‘Why won’t he top me?’ My advice on why men might not want to top their girlfriends and what this actually means.
“My guy finds it uncomfortable to be top during sex. I, the female in the hetero relationship, don’t care if I’m either or. But I wonder why the guy doesn’t like topping.”
That’s a really great question. There are loads of reasons why guys don’t like to top during sex, some of which I’ve explained in this article about Tops and Bottoms in sex. But specifically it depends on what you mean by topping.
What kind of ‘top’ do you mean?
I guess depends on which kind of topping you’re talking about:
- being ‘on top’,
- being the person inserting a part of their body (eg penis) inside the other person,
- or being the active one,
- or being the dominant one in a kink scene.
Being ‘on top’
If we’re talking about literally being ‘on top’ then there are lots of reasons why he might not want to do that. It’s not always a comfortable position. If he has a bad back, or knees, or elbows that could be painful.
He might also be worried about the weight of him lying on you. Perhaps he is concerned with how he looks in that position? It’s important to be able to talk about our needs from sex, as well as what we want from it. There’s advice about that in this article How to Meet Our Needs.
If we’re talking about f***ing, he just might not be into it. A lot of men have told me (privately) that they aren’t. It might be that it doesn’t give him the sensations that he needs. Or he gets concerned that his dick might not get hard (if he has a dick of course). Maybe it would make him come too quickly.
We, as a society, always assume that sex is just penis in vagina sex ie f***ing, but we really shouldn’t. It’s also assumed that all men are into and so really want to do it, and they really don’t. So it’s best to see sex as being lots of different things that you might enjoy and just think a bit differently about it. Try this article OMG Yes, No, Hmm: work out what kind of sex you like.
Doing together not doing to
A thing that we are being taught about sex a lot is that there always has to be a top and a bottom. That’s not so. A lot of people prefer sex to be doing together, not someone doing something to someone. Maybe he’s someone who prefers sex to be really mutual.
Think of the way that a snog can be really mutual because you are doing something with each other at the same time. Your tongues might go in and out of each others mouths. They might go around and around, or in and out, or just completely still – for several minutes. You know, the British kiss.
Taking charge and being active
If we are talking about who takes the initiative and who is active, then we perhaps needs to talk about masculinity. One of the rules of masculinity, the should stories, is that men should take control, be active, and take the lead. Maybe he’s just not into doing this ‘big man thing’ of taking charge? Could it be that he just wants to give space for you to say what you want?
This sounds pretty good to me but it might be useful to you if he actually says this out loud. That’s because the culture we live in tells us to believe some things about men and masculinity that aren’t true for many individual men. I’ve written more about this in my how to be a man article.
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Topping as in domming?
Perhaps it’s that you want to be a sub he doesn’t want to be a dom? If so, although kink is very very popular (because there are so many different kinds of kink) it’s not for everyone.
Find out more about kink and how it can be done consensually and safely
A lot of men really might not want to take on a role where they are that dominant because they don’t want to be or play a role of that kind of man. If you’ve seen Normal People you might remember the bit where Connor is horrified to learn that Marianne is interested in this, because this is not how he sees his sexuality or gender. (I wrote about that too). So it’s potentially really complex stuff.
Here are the latest posts. Yes, they are all this good!
So my advice would be to try to open up conversations with him about this. Don’t say ‘why won’t you top me’ but instead try to have a series of open conversations about all of the things that you might like.
Try to chat about your wants and needs as well as his. I know that it can be hard to talk about what you want and to have those conversations, but that is only because you have probably had really bad sex education. There are loads of resources on here to help you to figure this out between you.
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Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. He’s a member of the World Association for Sexual Health.