Ask Bish - Your Sex and Relationships Questions Answered

Ask Bish How to overcome my fears about having sex

How to deal with the first time fears but also how to deal with the pressure to do it.

“After reading this (my piece called ‘how to have sex’), I still honestly don’t know how to have sex. I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 17. He keeps (I guess I would call it) Pressuring me to “Have it” with him. I do want to do it with him, but I’m still really scared to do it, at the same really want to. Any tips or hints on how to overcome my fears??? :O”

Hey, thanks for your question. I love questions.

Speaking of questions ask yourself this question: if your boyfriend hadn’t pressured you into having sex, would you want to have sex with him? Try to separate out what you want from what he wants. Stand back, look at yourself and ask yourself “WHAT DO I WANT? and WHAT DO I NEED?”

In relationships there is give and take, sharing, compromise, doing something because you know that your partner really wants to. However the single most important thing is knowing what it is that you want to do and being able to say no to things you don’t want to do.

I don’t know in what way your boyfriend is pressuring you. Is he threatening you, either physically or emotionally (“if you love me you’d do me”)? Is he asking a lot? Is he making you feel bad for not having sex with him yet? Is he manipulating you?

Check out my relationships graph, how are you guys doing? Are your limits being respected? Are you communicating? Do you feel safe? Is this guy is the wrong guy?

If the relationship is ok check out my page ‘Should I Have Sex?’ This gives you an idea about why people regret sex (which includes being pressured), bad reasons to do it, good reasons to do it and what makes for really good first time sex with someone.

Think about this: what do you want your first time to be like? Do you want it to be exciting and intimate and sexy and orgasmic? You can only really have this kind of sex if you are an active, enthusiastic participant in the sex that you have. If not then sex will be something that your boyfriend does to you rather than with you – that kind of sex is not fun, potentially it’s also painful or uncomfortable (because you aren’t turned on enough) and also lacking in proper consent. You won’t like it and because of that, he probably won’t either.

So please don’t have sex before you are ready to do it. It’s ok to be a bit nervous and excited about sex, but I don’t think it’s ok to be having sex if you have “fears.”

But what does ‘sex’ mean? When people think of the word sex they often think of just entry sex (penis, or fingers, or toys in the vagina or anus). As I say in this piece, this is not the only option on ‘le menu de sexe’. Think more widely about the kind of sexual contact that you do want. What would you be comfortable doing? What would make you feel sexy do you think? Where would you like to be touched? Where would you like to be touched? See how I’ve highlighted the yous there?

Then you can have a conversation with your boyf about what you do want. Send him a link to that piece (or to this) to make it easier. You could both write down what you want to do on a piece of paper and then hand it to each other. You could then talk about the lists and work out:

  • what you would both like to do now,
  • what you might want to do in the future if you learned a bit more about it and were more comfortable, and
  • what you wouldn’t like to do right now at all.

Try to get into the mindset of ‘yes I want this, no I don’t want this’ and to tell your boyfriend. It’s not easy to start with but remember that (this is going to sound really corny and I hate myself for saying it) YOU ARE WORTH IT. Big yourself up here.

If your boyfriend is pressuring you into having sex and is not prepared to hear your concerns or to talk with you about what you want and don’t want then dump his arse. However I think that if you came to him with your wants and needs about sex then he might stop pressuring you and realise that sex is a two way street – that is what intercourse is I guess, an intimate and sexy conversation, not just one person pressuring the other till they give in.

Hope this helps



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