Tl;dr, orgasm and ejaculation are different. Sometimes they happen at the same time, but that doesn’t mean they are the same thing.
People can ejaculate without orgasms, and people can orgasm without ejaculating. This is true for people with vulvas and clitorises, and also for people with penises.
Wait even men (with penises)?
Even for men (with penises), orgasm and ejaculation are very different things. There’s a ridiculously complicated article about this. It concludes by saying “ejaculation is a complex process involving several anatomical structures and under extensive neurochemical and hormonal regulation. Orgasm, although associated with ejaculation, is a distinct physiological process, different from ejaculation.”
This is confirmed in this paper. It says: “Orgasm and ejaculation may be sensed as synchronous and thus experienced as a single event. However, orgasm and ejaculation are not the same process.” That same paper says that men are able to have more than one orgasm at a time. With often their multiple orgasms happening before ejaculation happens.
It’s about what we’re taught too
I think that people think they are different because this is what they were taught. Were you surprised to learn that even for penises, ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing? Sex is not just about biology, but a complex blend of biology, psychology and sociology.
How that works is:
- People have been taught that orgasm and ejaculation are the same.
- So they try to make that happen when they are having sex (solo, or with someone else).
- They ejaculate and assume that the sensations they are having is an orgasm.
This doesn’t make it not an orgasm – god this is complicated. But it does mean that people might not always be orgasming when they are ejaculating. And they might actually be orgasming without ejaculating and not realise.
If you’ve ever seen any porn featuring penises (there’s lots) then you might have noticed some grunting and moaning around ejaculation time. But also sometimes there is really not that much noise, or kerfuffle, during ejaculation. This is because male porn actors have to be able to ejaculate, but they don’t have to actually orgasm. Just like female actors.
And women (with vulvas)?
So yes, some people with vulvas do ejaculate a fluid from their urethra during sexy times. Sometimes it’s a semen like fluid and sometimes it’s a bit more like urine. There’s a lot of debate about this in the research, again this is a very under-researched area. We know from research that not all women ejaculate, and that the majority of women can and do experience orgasm.
Reports suggest that sometimes orgasms happen at the same time as ejaculation. Sometimes orgasm happens first and sometimes orgasm happens after. So this shows that ejaculation and orgasm are two different processes for people with vulvas too.
Cum Come Cumming Coming
Okay this is all very very confusing. So as I’ve explained, orgasm and ejaculation are different things. However, the words that we use to describe these things are either the same words, or very similar sounding words. So this means that we might get situations where people can say “have you cum?” “no but I definitely did come.”
Or “I want to cum” “wait, I thought you already did cum”, “no I was coming, not cumming.” Or “were you cumming cumming, or just coming?”
Maybe we should use two different words: like ejaculation and orgasm.
By the way, if you want a laugh, see the best comment on BISH here.
Ejaculation Doesn’t Prove An Orgasm
Oh my god am I going to say ‘ejaculation and orgasm are different things’ again, yes I am. AAAAARGH. Anyway, can we all now please stop making people ejaculate in order to ‘prove’ that we are orgasming please. We shouldn’t be making anyone do anything anyway because hashtag consent. But also, someone ejaculating does not prove that they are orgasming because, you know, ejaculation and orgasm are different things. AAAAAAAARGH.
Read: why you shouldn’t make people squirt
Stop Being Basic
People are applying their basic sex knowledge about penises and thinking that vulvas should work in exactly the same way. Thus we get people trying to make people ejaculate because they think that’s the same as orgasm. If anything we should do the opposite thing and treat penises like vulvas. So we’d say ‘well sometimes penises ejaculate and that’s fine, but it’s not the same as orgasm.’
Advice Time
When having sex (solo or with another) it might be useful and maybe quite pleasurable to think about these differences. Slow everything down and notice what was happening in your body. You could start having more orgasms than you thought you might. Being very ejaculation focused means you might actually be missing out on orgasms.
If you want to still experience orgasm and ejaculation as the same thing, then you can still do that. You do you. But it might be more fun to explore what is actually happening in your body. Often that’s better than just making our body behave in the way that we have been told it’s meant to.
This is very exciting to me!!! My guy and I (we are 60 & 61) were talking about our sex this weekend and about the fact I had an orgasm (weeee! – it can be more challenging as you get older). And I said I had one the last time via anal play. And he made a statement about that making me squirt in my vagina, I said I really didn’t think about it the feelings of the orgasm were definitely focused in the anal area. And then I said well you can have nipple orgasms and he acknowledged that but then said but they make you have an ejaculation (I said women don’t always do that). That conversation made me go looking and I found an article about a woman who said she felt her nipple orgasm in her breasts and I thought – then that seems like maybe you don’t have to have an ejaculation of orgasm – more searching “is an orgasm always accompanied by ejaculation” and I found your article.
Sorry that was so long – but my guy has ED and he would love nothing more than to have an orgasm (ejaculate) but he thinks it’s one in the same!!! I’m now on a quest to see how you orgasm (or know that you are) without ejaculation! I know he’ll still want what he once had (don’t we all?! 🙂 ) but I’m excited that there might release for him out there in another way!!!!!!
Great, I’m glad it was helpful! I can offer a coaching session or two if that would be helpful too https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching
Here I am more than half a century old (lol) and for the first time, a few months ago, I experienced female ejaculation. I’ve had children, I know my body well, female ejaculation is not the same sensation as women feel when they urinate. Best way for me to describe it, it was like a hot bucket of liquid poured over the top of my cervix (or vagina) completely enveloping it. Noteably, this arousal fluid doesn’t come from a females urethra or clitoris. It is from the vagina. And yes, altogether different than an orgasm. You can’t help but love both of them. What I experienced is a clear fluid, I’m sure there’s a scent but I couldn’t tell. The taste is sweet and salty. And I agree with my partner on this.
I enjoyed and learned a lot about your article. Considering I thought I knew it all. I was pleasantly surprised what I didn’t know. Thanks
Thank you for leaving such lovely feedback!