I’m Struggling With Masturbation Addiction

My advice for a reader who is struggling with what they say is a severe addiction to masturbation. How can we deal with compulsive sexual behaviours? Here’s a solution focused approach.

Hello, I would like to ask for help about a personal issue. I am a 21-year-old female, and since the age of 17 I have been struggling with what I believe is a severe addiction to masturbation. Recently it has started to affect many areas of my life, including my studies, my concentration, and my daily routine. I spend a lot of time alone in my room and find it difficult to control the behavior even though I know it is harming my life. The most confusing part for me is that I still feel a strong urge and enjoyment from it, even while realizing that I am losing control. I would really appreciate your advice or guidance on how to deal with this.

Hi, thank you for your great question.

So, I always try to use the words that the person writing to me uses. If they say ‘phallus’, I say ‘phallus’. When they say ‘dick’, I say ‘dick’. If they say ‘purple-headed yoghurt slinger*’, then I’m probably not going to say that.

In a similar way, if you don’t mind, I’m not going to use the word ‘addiction’. A lot of sexologists, educators, therapists, and academics use the term ‘complusive sexual behaviours‘ to describe what you are going through. We could also say you are struggling with how much you masturbate. It sounds like you are really finding it difficult, and that sucks. Compulsive sexual behaviour isn’t ‘less’ than addiction, it’s just a different thing¹.

*Thank you Cosmo for this https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/body/a64933686/words-for-penis/

Anyway, on with the advice.

Science says it’s good to masturbate

Lots of studies have found that masturbation is both not bad for you but is also associated with good sexual health outcomes. It’s thought to be good for sleep, dealing with stress, better brain function and is associated with better sexual functioning overall.² As you say it can also be very pleasurable³. During partnered sex it is often more pleasurable for women than (just) vaginal intercourse⁴. I think it’s important to point this out sometimes because we don’t get many positive messages about masturbation in culture. Particularly for women.

Culture says it’s bad to masturbate

I promise I’ll get to some advice, but I also think that understanding cultural attitudes to masturbation can help us to have a better time with it. Think of all the words and phrases for masturbation, or someone who masturbates. See what I mean? Now think of all the words and phrases for women who enjoy sex and masturbation (and compare those with men). We’re not born thinking that masturbation is good or bad, but we are all born into cultures that have a lot to say about masturbation.

Should stories, our old friend

It’s very difficult to separate our feelings, emotions, and thoughts from the culture that we are in. I call it should stories here at BISH but it’s also called ‘discourse’. There are very strong rules telling us what we should and shouldn’t do with our bodies. How our bodies are organised to do certain things. If we live in a culture that says that it’s bad to enjoy our bodies then it can be really hard, and feel very risky, to enjoy our bodies. So this may be going on for you too. (‘Sex addiction’ is a term often used by people who think that sex for pleasure, masturbation, and porn are bad.)

Example: if someone binge-watches a prestige TV show, or spends all day reading a Sally Rooney book, we say ‘oh that’s both cool and very intelligent well done’. However if someone says that they spent all day gooning, then we really don’t say that. This means that people don’t say that they spend all day gooning. It’s part of my job to work towards making culture a bit more chill about sex, but also to give you some advice. So let’s get on with that.

Here is some advice using ideas from Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), which I’ve been trained in.

Your best hopes

So let’s agree that masturbation is not bad for you and can, in fact, be very pleasurable. It’s just that you want to have a better relationship with it, even in a culture that often says it’s bad. That you could still enjoy it and also focus on your studies, you can concentrate more, you can have a solid daily routine, and that you can get out more.

I’m a big fan of solution focused brief therapy and in that we ask for a client’s ‘best hopes’⁵. So let’s say that your best hopes are one of these:

‘I want to be able to enjoy masturbating but in a way that doesn’t mess up the rest of my life’.

Or ‘I want to get out a bit more and also still enjoy masturbating sometimes’.

What about ‘I want to study and to able to concentrate, and also enjoy masturbating’.

If as a result of reading this article, one of these would become true, would that be helpful? If so, pick one before the next paragraph.

Your preferred future

Now, I want you to imagine that you go about the rest of your day and eventually go to bed and drift off to sleep. While you’re sleeping this amazing thing happens and your best hopes come true. It’s kind of like a miracle. You will wake up tomorrow and although no-one has told you that a miracle has happened, you do immediately notice that something has really changed. What will be the very first thing you will notice? How will you know that there has been this massive improvement in your life?

