Aftercare

What is aftercare, what does it do, who should do it and how?

What is aftercare

Aftercare is a term that came from Kink and BDSM communities (groups of people who have been doing this for many decades). It is simply, taking care of each other and ourselves after a Kink and/or BDSM scene. It helps people to come ‘back to Earth’ gently and in a way that makes the whole experience joyful. Aftercare means different things for different people and different ‘scenes’ but it can include things like:

Removing equipment or clothing, releasing someone or ourselves from restraints, or getting into a more comfortable position.
Taking care of their physical needs such as rest, hydration, and calories.
Looking after any injuries that might have happened during the scene, or cleaning up.
Taking some time out to come back to a resting state, perhaps with some gentle physical touch like a cuddle, soothing music, that kind of vibe.
Regulate their temperature by (eg), getting cosy AF under a blanket, or having a shower or a bath.

This doesn’t replace ‘before care’ or ‘during care’ but is in addition. From start to finish, in any erotic encounter, there should be care all the way through.

What does aftercare do?

People who do Kink / BDSM often say that it makes them feel ‘high’ when they do it. It’s a pleasure/stress high which is similar to what people can experience from: watching a scary movie, going on a roller-coaster, running long-distances, or eating increasingly spicy food. All of which I hate.

Pain, within a consensual BDSM scene, can be experienced as intensely pleasurable through the release of hormones like cortisol. The bonding and connection which people can feel with each other brings pleasurable feelings via hormones like oxytocin being released throughout the body. The pleasure-reward system is activated. Then there’s the pleasure from sex, or erotic activity, which is associated with an increased heart-rate, heavy breathing, the pleasure hotspots of the brain are stimulated, and the body can experience a change in consciousness or even an ‘out of body’ experience. ¹

So aftercare helps to bring people back to their usual resting state after their bodies have been through a lot. Just like a warm down after a run, or drinking milk after spicy food, or eating a £9 hotdog at a theme park. For people doing Kink / BDSM it’s also a way to come out of the role they may have been playing (like a Top or a Dom or a Bottom or a Sub, or both a Switch). Aftercare also gives them a way of learning and affirming themselves too.

Check-ins

At some point this aftercare can also include talking about the scene. Talking about what was good, what could have been better, learning points for a (possible) next time. It might take a while for people to be able to talk about it, they literally might not be able to talk very much at that point. Or sometimes it was so overwhelming that even if they could speak they wouldn’t know what to say. This means that aftercare chats can and often should also happen over a couple of days.

Conversations like ‘how are you feeling today?’ or ‘let me know if you’re up for a chat about ….’ or ‘how was it for you?’ that kind of thing. Check-ins as part of aftercare can be really helpful, but it shouldn’t replace the care that should happen before and during a scene, or any kind of erotic activity. Care and consent go hand-in-hand, because it’s all about how you make something feel as good as it can for both of you all the way through. ²

Here’s how to make conversations about sex and relationships easier

Who should do the aftercare

Although it’s assumed that it’s the ‘top or dom’ that does the aftercare, people who do kink and BDSM say that everyone should do the aftercare. ³ However, this doesn’t mean that everyone should do the same amount of aftercare at the same time. They do, what I’m going to call, Triage Aftercare. Triage is a helpful term that medical practitioners use to figure out who needs what kind of care first. So after a scene someone might like to cuddle but the other person really needs a glass of water. In that case they get the water first and then cuddle. So this is about organising what we need to take care of in what order, not that some needs are more important than others.

For this reason it’s usually the Top, or the Dominant, who is the most responsible for doing aftercare at first. Just because they are probably the most able to pour a glass of water, to get a blanket, and put some Michael Bublé on the speaker. However, as everyone is coming back down to Earth in the minutes, hours, and days after the scene, everyone involved should be taking care of each other. Tops and bottoms, doms and subs, and switches can get that aftercare if they want it. Aftercare is also something that someone can give to themselves whilst they are with their Kink partner or when they are away from them. Remember also that some folk do kink / BDSM as part of solo sex too, so aftercare here can be a really important and affirming thing to do.

How and how much aftercare should you give?

It depends on the person and it depends on the scene. Sometimes people will want and need lots of aftercare and sometimes people will just get up and go. Great aftercare is about having the freedom to choose to agree to do it: aka consent. This means inviting people into aftercare, just like you’d invite someone to come to a great party. ‘How would you feel about a delicious cup of tea and a custard cream’, ‘if you like you could get warm and snuggly under my favourite blanky’, ‘how about we listen to Michael Bublé’s Christmas album?’ Give people options, or different ways of doing things. If they can’t really talk or think right now, they might need to just do some things for them, but pay attention to their bodies to see whether it’s right, enough, or too much. Then as they become more talkative they can check in with them again.

Here’s how to ask in this kind of way.

Remember that aftercare isn’t just what happens in the minutes after a scene, but also in the hours and days after. So gentle check-ins about how each other are doing, what was good, and what they learned. Sometimes this also involves learning about what aftercare they might want for the future too. People might not know what they want at the time, but a conversation afterwards might help them to understand it. ‘I got really weepy afterwards, but in a good way, so thanks for that cuddle’, or ‘I should have stayed a bit longer yesterday because I’m missing you today’, or ‘next time could you put a non-Christmas Michael Bublé album on please: it’s July.’

Aftercare for everyone

Maybe everyone should do ‘beforecare’, ‘duringcare’ and ‘aftercare’ when they have any kind of erotic encounter with someone? Even if it’s just casual sex. Maybe we should do it for ourselves if we masturbate too? Perhaps we should get into the habit of checking in with our needs after doing something as well as before we do something, even if it’s just watching a movie with someone. Just getting into the habit of making each other and ourselves feel comfortable enough and grounded enough to enjoy something can really help us to enjoy it more. If we can do it for sex, let’s see what happens if we can do it for everything else too? What would that do? What else?

References

Wuyts E, Morrens M. The Biology of BDSM: A Systematic Review. J Sex Med 2022;19:144−157. ↩︎
Mercer, K. H. (2024). How was That for You?: Gender, Aftercare and Impression Management in BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2410338 ↩︎
Martin J H. Phases of (After)Care…. Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 11, No. 2, October 2025 https://doi.org/10.51681/1.1124 ↩︎

BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

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