How we can communicate after sex so that we don’t get embarrassed. Sometimes we need to find different ways of asking questions and checking in with each other so that we can both find it easier.
This article references kink (sub / dom dynamics) in case you don’t wish to read about that.
Hi,
Looking for some advice on being more confident with talking to my bf about sex and what we both like or don’t like. He’s very confident and finds it easy to tell me if he wants more or less of something, or wants to try something new. However i struggle with it. When we have sex he’s dominant and i’m submissive, which is something we spoke about and are both into. And during sex, when he’s being dominant and dirty talking it really turns me on. However when we’ve finished, he often wants to ask me if i enjoyed it, how it was, if i liked what he did/said and ik that’s a good thing he asks, but i get so embarassed to answer his questions!
I’m not sure if im embarassed because once we’ve finished i’m not really turned on anymore so i no longer find things hot and feel more kind of awkward about it?
Me and my bf have been together for 5 years so i trust him.
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Thank you for asking this excellent question! I think a lot of people are in your situation so with your question and my answer we are both going to make people feel more confident with this stuff. Go us!
Who gets to be confident about sex
Sadly, some people are more allowed to be interested in, and therefore more confident about, sex. Think about the ‘should stories’ we receive in society about, for example, men and women who have sex. You might find that generally speaking for the first group it’s ‘wayhey, get it, what a lad’ and for the second it’s ‘tut tut, think of the consequences, waggy finger’. This can also be increased or decreased when we also factor in other identities such as race, disability, sexuality, and class. You haven’t told me anything about you, but I just wanted to point out that sometimes the world we emerge into allows some people to be sexual and others less so. Because these ‘should stories’ are everywhere (school, TV, internet, movies, religion etc) they can be very powerful. So, no wonder some people struggle to feel confident talking about it.
I’ve written about this whole men are studs and women are s***s thing here.
Here’s an article about Covid and stress, but is relevant because it’s about how people are affected differently because of inequality.
Unconfident sub / confident dom to confident sub / confident dom
From what you describe in your question, the dynamic that is going on is that there is a confident person, who is the dom. There’s also the unconfident person who is the sub. Unconfident sub / confident dom. A lot of people worry that someone who is a sub in their relationship who is a bit unconfident might not be given enough opportunity to say ‘actually this is what I want’. I think it’s better to be active, engaged, and powerful in sexual relationship, even if you’re the sub. In fact, for a lot of people who are in sub / dom relationships it’s the sub who has more power, because they are asking for what they want and also actively set the power and boundaries.
But also, you say that you’re in a trusting relationship and have been together for 5 years. So the project for both of you is if you like the sub and dom dynamic, how can you both produce a confident sub and confident dom? Confident sub / confident dom. So all the rest of the advice here is for both of you to work on.
BTW here’s an article about trust in relationships.
Bodies in a completely different state, feels like an other body
It’s interesting that you sound the most confident, during sex. You say that the domination and the talking really turns you on. Even though it might not feel like it at the time, this is much ‘you’ as the unconfident you. The feelings that you experience in your body, in relation to your boyfriend’s body, can feel really powerful. Being turned on in those moments, and knowing that this is something you enjoy, is a kind of power that you can make use of.
This is what sex and kink dynamics can do for a lot of people. Because the kind of excitement that sex and kink (sub and dom) can put our bodies in such a completely different state that it feels really ‘other’. The heart racing, breathlessness, neural pathways mapping onto each other, the vagus tone helping to regulate the autonomous nervous system, and the pleasure centres of our brains going OFF. It can make us feel like we’re having an out of body experience. But it’s important to remember that this is very much still you, just a different side of you.
You can read more about this stuff in my article how do I know when I’ve had an orgasm?
Post nut clarity and after care
I’ve written about the annoying phrase ‘post-nut clarity’ here. Sex can involve many different kinds of intense feelings and sensations, on top of some pretty vigorous exercise. It’s a lot, and our bodies need to rest after this kind of experience. One of the things that could be going on is that after sex, your boyfriend is experiencing a ‘post-nut clarity’ at a different time to, or at a different intensity to, you. What might be happening is that he is calming down after sex more quickly than you. That’s what you’re describing in your question.
