how do i learn to deepthroat so he won't leave me. Advice for someone who is feeling scared that if they don't learn to deep then he will leave her

How Do I Learn To Deepthroat So He Won’t Leave Me

I would like to know how do I learn about deepthroat. My boyfriend loves it but I am scared to vomit. Please help me with guidance, I am now scared that he would end up looking for another girl

Hi thanks for your question. There’s a lot of advice I want to give you before we get to how to learn to deepthroat I’m afraid. Sorry about that.

Listen to me reading this out if you prefer….

Doing it because you’re scared

Doing something because you are scared is usually not a good idea. Being scared into doing something is a sign that there isn’t enough consent going on. Consent means having the freedom and the ability to choose. In your question it doesn’t sound like there’s very much of either.

If he’s said that he’ll leave you if you don’t, then it would be great if you could dump him first. If he broke up with you because you are scared of doing something, then he should not be having relationships with anyone.

Power

Would it work the other way around? Imagine that you told him that you wanted to be deepthroated (or put a sex toy deep in his mouth). Or that you wanted to sit on his face or something. Would he write to me asking me how to do it, because he’d be scared of you leaving him? If not, you might want to think about what is going on in your relationship. Is there more at stake for you than him? Maybe there’s a difference in power in your relationship.

There is often a difference in power in relationships and often this is to do with our identities. Because of sexism, women are taught to give men what they want and men are taught to expect it. It’s not always like that but is this happening for you? Yes, men readers, I’m hearing you and I am also a man so shhhh.

Power to you though

It could also be that you are less confident generally, or rely on the relationship a lot. Maybe you don’t have a great relationship with yourself. If you were to learn to deepthroat because of these things, I don’t think it’s going to improve your relationship.

At this point I also want to say to you, big up you. Thanks for asking me this question. A lot of my readers will be thinking about this kind of thing and hopefully this will help them. Also, here’s how to learn to give yourself some Big Ups.

Has he just expressed a preference?

So, let’s say that your boyfriend isn’t making you feel like you have to learn about deepthroat, but simply just telling you what he loves. It’s okay for people to have preferences for what they would like and what they would not like. This goes for you too.

It’s okay for people to have preferences for what they would like and what they would not like. This goes for you too.

Think of this as a scale. He said that he loves deepthroating, so maybe that makes him a +10 on the scale. If you didn’t know that he loves deepthroating, where would you be on the scale? And where are you on the scale now you know he loves it?

a scale to help out how much you want or don't want to do something

It could be that you are like a -1 on the scale but would nudge that up to a +2 or +3 if you knew more about it (I will get to that). Or if you trusted him more maybe it would be higher.

But also, think of all the other different kinds of sex that are available (here are some ideas of different kinds of sex you might enjoy), apply this scale idea to all of them. Which of those are you scoring at +8, 9, or 10 for you? What kinds of sex do you love?

Can he build trust?

Maybe this is more to do with your boyfriend, rather than your boyfriend’s dick. Like I was saying above, if he is making you think that you should do this or he’ll dump you then I would like it if you dumped him. Dropped him like a bad habit. Put him in the bin. Etc etc. But if he is actually good at consent and communication then you might be able to have a conversation about it that might make you trust him a bit more.

So you could chat about your concerns about it: we know that you are worried about vomiting, but are you worried about anything else? IF you were to do this, are there things that he could do that would make this easier? For example checking in with you during it. Slowing everything down. Not expecting it to go brilliantly first time. Giving you time to build up to it.

Talking about it and your relationship

You could also chat about what he likes about deepthroating and what the term actually means. Is it something that he actually likes to experience for himself or is it something he fantasises about or watches in porn (there’s more about blowjobs and deepthroating here in my A – Z of Porn. Are there other things that you could both do that would feel sexy and enjoyable for both of you, rather than you just doing a thing you might not like to please him.

Like I said above, are there things that he could do for you that you really love but which he might not be super into. I don’t think that we should be making anyone do anything they don’t want to do for us, but sometimes it’s okay for one person to do a thing for another. That’s okay, so long as it’s consensual (that is, you’re freely agreeing to do it, and not because you are scared).

You could also talk about the relationship some more to build trust. If you knew that he was not going to leave you because you didn’t deepthroat him, would you still want to do it? There are so many pages on here I could refer you to, but you could both chat about what is going well in your relationship and the stuff you might want to work on a bit more. Start with the relationships graph and also have the define the relationships chat, to make sure that you are on the same page about what is going on between you. Also you might find my brief guide to relationships useful here.

IF you want to do it -sighs-

So if you really want to do this. Try with something penis shaped first: say a banana, or an ice lolly. Very very slowly see how far it can go into your mouth while it still feels comfortable. Just at the bit where it starts to feel a bit uncomfortable, go back a step to where it did feel okay and just hold it there for a sec. Take a deep breath in through the nose and out again and see how that feels.

Some people just can’t do it

If that felt rubbish, and you felt like you were going to be sick, then you shouldn’t try deepthroating. Some people are more sensitive to things touching the back of the throat or the roof of the mouth than others (known as gag reflex, or pharyngeal reflex, thanks Wikipedia). Everybody’s bodies are different, and work in different ways, so some people can deepthroat and others can’t.

Here’s how (but really, don’t)

If the above felt okay, or even good, then you could try doing all of this with an actual penis. Make a note of how far in you could comfortably get the banana in your mouth by putting your hand around the banana up against your lips. Then try to remember how much that was, and put your hand around the penis in the same place (or even get a tape measure out, and I’m only slightly joking).

Keep your hand on the penis where you had it on the banana so that it doesn’t go further than you want it to. Sometimes people with penises thrust and this can just be because they are having an orgasm, or little orgasms (orgasms and ejaculation are different). Sometimes people with dicks thrust deliberately. So keep your hand on the penis and put your other hand on his hips or something. Also do it in a position where you are on top, so it’s easier for you to pull your head away.

I think that’s it from me about the actual deepthroating. Here’s an interesting article from Cosmopolitan (of all places) where three women talk about why they like it, how to do it, and when not to do it.

Conclusion

So please consider not doing this, especially if it’s because you are scared of him leaving you. Try to think of yourself as an independent human, with your own wants, desires and needs. You are not on this planet just to please men. So please don’t make yourself be sick just to avoid him leaving you.

© Justin Hancock, 2020.

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I've written "Can We Talk About Consent - A Book About freedom, choices, and agreement." It's about how to choose your perfect pizza, what to watch on TV, who plays in goal, politics, rights, and yeah also a bit about sex. The illustrations are beautiful and hilarious.

Out in January but please.....