This guide to foreplay tells you what it is, but more importantly what it can do. We could also just call it ‘before-sex’. Also there’s some complex philosophy for life at the end! Look, I know I take this far too seriously….
What is foreplay?
Foreplay is having sexual activity that makes it possible to enjoy another kind of sex afterwards. If you think of the word as ‘beforeplay’ or ‘before-sex’, that might give you a better idea of what it is. An example is, kissing with someone before masturbating with them. The reason why this might be ‘foreplay’ is that the kissing makes them feel aroused. Being aroused means that blood rushes into their genitals (usually their penis or clitoris) which is called vasocongestion, aka ‘a hard-on‘. This arousal makes masturbation easier and more enjoyable because the penis or clitoris is harder, easier to find and stroke, and can feel nicer when it’s touched.
Foreplay is the sex you have before
A lot of people say that foreplay is just kissing, stroking, masturbation, or oral sex: wrong. As I’ve written about in my what is sex article, we could just call that ‘sex’. All of these different kinds of sex may need different kinds of sex before (‘before-sex’) to make them more enjoyable or possible. Even with kissing, you might not want to go straight in with your tongues, you may build up to it through kissing with your lips, and before that touching noses, and before that smiling and feeling tingly, and before that pressing pause on Below Deck on your laptop. It’s not the activities themselves that make them ‘foreplay’ but it’s what they can do.
Slow down and enjoy foreplay
Remember, foreplay is still sex. Even if you were doing one kind of sex to help you to enjoy another, it’s important to treat that sex as sex too. This means that we should still pay attention to each other and to what we are doing, not just getting something out of the way without taking the time to notice it. Also, if you don’t do that it isn’t going to work, because it won’t change your bodies enough (see below). This means making before-sex, or ‘foreplay’, safer, more consensual, more enjoyable. Remember, that people can experience intense pleasure and even orgasms from things like kissing and stroking and sucking, even it doesn’t involve genitals.
“Thus, it seems that while the genital system is particularly well-organized to mediate the orgasmic process, other body systems evidently manifest at least some of the same properties and, consequently, under appropriate stimulus conditions and sensitization may exhibit comparable activity.” (Komisaruk and Whipple, 2011)
If you (for example) lick someone’s neck, or suck their nipples, like you really mean it, then for many people this can be the best bit of sex. In my opinion the only reason why we’re not having more non-genital orgasms is because we’ve had hundreds of years of sex education telling us that if it doesn’t involve genitals it’s not sex.
Why ‘foreplay’ is important
During sexual activity our bodies can change a lot, our brains, nervous system, heart beat, sensations, and particularly genitals. Penises get hard, clitorises get hard, and vaginas can get wet and can expand. For penis in vagina or penis in anus sex, you will need to have some before sex to make sure that this can feel comfortable and enjoyable.
Most vaginas, are mostly self-stretchy. That means that when someone is aroused, the vagina expands by itself: a lot. (If you have a surgically constructed vagina you may need to stretch it yourself.) However the vagina only expands by itself if they are aroused, and to get aroused they need to have some really exciting sex before.
Read this about the clitoris and vagina and read this about the penis.
If you’re having anal sex, you will need to have some before-sex too, but anuses (aka arseholes) aren’t as self-stretchy as vaginas. The tight muscles surrounding the anus will need to feel relaxed enough to be stretched. For example, feeling very relaxed and turned on from making out for a bit, stroking each other, that kind of thing. Then you might want to masturbate the anus, starting with a small finger and some lubricant, then see how that feels, before inserting a bigger finger, or a shiny and smooth butt plug, or another anal sex toy, or a penis.
I’ve written in lots of detail about all of this here at my how to have sex article.
Foreplay for solo sex too
Even if you have solo sex you might have experienced something like this. You probably don’t just go straight to your genitals. Maybe you will take some time to fantasise about something sexy (fantasising is also sex). Perhaps lying down and stroking different part of your body? Watching, or reading, or listening, or looking at something erotic perhaps?
Is this all making sense? Take a moment to think about what might work for you: how will certain kinds of sex change your body in ways that might help you to enjoy other kinds of sex? If you would like some homework, check out all of the different sexual activities over here at my article about working out what kind of sex you would like. Pick one, and then think about what you will need to do before that to help you to enjoy doing it.
The philosophy of foreplay – materialism
Now, if you’ve got all that I’m going to teach you some complex philosophy. If you just wanted to know about foreplay that’s good, you don’t need to read this bit. But if you want to nerd out with me then keep reading.
Everything I’ve been saying here is to do with what is known as ‘materialism’. Not the kind of materialism that makes people want to buy incredibly expensive watches. It’s the other kind: understanding that everything is made out of ‘matter’ (stuff) and all matter does things. This means that (for example) having a snog can change your body, can change how you feel about someone, can make your genitals throb, can make you blush, can allow your sexuality or gender to emerge, to be a bit softer, or harder, or your even change your relationship (Fox and Alldred, 2013). Materialism is about understanding that things do things, and is more interesting than just what things are. With me so far? Good, because the next bit is more complex.
Foreplay as a ‘becoming’
When we pay more attention to what things do, rather than what they are, we can start to see various ‘becomings’. I’ve explained this before in this article about how to get a girlfriend, a boyfriend or a themfriend, a ‘becoming’ moves you from one place to another and then another.
Or as my pretend French granddads say, “a line of becoming is not defined by points that it connects, or by points that compose it; on the contrary, it passes between points” (Deleuze and Guattari, 2004 p323)
Paying attention to the differences that things make, and how we and others respond is how we move through life. It’s a constant unfolding of differences that things make over time, or ‘the being of being’ (May, 2003). So if you are making out with someone and you pay close attention to what is happening, you will notice that it is doing something and it is making you / you both different in some way. As each moment unfolds during the snog you are becoming a little different, what Deleuze and Guattari call a ‘becoming-other’. For them (and BISH) it’s all about turning everything into a becoming, what difference does something make and what difference does that difference make? Here a life is this constant creative energy, moving towards a life of joy where our capacity to act is increased (and that of everyone around us too).
So if you take foreplay, before-sex and sex seriously, who knows what it can do?
More reading for you
Here’s an article about how to have amazing sex without penetration
You might like this one about how to enjoy sex more
I’ve written a lot about orgasms
References
Deleuze, G. and Guattari, F., 2004. A Thousand Plateaus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia. (tr, Massumi, B.) London. Continuum.
Fox, N.J. and Alldred, P., 2013. The Sexuality-Assemblage: Desire, Affect, Anti-Humanism. Sociological Review. 61. 769–789. 10.1111/1467-954X.12075.
Komisaruk, B. R., & Whipple, B. (2011). Non-genital orgasms. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 26(4), 356–372. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2011.649252
May, T., 2003. When is a Deleuzian becoming? Continental Philosophy Review 36, 139–153. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1026036516963
© Justin Hancock, 2026 Find out more about me and BISH here.
BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.
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