is masturbation better than sex

Is Masturbation Better Than Sex?

People often worry that they find masturbation better than sex. So here’s some advice if this is something that you think about.

I think it’s fine for you to enjoy solo masturbation more than other forms of sex. You do you. I’ll explain why people might prefer it, and maybe you might think about whether this is true for you.

Sorry, Wrong Question

So first of all the question is wrong for three reasons. Sorry about that.

  1. Masturbation is sex and so if something is a thing it can’t be better than that thing #philosophyinnit
  2. The question implies that the only kind of sex that is real sex is sex with another person, which is wrong #solosexissex
  3. It also makes out that masturbation itself isn’t sex and that only penetration is ‘real’ sex #compulsorypiv

I think that if we start to see sex as what may or may not be enjoyable to us, rather than what is ‘real’ or not, then we might find it easier to enjoy.

Is Masturbation Better Than Penetrative Sex With Another Person?

Yes. For many people masturbation, by themselves, is more enjoyable than penetrative sex with another person. It can be many people’s absolute favourite thing to do – even if they are in a sexual relationship with another person.

So why do people worry about this? Well, mostly because of the above. We are still stuck with this idea that the most important reason that people have sex isn’t to enjoy it, but to have kids. This is ‘normal’ sex. This can make us feel really crap about ourselves if we have any other kind of sex, because it’s not nice not to feel normal.

Solo Sex

Some people just prefer not to have sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people. It doesn’t mean that they don’t like sex, they just want to do it with themselves. Maybe they have had difficult relationships in the past, or just don’t really feel very connected to many people. Perhaps they’ve had sex with other people and it was crap, or non-consensual and just don’t want to go back there. There are many reasons why people just prefer to have sex with themselves – and it’s totally totally okay.

Nobody Does It Better

Even if they are interested in having sex with other people sometimes they just don’t come close to being as good as they are by themselves. It can be really difficult or take a long time to work out what kind of sex you like by yourself. Sharing that with someone else and then trying to meet their needs can be too much like hard work.

Try as they might, another person often just can’t touch you in just the right way that you want to touch yourself. Of course one answer is to masturbate next to your partner. But even then the other person might just put you off your game. So if this is you and you think you’d prefer to just do it by yourself, that’s totally fine.

Fantasy Island

Some people are really into skin on skin sensations. Touching someone, being touched or touching themselves can be the biggest turn on for many people. However, for many other people this just doesn’t do it for them and instead need to/want to fantasise to enjoy sex. This could be running through a complex story in their head, or just imagining what it’s like to have sex with someone, or it could be watching porn.

This isn’t really something that many people feel okay about because it’s rarely talked about. What did you get taught about fantasies in Sex Ed? Nothing right? Nowadays people also talk about being addicted to masturbation too, which makes this worse. Also when we just talk about the problems of porn we make people feel bad about something which people may just prefer even where there is little evidence to say that porn is harmful (more on that here). Added to all the stuff above about masturbation then people can feel really bad about fantasising and masturbation.

As I say in this recent article, it’s totally okay to have fantasies and having them doesn’t mean that they are something you want to do in real life. Sometimes it’s just better or safer to masturbate by yourself whilst fantasising – so this is another reason why masturbation can be better than sex with someone.

Struggling With Masturbation?

Of course you might not always be okay with preferring masturbation to other kind of sex or sex with someone else. But before you make your mind up that this is you, I think you should think about all of the stuff you’ve been taught about masturbating (and try to forget it).

Worried About Masturbating Too Much?

Want To Work Out What Kind of Sex You Want?

How To Enjoy Solo Sex More

© Justin Hancock, 2017

15 thoughts on “Is Masturbation Better Than Sex?

  1. A very well balanced article. Thankyou for putting a bit of balanced input into a fairly unbalanced world. When I read it I thought yeah that has to be right….

  2. Hi I am 27 male and was virgin till couple of months ago. I have been masturbating with porn for last 10 years and enjoyed it 3-4 times a week on average. I had sex in last 2 months with multiple partners, but didn’t feel nearly as good as masturbating myself. Each time (out of total 7) I was not able to ejaculate or even come close to orgasm inside Vagina. I feel like its mechanical and no friction and pleasure. I ended up masturbating myself or my partner help me with that after trying too hard. Now I’m really upset about my future wife and my sexual life. Is this something normal or should I see a doctor?

    1. Great question! An easier way to think about this is that masturbation is a form of sex, that you can do by yourself or with another person. So if you masturbate with your partner that totally counts as sex and if you enjoy it then that’s all fine. Try not to ‘make yourself normal’ because a) there is no normal and b) it won’t work anyway. Instead of trying to make your body ‘do’ normal things, instead just try to focus on the feelings and the sensations that you are having at the time. This way you might enjoy sex more and you may also start to experience orgasm more easily. Try reading this article How to Enjoy Sex More

  3. there is countless evidence that porn is harmful, to the extent that a study on porn’s effects on the brain now cannot be ethically carried out again due to how severe the effects turned out to be, but ok let’s spread this misinformation that watching graphic, voyeuristic depictions of (almost always) rape is normal and healthy

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