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Ask Bish Sometimes She Wants Sex, Other Times She Doesn’t

I have a verrry close female friend, you could pretty much say we are dating. Anyway we have taken things pretty far and I know she is 110% comfortable with this. However sometimes she confuses me. One day we will mess around and have fun and then be in the same exact situation a few days later but she will be completely against doing anything. I don’t want to push her but it’s extremely hard for me not to when I’m in the mood and ready to go. Any helpful tips/advice??

Hi, thanks for your question

As you are aware (from what you’ve said in your question), the most important thing when we have sexy time with someone is that they are totally agreeing to do it. It’s really important that people aren’t pressured or heavily persuaded (coerced) into doing something that they don’t want to do. I expect you’re nodding your head as you read that (good).

So now on to the problem: your verrry close female friend sometimes wants to have sex (by sex I mean any kind of activity which could be regarded as sexual, not just entry sex) and sometimes she doesn’t. This can be for many reasons.

Sometimes she might just not be in the mood?

Sometimes people just don’t really feel it. Not everyone wants to have sex all the time. Sometimes people want cuddles, a chat, food, a sleep or a nice cup of tea. Sometimes people need to be really relaxed in order to want to have sex. In relationships people can learn to recognise the ebb and flow of their own sexual desire and that of their partners. Sometimes people can help to accommodate the needs of their partner whilst not always being totally into it themselves (more on this below) or the other person can help to create the conditions where their partner might want to have sex.

Basically people don’t have horny switches to turn on when they or their partner want to have sex.

She might not want to have sex?

Some people want to have sex loads, some less, some not at all. Some people really want to have a romantic relationship with someone but find that their sex drives are mismatched. It could be that she just generally wants to have sex less than you do (this is certainly not just because she is female) or maybe isn’t really into sex that much at all. She could be at the asexual end of the scale of things. For more on this read check out AVEN

It could be that she does want sex and does want to have sex with you, but that she isn’t totally ready to do it yet. Being ready for sex is not just about being old enough, or being in a relationship, it’s about being comfortable with your body, feeling happy sharing it with someone, feeling that it’s the right thing for them to do.

She’s not sure about you or the relationship?

You’re not sure whether you are dating or just friends who have sex, that means she’s probably not sure either. I don’t think it’s necessary to define what a relationship is in order to have one, but maybe you both need a bit more clarity about how you feel about each other. Trust is an important part of any intimate relationship: do you both trust that you aren’t going to hurt each other? do you both strive to take care of each other? are you both able to communicate what you want (more below…)?

Have a look at my relationship graph here (the explanatory notes are here) bish how's my relationship graph



Where are you both on this do you think? Where do things match up? As I said above, it can be easier to understand your own and your partners sexual needs in a relationship (and yes I am talking about friends who have sex). It’s also possible to try to accommodate your partner’s needs even if you aren’t really up for it.

But have you also considered whether she really fancies you or not? She might want to have sex with you sometimes because she’s curious, or wants to experiment or have fun, but she might not feel this way all the time. Also, have you actually talked about this?

Have you actually talked about this?

Sounds to me like you have about as much idea about what’s going on in her head as I do (ie very little idea). It’s not a great idea to assume or guess what she’s thinking, so why not ask her? Do it gently and NOT when she’s just said that she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just jumping on someone and snogging them does not count as talking about it.

Some people like to talk about sex, they feel more relaxed about being able to express what they want from sex and understanding what their partner wants. If they are less anxious about this then they may feel more comfortable asking for the kind of sex that they want when they want it. Try saying things like: ‘I really enjoy having sex with you, can we talk about how we can find a time where we both want to have sex?’

Are you doing it right?

If you’re a young person you might not have a great deal of time to spend with your partner. You also may not have very much privacy. Lots of young people find that in their first relationships they just don’t have enough private time to feel comfortable. A few minutes here and there in someone’s bedroom or a grope on a parent’s sofa whilst they’ve nipped out to the shop isn’t going to be enough time for a lot of people to feel comfortable to have sex.

So you might need to make more time, plan more or not ‘go as far’ with each other. There are loads of things you can do together that are hot but involve you keeping your clothes on.

Are you sorting yourself out?

If you’re feeling that verrry close friend can’t or isn’t meeting your sexual needs as much as you want, have you thought about masturbating? Masturbating is a great way of having sexual pleasure by ourselves whenever we want (so long as you’re in private). This is ok. There is nothing wrong with masturbation at all.

Hope this helps!


© Justin Hancock

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