‘Sex’ is not just about entry sex. Here’s how you can have amazing sex that doesn’t involve putting anything in anyone.
You might have seen me use the terms ‘entry sex‘ here – just to be clear, this refers things like penis in vagina or sex toy in anus. Non-entry sex is is sex (clue is in the name). It’s less risky re STIs or pregnancy but it’s also much much more enjoyable for many people. Lots of people need different kinds of sexual touch to enjoy sex. That’s what this piece is about.
It contains quotes about how sexy these things can feel. This helps to convince people that they do actually count as sex. So be warned, sexy quotes ahead.
Whispering and breathing in someone’s ear can feel really really nice to some people, others aren’t that keen on it. Whispering is also a great way of communicating, it can make it easier than saying it out loud. Saying how good something feels, or how sexy they are, or asking how they are feeling, or asking them if they want to do something else or where they would like to be touched can be very sexy.
#protips Not everyone likes it. If you can’t think of anything to say, just say mmmmmmm. Some people like a wet ear, others not, so maybe don’t slather them with your tongue. Some like their ear lobes to be gently nibbled.
Bites and nibbles
Sometimes people like to be bitten (or to bite) their snogging partner on the ear lobe or in the neck or shoulder. For some it can feel really really hot, others hate it. So it might be a good idea to ask someone if they would like to be bitten before asking them: for instance “do you like love bites?” “would you like to be nibbled” “can you gently bite my neck please.”
#protips Easy tiger, don’t take a chunk of flesh out of them! Love bites are just about giving them a gentle sharp nibble that hurts for a short period, think of it like being pinched. Ask how hard and where they want the bite, they leave marks (see the picture) which last for a couple of days. It can be embarrassing covering these up whatever age they are, so some people say below the neckline is fine but not above.
Read about how to do sex talk and communication
Stroking and massages feel great. Stroking someone through their trousers, leggings, tights, pants can also feel really really good. If that feels good then stroking around the genitals feels good too.
#protips Sometimes the roughness of fabric against penises or vulvas can cause chaffing (and this can lead to thrush sometimes), so maybe wear soft pants/trousers or try not to do it too roughly. Also be careful not to trap or sit on testicles (ouch).
Grinding is also something you can do naked, but remember to keep it safe you might want to keep your genitals away from each other or wear pants or wear condoms/dams.
Just cos you’re naked doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex if you don’t want to. Licking and kissing each others bodies can really turn people on. Some people have really really sensitive nipples and like them to be played with. You could also have a game of follow….
Read more about how you can have orgasms without ejaculating
There are some obvious areas that might be described as being ‘erogenous zones’: breasts, neck, mouth, genitals, blah blah. BORING! The whole body can feel really really sexy and sensitive. Explore with your partner where they might like to be touched. Try touching yourself and your partner in different ways: sometimes hard is good, sometimes a light touch with fingernails is better.
If it’s cold out try dribbling warm (not hot) drinks on each other: hot chocolate for instance, mulled wine (for the over 18s among you) and then licking it up. If it’s hot you could try ice cream, or even an ice cube – but never inside anyone and be very careful around the genitals.
Taking things slowly is good because then no-one feels pressured into going further than they want to, but also because it can be really really hot. However it can be frustrating if one person wants to go further than the other. It’s important to talk about this. Talk about what you want to do, what you are happy doing and what you want your partner to do.
Do leave a comment below if you have anything you’d like to add or if you have questions. I moderate all comments before they go live. Click here to ask me a question
© Justin Hancock, 2022
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Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. He’s a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. Find out more about Justin here