So when he’s asking you these questions, you’re just not ready. Different people need different things after sex, but usually we need some kind of slowness and care. If your bf wasn’t asking you questions after sex, what would he be doing instead? How will you respond? What difference will that make?
After sex conversations
I think that what your boyfriend is doing is right, but he’s not doing it in the way that works for you. It’s really good to care about whether your sex/kink partner enjoyed it, but we’ve got to be able to figure this out in ways that work for us. There are lots of different options here. There are things that he can do, that you can do, and you both can do.
What he can do
He could ask these questions but at a completely different time, ie not just after sex when you are still calming down. A couple of hours later, or the next day, for example. He could do it in a different way, for example he could text you, giving you the time and space to respond in a way that feels good. A bit of time and space would help you to really remember the sex, tune into your body and think about what you enjoyed, things you could enjoy more, and things you can leave off the table for next time. He could also ask different questions, or not even ask questions. Perhaps he could say what he felt about it first: I really liked the bit when … etc etc.
What you can do
All you have to do is to say (not after sex and before next time), that you would like him not to ask you these questions. You could say that you will tell him if there’s anything you weren’t into. Maybe one day, as the confident sub, you will turn to him after sex and ask him how he felt about it. You would then be able to open up the conversation in the ways I’ve just suggested he can do. Also (and this is the classic advice columnist response), you could just send him my advice.
What you can both do
What you both can do is to really pay attention to each other before, during, and after sex. How do you know that you were both having a really good time, without using words? Go over the last sexual experience you both enjoyed and think about everything that was going on that told you it was enjoyable. How your bodies moved, your breathing, the noises, eye contact, facial expressions, how and where you held each other, how long it lasted, the intensities and the less intensities, the speed, the pressure, the sexual talking. Consent isn’t just about the conversation before and the conversation after, it runs through and beyond the whole experience. What were you both doing to maximise each other’s enjoyment? How were you making each other feel free and gently held?
The other thing you can both do is to talk about talking. How do you actually want to talk about these things? What will help you both? I’ve got a resource about how to talk about talking here that you will hopefully find useful. I’ve also got some advice about how to make talking about sex and relationships easier here, like putting some music on in the background and putting your chairs ‘on the wonk’.
The embarrassment / confidence scale
You say that you get ‘so embarrassed’ but not ‘too embarrassed’ and you say that you struggle to talk about it not that you can’t talk about it. You also mentioned that you’ve both chatted about the sub / dom thing and that you’re into it. So this implies that you do in fact have some resources under there that you could tap into.
Let me ask you a scaling question. Let’s say that 10 is the most confident it’s possible to be when talking with your boyfriend about sex and 0 is the opposite, what number are you at now? Okay, now tell me, what puts you at that number and not the one below? What do you know about yourself that means you at that number and not one less. If you’re at at 4, how come you’re not a 3? Make a list. Think of examples. What have you been pleased to notice?
So we might not get to a 10 all the time, but what if you were just one number higher? What will you notice if you were one number higher? After the next time you have sex, you are at a 5 and not a 4, what will you be pleased to notice? How will your boyfriend respond? What will you say? What will he say back?
A scale for both of you
Now let’s say that you were both at 8 for being able to speak confidently with each other about the sex and what you enjoyed. What will you both start to notice? What will you do? How will you know that you’re both at 8 and not 7? What else? Imagine that you’re lying next to each other after the next time you have sex and you’re both at 8, what will you being doing? What else? How will you respond to each other? As you look at each other, what will you see? What will you hear and feel? Describe the vibe in the room, what’s that like?
Other resources
You might find some other resources here to be useful.
Here’s one about working out what kind of sexual things you might like.
This one is about Kink and the sub / dom dynamic
My book Can We Talk About Consent (there’s a free audio and video too) has loads of advice and tips on how to incorporate lots of consent into our lives.
© Justin Hancock, 2025 Find out more about me and BISH here.
BISH is run by me, Justin Hancock. I’ve been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. I’m a member of the World Association for Sexual Health. As well as BISH I also have resources, a podcast, and a coaching service for over 18s, as well as some of the best RSE teaching resources around. Find out out about my other work at justinhancock.co.uk. My work has featured (positively) in the media, like the BBC, Financial Times, The Economist, The Guardian, Sky One, and Novara Media.
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