Am I Asexual Or Just 15?

“Justin. Am I asexual or is it just that I’m 15?” Someone asked me this question in person the other day and I didn’t have time to give a very long answer, so I’m going to do that here.

But first let’s make this about me

I don’t really like to talk about myself very much here but I thought it might be helpful to talk about how I relate to my sexuality*. The labels I would use to describe my sexuality would be that I’m straight and allosexual. This means that I’m a man who is mostly just attracted to women and that I find that I experience sexual attraction reasonably strongly. I don’t think that this is something that I was born with. It’s just that ‘straight and allosexual Justin’ emerged over time from a complex entanglement of my relationships, the people around me, my hormones, my body, my experiences, the images and people I see, my responses, and the words I use to describe myself. 👋

If George Clooney started sliding into my DMs, sending me cute selfies and invited me round for a cocktail would it change my sexuality dramatically? Probably not. I’ve had many years in my ‘entanglement’ and I’ve experienced that in a culture which is pretty supportive of men who are straight and allosexual, which means that I’ve been feeling this way for some time now. Sorry about that George (and mine’s a Negroni).

*also the algorithm likes it apparently

And now about you

So you’re an entanglement of the same kind of things: your relationships, the people around you, your hormones, your body, your experiences, the images and the people you see, how you respond and the words you use to describe yourself. They all relate and feed off each other in ways that are hard to track. There is no one clear ‘thing’ that ‘causes’ a sexuality to be. The more useful (I think) way to think about sexuality is this: instead of ‘being’ a sexuality, sexuality is a process of ‘becoming’ which never really ends.

At 15 this kind of entanglement is definitely happening too, but you will have had less experience of it, less history of your ‘self’ to learn from. Also your entanglement is moving around much more quickly and in relation to everyone else’s because of puberty. As I said here, puberty is a time when we are rapidly growing and changing and learning more about ourselves. This is true for you but also everyone else around you.

So as you indicate in your question, you might be asexual (not experiencing many sexual feelings or much sexual attraction) but you are also going through a rapid process of development which may change things in different ways.

Culture and asexuality

As I was saying in my cute little story about myself, my sexuality ‘entanglement’ happened in a culture which said that it was okay (expected in fact) for men to be straight and allosexual. Culture (society, laws, capitalism, and should stories about what is ‘normal’) helped to produce my sexuality. This would not have been the case if I were gay or bi (when I was young the UK was extremely homophobic) or asexual (which people weren’t very aware of then).

Culture is a bit more accepting of asexuality nowadays. We know more about it, more people talk about it, and there is more support about it. Including the amazing Asexuality Visibility Network. I mention it in talks, so people ask me about it, for example. So we’re slowly making it easier for asexual folk to experience their entanglements in ways that feel good for them. Saying that you are asexual is part of that and the more that people know this is a thing then the easier it is for our sexuality to become.

However, if you are put in the position of ‘saying out loud’ what your sexuality is (in a way that is never expected of someone who is straight and allosexual) it can put more pressure on you. Saying it out loud can make your asexuality happen in ways that might feel okay with the rest of your entanglement, or it might not*. Other people might feel like they have to help you to be more asexual (which might not actually be what you want yet).

*If you want to nerd out about this, this is about performativity

Advice time

I’m hoping you’re finding this interesting, even if it’s a bit tricky. So how do we know if we are asexual, or simply just 15? How can we use words about ourselves that are in tune with our entangled bodies?

Asexuality as a spectrum

So this is why it’s great that asexuality is seen as a spectrum. At one end we have asexual folk who never experience sexual feelings or attraction, all the way over to the other end with allosexual folk who are horny as hell. Having a spectrum like this means it’s easier to move along it, rather than having to fix ourselves in one position.

It also allows people the flexibility to talk about themselves in ways that fit their circumstances, their entanglements. As I said at the beginning, our relationships, experiences, bodies, hormones, the people around you, images and bodies you see, are all changing and all in relation to each other. Seeing sexuality on a spectrum gives us useful ways of expressing what we are in ways that help us to continue to ‘become’.

Hedge for a bit

If you’re in the position of having to describe your sexuality (say you’re interesting in dating someone, or just chatting about it with mates) you don’t have to be definite. The Q in LGBTQIA for many people is Questioning. You could also just say things like ‘I don’t know really, I think I’m feeling the ‘asexual’ label and see what that does for a bit’, or ‘on the spectrum I’m like here – ish’. It’s often really useful to not really know I think. Shrug, say ‘meh’, be cool with it!

Map your entanglements

You might find it useful to make a note of what’s going on in your entanglements. Who do you enjoy hanging out with? How do you know? Are there times when you’ve felt really great? How are you dealing with puberty (both for you and the people around you)? Have you noticed any kinds of attractions to someone? If you have, can you remember in your body when you felt them? If someone else could see you at that moment what will they have noticed about you? How will you have responded? Let’s say there’s someone you like, what do you think about them? Imagine that you are alone together, what kinds of touch do you imagine will feel good for you?

Try to notice your body

See what happens when you have conversations with people about it. What do you notice about your body if you start saying the word ‘asexual’ out loud? How do other people respond? What happens to your body then? Do you feel a sense of comfort – leaning back in your chair a bit more, shoulders down and relaxed, does a smile start to emerge, what will you see or hear in the room? What if it doesn’t make you comfortable – maybe a tightness, an alertness, a bit of tunnel vision or tuning out the sounds in the room? Imagine finding the perfect word to describe your sexuality, what will that feel like in your body? What will that do for your entanglements?

Being with yourself

As I said in this article about how to get a girlfriend, boyfriend, or themfriend, we all want to be both free and gently held. Just as you might want other people to do this for you, and you for them, can you also find a way to do this for yourself too? We don’t have to try to figure out who we are in order to be that person. If we can be gentle about the things we know and don’t know about ourselves, and be with ourselves, wouldn’t that be more fun? Wouldn’t that be more joyful?

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Am I Asexual Or Just 15?

But first let’s make this about me

And now about you

Culture and asexuality