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Ask Bish Ok To Shut My Eyes?

Of course it’s OK to have sex with your eyes closed but it can make negotiating what you want harder.

Is it bad that my eyes are closed the entire time I’m having sex, or getting or giving oral?

Hi there

Thanks for your question.

There are too many shoulds and shouldn’ts in sex and relationships. We ‘should’ all like sex, we ‘should’ all be having orgasms and we ‘should’ all do it in exactly the same way as everyone else. If you want to close your eyes when you have sex then that’s fine, keep doing it. However I will blather on a bit about why people might want to open and close their eyes.

There are some great things about opening your eyes when you have sex. Looking at your sexual partner whilst you’re sexing can be hot. Looking at the bits of their bodies that really turn you on, looking at their skin close up, looking into their eyes, looking at their face showing you how much they are enjoying it. It’s also a good way of communicating how much you and your partner are enjoying it. It’s sometimes easier to look at someone and give a slight nod or shake of the head instead of saying ‘yes keep doing that’ or ‘no I’m not into that’.

The looking can also make people feel closer to each other. If someone keeps their eyes closed their partner might not feel like they are very connected to them during sex. If you do want to keep your eyes closed you may want to check in with your partner about it and say why you want to, so they don’t feel offended or rejected. They may also want reassurance about whether you are enjoying it or not.

Also shutting your eyes might be ok if you are having sex with someone you really trust, but what if you were having sex with someone early in a relationship or with someone you didn’t know that well. How are you going to make sure that the sex is safe (both in terms of condoms but also in terms of your personal safety)?

You haven’t said why you like to keep your eyes closed. Maybe it’s because you don’t like to look, or you don’t like being looked at. If you are conscious about someone looking at your body or your face you could perhaps try wearing a top or keeping the lights dim. In porn (and sex scenes in films) the sex is usually with all the lights on and all clothes off. In the real world people often like to turn the lights off, get under the sheets or keep a vest top on (or something).

It could be that you enjoy the sex more when your eyes are closed. Perhaps you find that you can focus on your other senses more when you do this. Sex can be visual but it’s also about what we feel, taste, smell and hear. I go to music gigs with someone who often closes her eyes because she enjoys it more, perhaps it’s the same for you and sex? Maybe there’s too much going on for you?

But but but are you keeping your eyes closed because you aren’t enjoying it? Do you just close your eyes and imagine you’re not having sex? If so please please please consider not having sex. Maybe you aren’t ready for it. Or maybe you aren’t doing it with someone you like or trust enough. Or maybe you’re just not into sex?

© Justin Hancock, 2012

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