What does it mean if sex dreams feel better than sex in real life? Does it reveal ‘truths’ about your sexuality and relationships?
This seems really daft but it’s giving me intense anxiety. When I get a sex dream (i’m female) It feels so much better/ more intense than sex in real life with my boyfriend. I do enjoy sex with my boyfriend but dont get the same intense groinal response as I do in my dreams. I occasionally get sex dreams about people I’m not attracted to. I.e same sex dreams . Does this mean i’m not attracted to my boyfriend? Could this mean I’m actually gay as i’m more aroused by the same sex content in my dreams? I feel so silly for asking.
I’ve answered this in a video. The summary is: it’s fine to have sex dreams like this, it doesn’t have to mean anything for your sexuality or your relationship but it could be interesting to think about, if you want.
Sex dreams are okay
First of all it’s totally okay to have sex dreams and fantasies generally. Even though most of us have some kind of sexual fantasy, it’s never really talked about. Did you learn about fantasy in sex education? Exactly. Because of this there can be a lot of stigma and shame in talking about them, even though they are really common and okay.
If you want to, it’s possible that you could understand yourself a bit more through your sex fantasies. You could think about when you have these sex dreams – what’s going on in your regular life? Who is in the dreams, is it always you they are happening to? What about the other people in them? Maybe they are just representing different sides of you? I’ve written more about worrying about fantasies.
Sex dreams and sexuality and sex
It’s not true that just because you are having same sex sex dreams that this is your ‘true’ sexuality and that your real life sex life is ‘false’. That’s just really basic and wrong. You could think about your sexuality a bit more if you wanted to. Maybe start by thinking of it as a spectrum rather than just whether you are straight or gay. There’s a lot more about this in my article called ‘What’s Your Sexuality?’
This is also an opportunity to think about your IRL sex life too. Could it be more enjoyable? Are you able to take the time to explore what you want to do? Do you have conversations about what might work for you?
Interesting point I didn’t make in the video, is that when we are sleeping we are more relaxed. Being relaxed is really important in being turned on, stress kills a boner. During the night the parasympathetic nervous system takes over and actually send blood into the groinal area. This is what causes erections / boners in the night time (no matter what genitals you have). So you might want to consider whether you are relaxed enough to enjoy real life sex enough?
Obviously I’ve written about how to enjoy sex more. It’s also okay to allow your fantasy world into your ‘real world’ sex. You don’t have to share your fantasies with your partner, but you are allowed to fantasise during sex.
Anyway, that’s it. Please do watch the video and share this around if you find it helpful.
Also if you’re over 18 and want to do a bit more work on your fantasies, I wrote this resource with my mate Meg-John.
© Justin Hancock, 2025 Find out more about me and BISH here.
I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.
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