To learn how to be good at sex it’s really important to pay attention to the other person. Their noises, eye contact, what they say, how they breathe and how they move. If you pay attention to what’s going on in your body then it’s also more likely that you will enjoy it too.
(If you don’t fancy watching the video, the script is below. Do watch though. There are at least two jokes in it.)
There’s only one thing you need to learn to be good at sex.
Just one thing.
Ready for this?
I’m about to tell you
No no. That was it.
You have to learn to pay attention – to other people, and you, during sex
Okay so look out for all the other Bish videos …
[Justin gets well grumpy here]
I think being good at sex with someone is all about doing things you both (or all) enjoy.
Because everybody is different, what people will enjoy is going to be different from person to person.
You probably won’t always enjoy the same things. And what you enjoy might be different to what other people might enjoy.
These differences in what people like might be small, but they might be really big too. (use of words, which hand etc)
So all the information you need about how to have great sex with someone isn’t in books, or on your phone, or in dodgy videos online (ahem) it’s inside the head of the person you want to have sex with. It’s about finding out what they enjoy and then doing that – and it’s the same for them and you.
This sounds easy. But why is that so hard?
Basically, because of everything we are taught about sex.
We’re taught that everyone likes being touched in the same places – erogenous zones – wrong
We’re taught that the only thing that counts as sex is penetration (emoji thing) – wrong
We’re taught that dicks always have to be hard to have sex – wrong
We’re taught that sex always happens in the same order – wrong
We’re taught that sex is about learning techniques to do to another person, rather than with another person. – wrong
We’re also taught stuff other stuff about gender. Like all men are supposed to do it and always enjoy it. And that women aren’t supposed to do it and don’t enjoy it – wrong
Thing is, because we learn this stuff from an early age, our brains can think it’s all true. And then when we’re getting down to (pause) ‘it’ these thoughts can be a big distraction (distracting thought bubbles relating to the above).
This can all be a massive distraction from the person (or people) we are having sex with. Remember, this is the only person who really can tell you how to be good at sex (with them). So pay attention to them, but also to yourself.
But how? Some people like to talk a lot about sex before they do it with someone, others prefer to go with the flow a bit because talking is hard (more tips on how to talk about sex before you do it at Bish).
There are lots of things that you can do to pay attention during sex to help you make sure that you’re both (or all) enjoying it.
Sometimes people make a lot of noise during sex. Sometimes people are quiet. But changes in how noisy people are and the noises they make can give you an idea of how much they enjoy it. What noises do you make when you’re enjoying yourself?
The noises we make and how we breathe can change if we have sex. What happens with you? Sometimes when people are excited it’s like a mild asthma attack (though of course, it could be a mild asthma attack, so check).
Even if you aren’t very chatty during sex it can be good to have a few short phrases ready. Listen out for these too. Don’t be offended if they want you to do something different. Feedback is good here.
Eye contact can tell you how excited or nervous the other person is. Can you tell? Do you like eye contact?
Notice how you are being touched and whether someone wants you to move, or do something different.
What happens to your body when you’re enjoying sex? Which bits of you tense up, which bits relax. Where feels nice. What about them?
If you find yourself getting distracted during sex it’s fine, just try going back to what’s actually happening. Pay attention to all of this for the other person but also for you too. If you realise that you or other people aren’t enjoying a thing it’s good to stop and see if you want to do something else.
The more you pay attention to each other, the more you can figure out what you both enjoy doing and eventually you will become your own experts about what works for you – not what should work for everybody.
Want to learn more?
Orgasms — learn about why it’s better to help people enjoy sex rather than to make them have orgasms
Solo Sex — there are some tips here on how you can learn to enjoy sex more by yourself (and how this might help you if you have sex with someone else)
Communicating during sex – is important to make sure it’s consensual but it can also make it a lot more fun
What Is Sex – learn about some of the basics of sex and how to do them consensually and safely
© Justin Hancock, 2018