yourself safe?
You’re right, it’s not love
Just saying “I love you” isn’t love. It can be amazing to hear and, if we like them, it can have a very powerful impact on us. But love is something we do, not just something we say. If he loved you he would do things like: be honest with you, be nice to you, respect your wishes, not pester you into things (like sex), let you see your friends or other guys, treat you fairly, treat his girlfriend fairly. Can you think of other things he might do if he really loved you?
Love isn’t a random bolt of lightening but it’s something you choose to go with (or not)
Even if you feel like you love him this doesn’t mean you have to be with him, or be in his life at all. Love isn’t a random bolt of lightening (although sometimes, it feels like it) but it’s something you choose to go with – you have a choice whether to love him or not. So you can walk away from him if you want to. You have choices. You don’t have to be in a relationship forever with the first person you had sex with. Being single is okay, and you might find it better for you.
I’ve said a lot more about love in this 8 minute video. *passes popcorn*
If you decide to end it
Ending relationships is rarely easy but people do it all the time. Even if you’re convinced that the relationship needs to end you can still feel a sense of loss and feel shaky and vulnerable. It’s okay to feel these things. You need to just stick to your script if what you want. There’s more about how to do this here. Once you’ve said it a bit of distance from him and time will really help.
You might find that sad or difficult feelings visit your brain, but they do go away again. You just need to be patient.
What you’ve said about this guy makes me wonder how he will react if you wanted to end it with him. If you don’t feel very safe telling him face to face, it’s okay to end it by text or email or on the phone. Do you need to stay away from him? Do you have friends or family you can talk to who might help you to feel a bit more safe? Are there any support services near you that might be able to help? If this is stuff that you are worried about check this brilliant list from Scarleteen (another really great website).
Give yourself some love
Back to love for a second. If you could love yourself, what would that look like? Can you be honest with yourself about what you want and need? Can you be nice to you and give yourself this? Can you notice what it is you actually want to do and try and do that? Can you spend time and have fun with yourself and friends? Can you be gentle and kind to yourself?
What would you do if you could give yourself some love and care?
Try making a list of all the things that you can do for you that can make yourself feel okay and cared for. It might be long baths, walks, watching movies, hanging out with friends or family, exercise, eating well – I don’t know you so you can do a better list than me. I have one for me and it really helps. I write mine on a piece of paper, take a picture of it and put it on my phone to remind me.
Hope this is helpful!
© Justin Hancock, 2015