Is It The Right Time To Lose My Virginity?

Advice for a reader on whether having sex with his girlfriend is the right thing to do.

Hi Bish, I wanted to ask you about losing one’s virginity. I am a 19 year old guy, at university, and I’ve been seeing this girl for a year now, and she has persuaded me it is time we go to bed together soon. I am excited but also very scared. Will this go well for me? In 20 years time, will I regret this because taking this step with this girl led to misery, or will I be joyfully married to a wonderful woman??? The risk in taking this leap plays on my mind, and I just feel so uncertain, but at the same time feel if I don’t do this I’ll be left alone for the rest of my life whereas all my friends are in relationships now. I don’t know how exactly you could help, but yeah just felt like telling you this if you have any advice?

And here’s a summary of what I said above!

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You’re thinking in very black and white terms. Will it lead to misery or will it lead to joy. It’s very hard to go through life thinking in this binary way because life is not binary. Generally speaking life is somewhere in between a spectrum of joy and misery. Try to be more incremental and think about smaller changes happening over longer periods of time.

It’s rare for first time sex (so long as it is consensual) for it to be this huge huge thing. Even first time sex is magical, or if it’s a bit meh, it’s unlikely to have a huge effect on your relationship.So break it down into bite size chunks. First time sex isn’t just one act.

Talk about your anxieties with your girlfriend but also talk about your values and what sex means to both of you. Maybe she is much more chill about sex than you?

Sex isn’t just about penis in vagina sex. Sex is lots of different kinds of things that you can choose to do or choose not to do. A snog and rolling around with clothes on can be sex – it’s up to you what counts.

Work out what kinds of sex you want to have

Break everything down into much smaller bite size pieces. Also do this for your relationship too. You may think that your relationship is going to last forever and ever, but it probably won’t. So this one act (having sex) isn’t going to determine what happens in your relationship.

Relationships are a day to day thing. There are lots of boring, mundane things that we need to do all the time in order to make a relationship a good relationship. So it’s about chatting, being clear about boundaries, talking about what you want, and what you can give each other.

Learn how to do relationships well

Try not to compare yourself with your friends either. You’re comparing your insides with their outsides and that’s not helpful for you. It’s also not fair on your friends. Instead compare your relationships with your friends with your relationship with your girlfriend.

Perhaps also consider whether you are overthinking this. You might be able to get some support if your thoughts are getting a bit overwhelming.

For more advice check out

Should I Have Sex? – some questions for you to think about to help you work out when the right time is for you

How’s My Relationship – if you’re not sure about the relationship or are just stressing a bit this can help

Talk About What’s Important To You In Relationships – an idea from me for how you might be able to do some real talk with someone

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