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Why Won’t He Have Vaginal Sex With Me?

“Is it weird if I ask him why he won’t have vaginal sex with me?” Not all guys are into vaginal sex. Find out why and what you can do about it.

Hi I’m a twenty-something female casually seeing a twenty-something male for about 5/6 months now. We had vaginal sex once… I’ll give him oral but he’ll come before we can have sex. He’ll finger me to make up for my annoyance that he came before we could have vaginal sex. He hasn’t given me oral but wants to explore anal. We can make out for a very long while and he’ll stay hard but the moment he is going to insert his penis in my vagina it goes soft, or he takes too long to get a condom and it gets soft or there isn’t one. It’s so annoying. Is it weird if I ask him why he won’t have vaginal sex with me? Last time it went soft, I figured it might be stage fright so I said we can make out, and he was all in, but I feel like that’s not it. My self esteem has taken a hit.

Hi there Thanks for your question. It sounds like you aren’t having the best sexy times so I’m sorry that’s happening. Here’s my advice

He’s just not into vaginal sex, maybe

There are lots of reasons why men (with penises) don’t enjoy having vaginal sex. Many lads have told me over the years that it often just doesn’t do it for them. They feel like it’s something that they have to do, but it’s not their favourite kind of sex. 

It could be that vaginal sex doesn’t give them enough stimulation, so they find it difficult to have an orgasm or ejaculate. Some people find it’s the opposite and it gives them too much stimulation so they ejaculate really quickly, which might put an end to sexy times for them (orgasm and ejaculation are different).

Remember, penises and vaginas vary a lot in size. Some penises will be too big for some vaginas, some vaginas will be too big for some penises, and some penises and vaginas will be just the right size for each other. Goldicocks/Goldi [insert your own vagina reference rhyming with Goldilocks here]. So it could just be about your bits. 

Maybe he finds safer sex tricky

Maybe he really doesn’t want an unplanned pregnancy. Condoms are very effective at preventing pregnancy if they are used correctly, but even with condoms and another form of contraception, sometimes people really worry a lot about pregnancy. Enough that might put him off having vaginal sex altogether. 

Related to this is the using condoms bit. Using condoms can be a faff if you aren’t very experienced at using them. So that’s why I wrote a guide with lots of really great tips for getting condoms open and on quickly and easily (the pre-tear is a great idea). It could be that he is a bit of a condom dodger because they are affecting his hard on. Fine, you could just both have different kinds of sex that doesn’t need condoms. However, if he wants to have anal you should both make sure that you get tested for STIs before you do that without condoms. Also if you’re going to have oral again you might want to use condoms for that too

Past vaginal sexy times

Another reason he might not be into vaginal sex is that his body is remembering a time when penis in vagina sex didn’t really go that well. Like maybe it hurt the other person, or hurt him. We remember trauma like that, and it can make it very difficult to feel sexy about doing certain kinds of sex again for that reason.

It could also be that he’s had a difficult emotional reaction to vaginal sex again. Perhaps he experienced some stigma, or shame, or someone putting a lot of pressure on him to perform. Speaking of which …

Pressure to perform

You should be careful about putting a lot of pressure on him to perform. Dicks don’t get hard on demand and if you think they do or should, you’re wrong. Dicks don’t work that way. If the only sex that you want to have is penis in vagina sex, then you are going to need to find another penis owner that is up for that too. Even then, there’s no guarantee that that person is going to be hard every time because we are all different and different people want and need different things at different times. 

Read: what can I do when they lose their hard on

Think outside the vagina

If you are going to stick with this guy, I think you could both try to broaden your sexual imaginations a little bit. Think of all the different kinds of sex that you could do with a fully erect, a semi, or a flaccid penis. Alternatively think about all the sex you could have:

  • By yourselves
  • Together but not in the same room
  • Together, same room, clothes on
  • Together, same room, underwear on
  • Together, same room, naked. 

Here’s another article from me listing a few different kinds of sex that you might want to consider. Then you can go through each one and talk about which you fancy doing, which you really don’t want to do, and which you might want to do. 

There’s more to sex than vaginal

Also try to get away from this idea that the only kind of sex that counts is vaginal sex. I’ve written so many articles about this on here that I am getting bored of the sound of my own voice. But this one about the numbers of people who don’t enjoy penis in vagina sex, this one about why penis in vagina sex can be meh, and this one about the history of penis in vagina sex by Eleanor Janega as ‘default’ sex are a good starter. 

Ultimately this is probably just one kind of sex that he doesn’t want to have. He probably still fancies you, you just need to have the sex you both want to have, not the sex you both think you should have.

As you’re over 18 you might also want to read the sex advice book for adults I wrote with my mate MJ called ‘A Practical Guide to Sex’

© Justin Hancock, 2020.

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I've written "Can We Talk About Consent - A Book About freedom, choices, and agreement." It's about how to choose your perfect pizza, what to watch on TV, who plays in goal, politics, rights, and yeah also a bit about sex. The illustrations are beautiful and hilarious.

Out in January but please.....