Really imagine in incredible detail what will be different as you start to go about your day. What will be different in how you get out of bed and get ready for the day. As you go about your morning routines, what will you be really pleased to notice? What will other people notice about you and how will you respond? If you’ve said ‘well I won’t be [eg] looking at my phone’ what will you be doing instead?

Let’s say that you leave your room, maybe you can go outside (if it’s safe, or if you’re able to do so), what are the differences you will notice? How will you know that your best hopes have come true? Again, how will other people respond to you? How will you respond back?

Your studies

Let’s say that you are going to class, or a library, or you have some books in your room that you need to read. As you open one, what will you be pleased to notice? Looking at the words what will you notice that told you that you were concentrating. What will your body be doing: your breathing, heart rate, your feet, ankles, legs, bum, body, arms, hands, neck and head and eyes. How will you know that a miracle has happened and you can concentrate? What else? And what else? Let’s say that someone notices you studying, what will they be pleased to notice about how you are studying? What else?

Now what if you get a flicker of a thought about masturbation, what will you be really pleased to notice about how you respond to that? Now that your best hopes have come true, what will your body do, what will you think, what will you say to yourself, what will you do? After an hour you will stand and stretch, maybe have a walk around. Think of someone specific you will see in a specific time and place. What will they be really pleased to notice about you? How will you respond? And how will they respond? Imagine a conversation unfolding between you where you are just both really pleased to notice improvements and the differences they are making.

Out and about

Now imagine that you will have spent some quality time studying. You will have been really pleased to notice how you will have been concentrating and you will have got loads done. Maybe after that you will have gone outside to move around again some more. You will have noticed some really interesting things and some nice people and some nice moments. Maybe you will have been smiling more and your shoulders are relaxed and your head a bit more ‘up’ and maybe you will have taken more of the world in. What will be some really tiny improvements you will be pleased to notice?

Back to your room to masturbate

Let’s say you will go back to your room to masturbate. What will be the very first sign that yes you are going to masturbate, but this time it’s different. That now you have a better relationship to masturbation, that you will do it for a few minutes, and then do something else. What will you be pleased to notice? How will your body respond? Afterwards, what will you notice then? What are the very smallest improvements you will be pleased to notice? If you say ‘I won’t be ….’ what will you be doing instead? “I will be …” “I will be pleased to notice …”

#PleasedToNotice

Over the next few days and weeks, just see if you can notice any tiny improvements in any part of your life. Anything that you are even just a little bit pleased to notice. It could be something you are doing, or thinking, or how your body is responding, or your emotional state generally. Don’t force it, just look for tiny improvements and see if they might lead to bigger improvements.

Other resources

You could also try the advice I have about the feeling of being addicted to porn. Here’s one about how to deal with stress. Also you might like this one, another solution focused article, about how to feel bit better about things. Here’s one about how to feel better about yourself. You might like this on shame and this one about joy. There’s also lots of other advice here about masturbation generally.

If these approaches aren’t helping you, you could try seeing a sex therapist about it. Look for someone who talks about ‘purple-headed yoghurt slinger’ complusive sexual behaviours, rather than ‘sex addiction’. Have a look at Silva Neves’s page for the therapy he offers, that should give you an idea of what to look for. You could also speak to a doctor, or a therapist, or a counsellor about your struggling to concentrate and your difficulties with your day to day routine. There might be some other kinds of treatments that you might find helpful for this (and that way you wouldn’t have to talk about masturbation if you didn’t want to).

References

1. Neves, S. (2020). Compulsive Sexual Behaviours: A Psycho-Sexual Treatment Guide for Clinicians (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003029502rson, C. (2023). Sexual Repertoire, Duration of Partnered Sex, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Findings from a US Nationally Representative Survey of Adults. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 49(4), 369–390. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2022.2126417 ↩︎
2. Fischer, N., Kozák, M., Graham, C. A., Clifton, S., Mercer, C. H., & Mitchell, K. R. (2025). Trends in Masturbation Prevalence and Associated Factors: Findings from the British National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2025.2555053 ↩︎
3. Levin, R. J. (2007). Sexual activity, health and well-being – the beneficial roles of coitus and masturbation. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(1), 135–148. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601149197 ↩︎
4. Herbenick, D., Fu, T. chieh, & Patterson, C. (2023). Sexual Repertoire, Duration of Partnered Sex, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Findings from a US Nationally Representative Survey of Adults. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 49(4), 369–390. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2022.2126417 ↩︎
5. de Shazer, S., Dolan, Y., Korman, H., Trepper, T., McCollum, E., & Berg, I.K. (2021). More Than Miracles: The State of the Art of Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (2nd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003125600 ↩︎

© Justin Hancock, 2026 Find out more about me and BISH here.

BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

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