Advice on how to deal with delayed ejaculation or orgasm.
My boyfriend takes ages to cum and it gets to the point where i dont want to have sex anymore. we tried using thinner condoms but it didn’t really help. what can we do?
Hi, thanks for your question. For some reason I’m using football analogies as headings. If this makes no sense to you, apologies!
What you’re describing here sounds like delayed ejaculation: this is where males find it difficult to cum. Below is some advice about this (very common) sexual issue. There’s advice for you, him and both of you here which I hope you find useful.
You can both be goalkeepers: use your hands
Some people find that penetrative sex doesn’t give them the stimulation that they need to be able to cum. We often talk about this for females, most females need direct stimulation of the clitoris to be able to have the most pleasurable sex. This sometimes implies that males can and always do cum from penetration – this is not true.
It could be that your boyfriend might find it easier to cum from manual stimulation of the penis, testicles or anus for instance. If he finds it easier to cum through masturbating then you could perhaps include this in your sexy times together. He could masturbate or you could masturbate him or you could both do it. You’re allowed to use your hands: getting your partner off with something other than your genitals is good.
If he finds it difficult to cum through solo masturbation he could try practising different methods and techniques. It might be that he needs to try different kinds of masturbation, lighter or firmer strokes, using lube, focussing on different areas, using his imagination to fuel his sexual arousal. He may also benefit from relaxation techniques or focussing on how he breathes and paying closer attention to how turned on he is at particular times. This post from Kinsey Confidential recommends yoga for instance.
Training and preparation
There are some other external factors which can delay ejaculation too. Some people are more aroused (and thus find it easier to cum) at different times of the day. For instance many guys say they are more horny in the morning when they have more energy and higher levels of testosterone.
Many people drink alcohol when they have sex because they think it makes them more horny: however it can affect sexual arousal and can delay ejaculation (booze slows down reactions in the brain).
So if you’re only having sex late at night after a few beers, think about doing it in the morning, or afternoon, or whenever Neighbours is on nowadays and do it stone cold sober.
You mention condoms. They can certainly make it harder to cum for some guys. Thinner condoms can sometimes work. Some people prefer non-latex condoms (for example Mates Skyn or Pasante Unique) as they transmit heat better than latex ones. If the condom isn’t comfortable then it will make it more difficult to enjoy sex so make sure you’re using the right size. You could also try putting a dab of (water based) lubricant on the end of the penis before putting the condom on. He could try masturbating with condoms on in order to get used to them (known in the Sex Ed world as having a ‘posh wank’).
Also some anti-depressants can make it harder to have orgasms: if this applies to your boyfriend then he could speak to his GP about trying a different treatment.
Enjoy the quality of the football, not the result (just like watching Barca)
Remember that just because a someone isn’t having orgasms doesn’t mean that they aren’t enjoying sex. This is true for men and women. Thinking that sex is about ‘achieving’ orgasms means that we can be too focussed on the goal rather than how much we are enjoying it. Relaxing into sex, thinking about the present and how good it feels means we are more likely to enjoy it. Ironically the more we relax about having an orgasm the more likely we are to actually have one. Stress and anxiety can be big time arousal killers.
4:4:2 is so boring
Something which you can both do is to deconstruct what sex means and think out of the box when you are having sexy times. Is sex to you
< kissing – clothes off – stroking each other – oral sex – penetrative sex until he cums >
Is it always in that order? Then think about changing things around. Try not to see penetrative sex and him cumming as the ‘climax’ of your own particular scene. Involve masturbation, stroking, massages and talking….
Talking about what you both enjoy is really really important. A good sexual partner is one that seeks to make it more pleasurable for both them and their partner. How much are you enjoying this (up to the point when you are not enjoying it)? What kind of sex do you need to be enjoying it more? Is just penetrative sex doing it for you? Consider talking to each other more about your turn ons, where you really like to be touched, what stimulation you both need.
You can make this easier by really emphasising the stuff you really do like (which is easier than giving negative reviews). You could communicate through less verbal communication with ‘mmmmm’, or ‘yessss’ or ‘oh yeah that’s good’. Listening to each others breathing can give you a massive clue about how much they are enjoying something so it’s important to keep your ears pinned back and to try and remember stuff.
This is all stuff that can get better with practise, a bit of honest communication which can be easier in close trusting relationships. Keep talking and listening.
© Justin Hancock, 2012