What’s the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?

I got asked what the difference is between a kink and a fetish IRL. So I thought I’d answer it in full here.

Look, here’s the short (boring) version. Kinks and fetishes have some overlaps, particularly if someone uses the word kink (or kinky) to mean ‘not mainstream’. Kink more specifically refers to things to do with BDSM: consensual power play and restraints or pain play (like spanking). Fetishes are more to do with having ‘a thing’ for ‘a thing’. The most important thing is not the label, but to be able to talk about them if you are into them. It’s not what things are, but how we might do them and what they might do. 

Now for the long version, where you can also learn about Karl Marx!

Defining kink

There are a few ways that people talk about ‘kink’. One way is to mean that Kink is another word for BDSM/ This is how I’ve covered it here at my article about Kink. This is sex / sensual activities that might include the consensual exchange of power (submission and domination) or restraints (eg ropes, handcuffs, ties, or just using hands) or discipline (eg being told off, told names, made to do things as a ‘punishment’, or spanked). 

However there is also a much broader meaning of Kink that sometimes people use. Like if someone were to say ‘they’re a bit kinky’ or ‘they’re into a load of kinky stuff’ or ‘this is kinky and hot’. This ‘Kink’ is to mean anything sexual which is a bit different to the mainstream. This broad definition of kink can include lots of things that don’t follow the ‘should story’ of what sex ‘should’ be. So things like BDSM, watching porn together, ethical non-monogamy, group sex, oral and anal sex, role play and dressing up. Basically anything that isn’t kissing – stroking – ‘foreplay’ – entry sex is sometimes said to be kink / kinky. This can include fetishes. 

You might find my guide to what is sex useful if you don’t know what about what I’m talking about in that last bit.

What is a fetish?

Often when people talk about fetishes I think they are talking about someone having ‘a thing’ for ‘a thing’. This ‘thing’ could be something that someone wears, like shoes, or another item of clothing. It could be for a particular part of the body, like feet, or hands, or breasts. Maybe it’s to do with particular behaviours like smoking or biting fingernails. Or it could be for an object, like a balloon. Food stuffs are popular; custard, gravy, whipped cream. It’s any ‘thing’ that’s been made a ‘thing’.¹ Are you following so far? 

I’m about to use the word ‘thing’ six times in a sentence, that must be a record. Anyway, here goes. The thing about making ‘a thing’ ‘a thing’ is that making the thing ‘thingy’ makes the thing a turn on. It’s not ‘the thing’ it’s the making the thing a thing. Which means that someone with a balloon fetish can quite happily go to a birthday party and not be turned on, because it’s not the balloon, it’s what they do with the balloon in their head. It’s to do with fantasies.

Consent and fetishes

With a fetish, what makes it hot is the separation of the thing from the rest of its parts: like a foot from the leg for example. This is where we need to make sure that if we act on a fetish that we take care. For example, in fetishising (doing a fetish) a person’s foot, we have to remind ourselves that the foot belongs to a leg which also belongs to a person. I think to be an ethical fetishist (someone with a fetish) we should try to be as consensual as possible.

Have they given us any indication at all that they would welcome us making ‘a thing’ about some part of themselves? Is there a way of slowly bringing up the subject with someone to allow them to respond in a way that feels okay? Instead of jumping right to ‘I have a fetish about ….’ you could say, ‘I like ….’ or ‘I’m into ….’ Sometimes even asking if this would be okay would be overstepping the line, for example with total strangers, or with someone in our lives where it wouldn’t be appropriate. In these cases the we should not involve someone else in our fetishes. So just as with Kink (aka BDSM) and with any kind of sex, consent is super important for fetishes too. There’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed about if you have fetishes², they are very popular and but it’s just important to make sure there is as much consent as possible. 

My article on how to ask gives you some good tips on this. Also check out my book Can We Talk About Consent, a free audio and video version is available.

Fetishism and socialism

This brings us to a bit of political theory that you might find interesting: commodity fetishism. This is when capitalism encourages to be into ‘the things’ that we buy rather than what goes into making ‘the things’ happen. This is an idea from Karl Marx³ and it’s a criticism he has about capitalism which is where these things are in our lives (Dubai chocolate bars, matcha lattes, or Labubus) just kind of magically appear, rather than being made and designed by people who themselves are supported and produced by other people. I do it, you probably do it (let’s be real) and other people do this to us. It means that it produces us as these individual, lonely, and alienated little units. We feel disconnected from the rest of the world. It makes it easier for capital to make money from us by separating us off from each other in this way. 

All my advice is about trying to overcome this and to do the opposite. Like this one about how to make friends. Or this one about how to ‘get’ a girlfriend / boyfriend / themfriend. We’re born into relationships, we live our lives in relation to the world around us. Our ‘becoming us’ is absolutely reliant on the people around us. Being aware that it’s us making ‘the thing’ out of ‘the thing’ is the thing that makes it a turn on is actually not commodity fetishism. It’s better, because we understand that we are making this thing happen, and that it’s on us to make sure we do it as consensually as possible.

Making ‘a thing’ out of a label

I don’t really like trying to explain ‘what things are’. Once I explain what a thing is I run the risk of making it a ‘a thing’ – like I tried to do with the word ‘prinding’ when I was explaining ‘what gooning is’. When I explain something I say, it could be this, or it could be this but more important is how you do it and what it can do. So knowing what a kink is and knowing what a fetish is will only get you so far.

The key is to be able to communicate what it is about the kink or fetish that you like, how you like to do it, and what that does to your body. Also it’s on you to listen and nod nicely when other people are telling you about their kinks or fetishes. Looking at it this way, it’s about not making ‘a thing’ out of the labels ‘kink’ or ‘fetish’. It’s not about what things are, but what things do. 

Here’s a resource about how to make chatting about sex easier.

Making ‘a thing’ out of yourself

I think a thing that is useful to avoid is to make ‘a thing’ out of our own ‘things’. Making something ‘the thing about you’ is not going to make that thing easier. We can separate our own things off by thinking about our ‘I am-ness’. I am this, you are into that. I’m into this, you are into that. The philosophers I like call this ‘walling in your I’⁴. This is why it’s useful to think more about what things do rather than what things are. It allows for your ever changing ‘you’ to emerge. We are all changing and growing and emerging into the world with others. Don’t try to stop it, but find ways to go with it. Be curious about how you emerge. Pay attention to how everything relates to everything else. Bring kindness and freedoms to you and the world around you. Maybe make that your ‘thing’?

1. Scorolli, C., Ghirlanda, S., Enquist, M. et al. Relative prevalence of different fetishes. Int J Impot Res 19, 432–437 (2007). https://doi.org/10.1038/sj.ijir.3901547  ↩︎
2. Harrison, M. A., & Murphy, B. E. (2021). Sexual fetishes: sensations, perceptions, and correlates. Psychology & Sexuality, 13(3), 704–716. https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2021.1915368 ↩︎
3. Marx, K. 1971. Capital: A Critique of Political Economy. London. Lawrence & Wishart, in Gilbert, J. 2014. Common Ground: Democracy and Collectivity in an Age of Individualism. London. Pluto Books. ↩︎
4. Keij, D. (2022). The risks of a recurring childhood: Deleuze and Guattari on becoming-child and infantilization. Educational Philosophy and Theory, 56(3), 218–228. https://doi.org/10.1080/00131857.2022.2128759 ↩︎

© Justin Hancock, 2026 Find out more about me and BISH here.

BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.

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