Advice for someone about feeling anxious about pregnancy, dealing with friends with benefits fall out and life stuff.
I’m so scared I might poo my pants.
So lately I’ve been involved with one of my great guy friend and two -three weeks ago we hooked up at his house( I’m 16 and he’s 15) he is extremely paranoid about pregnancy so he put on a condom every time he even got close to my vagina with his bare penis. Yet I’m still extremely scared I may be pregnant, we didn’t have sex because we just weren’t mature enough to even penetrate me(find the hole).
When we decided not to have sex (we’re both still virgins) we put our clothes back on and just laid down and held each other (sappy I know).
I know stress and sleep deprivation can cause your body to act out and I already have an extremely irregular period but I’m just so scared.
I could ruin my life before it even started and I could never be able to forgive myself. But the even more scary part is that I found out that he doesn’t even care for me the way I thought he did and now I never want to do that again. Not until I’m with the right person and I’m way older to actually understand the seriousness of sex and the changes it can make in your life.
I just need your thoughts on this. Am I crazy for being scared? Because I know you can still get pregnant of you’re a virgin and even if semen gets on the vagina without penetration. Please, just help me.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I really hope this helps.
Sperm is not that magic
It never helps to be told not to be anxious or scared so I won’t do that, but it is not possible to get pregnant from what you describe. It just isn’t. Lots of people believe that it’s that easy to get pregnant but it really really isn’t, they are wrong and I wish they would STFU to be honest with you. I explain about fertility and periods here and I also made a video that you might like here
(yes I have had a haircut since then)
I’m going to give you a bit more advice below but before I do, I just need to say something to all the people who have been teaching you about this. Back after the next paragraph.
(Hey, do you teach about magic sperm?)
If you tell anyone that sperm just has to get near the vagina to conceive, or that it can get through underwear or even swim through water please stop. I get emails like all the time from petrified young people around the world because of the complete and utter bollocks that you are spouting. I appreciate that you might be exaggerating the risk of conception in order to make people think carefully about having PiV sex and/or using contraception – but seriously, look at the harm you’re doing.
Self care list
Sorry about that. Sounds like you’re really stressed out at the moment so let’s have a chat about that. Before we start to think about what you might do in the future it’s good to try and take care of yourself first. Do you have these feelings at other times too? What tends to help you? The feelings will go away (all feelings do) but whilst you’re waiting for that perhaps you can put together a little list of really nice gentle things you can do for yourself whilst you’re feeling this way. Think of it as a plan of action for the next few days.
Everyone has their own so try to really listen to what you need and put those needs first for a bit. You might want to think about what might help you sleep (for me, not eating sugar, or drinking caffeine before bed helps). Try some relaxing breathing too maybe? If you can’t stick to your self care list don’t beat yourself up over it, just notice it and see if you can do what you can. When you’re feeling anxious it’s easy to do things in order to distract you but notice if you are enjoying the thing too. I’m like that with biscuits (cookies).
Make a new sex plan
Once you’re feeling a bit better you might want to think about what sex it is that you may want to enjoy now and in the future. As you’ve noticed (and as you’ve noticed with this guy friend) you’re very anxious about penis in vagina sex, so maybe leave this off the table? Laying down and holding each other is absolutely cool. Have a think about all the different kinds of things you might want to do here.
Also, remember that sex doesn’t have to involve another person. Solo sex totally counts as sex and can be really lovely, enjoyable, tingly, comforting (it’s different for different people). It might be about masturbating but it could also just be about spending time touching your body and finding out what feels good. You might also learn a bit more about your body but also what it is that you’re into. If you take penis in vagina off the table (so to speak) then you can be imaginative about other kinds of sex you might actually like.
Some people think that sex is a big serious thing, some people think it’s just a thing you can do, some people are somewhere in between, or both, or neither. People think differently about sex. If you want to wait until a big loving relationship before you do it again that’s okay. But don’t assume that sex is always better in big time romantic relationships. To make sex good you need to have some trust and some communication no matter what the relationship. I’ve got advice about how to do that here and here.
Your guy friend
I’m really really sorry about what happened with your guy friend. You haven’t told me much about what happened but it sounds like you both feel a bit differently about what you want? Try to think about what it is you want from him – a romantic relationship? Friends who have sex? Friends who cuddle? Friends who hang out?
Snogging and cuddling means being up close against someone’s face. Being up close against someone’s face means that (biologically) lots of connections are happening. See also seeing each others bodies and sharing moments that no one else will have. However what we *do* with those connections is different for different people. Like I said above, people have different views about sex in relationships.
Maybe he was able to leave those connections in the bedroom and go to being just friends outside the bedroom? Maybe you can’t do that? When you’re feeling a bit better, try to take a step back, imagine that you are me (have a biscuit) and with all the facts try to work out what might have actually happened. Can you look at it from his situation as well as yours? Can you explain what happened to both of you?
Lastly can you be a bit more self caring about your future and how you feel about it. You don’t know what’s going to happen in life. Sometimes it goes according to plan, but often it doesn’t and you need to make a different (and maybe even better) plan. Try to slow down a little bit and focus on what’s happening to you and for you now.
Hope this helps
© Justin Hancock, 2015