We might feel more pleasure the more we have sex, but only if we can pay attention to our body and what it might do.
I lost my virginity about 2 weeks ago (girl, 19) and initially it hurt but it doesn’t hurt anymore. I have had sex a few times since the very first time, however I can’t really feeling anything. The guy is doing everything right but I’m not feeling ‘pleasure’ as sex is described. Is this normal? Will I start to feel pleasure the more I have sex as I’m still new to it all.
Thanks for your really great question! I’m sure a lot of people who are new to sex will be having the same thoughts, so I hope that this helps them and you.
I’m sad that it hurt initially. A lot of people think that first time sex is supposed to hurt for girls but it really isn’t. It’s not your fault that it hurt, but I just want everyone else to know that the only reason that first time sex hurts is because we tell people that first time sex hurts. Here are some articles about how to prevent painful sex and also how to make first time sex really great.
More pleasure over time
You could start to feel more pleasure from having sex. When we’re new to anything to do with our bodies (for example a new kind of exercise, or going dancing for the first time, or trying out a new bath) it’s generally something we learn to enjoy more over time. However this is also because we learn to notice the things we enjoy and we adjust how we do them. It’s harder to do this for sex because there are so many ‘should stories’ about how we should be having sex. This means that we often pay less attention to ourselves and more to how we are supposed to do something.
Here are the latest posts. Yes, they are all this good!
Maybe it’s the sex that you are having
From what you describe I’m making a guess that the kind of sex you are having is penis in vagina sex. If that is the kind of sex you’re having then it’s just really important to know that most women don’t orgasm from it. Many women find it too painful to do and a lot of women, like you, just find that it doesn’t do much for them. I’ve written about this here (which includes studies and stats).
This is one of the leading sex and relationships education websites and I need your support to keep it free and ad free. Find out how you can support what I’m doing here.
One of the reasons for this is that penis in vagina sex is more stimulating for penises than many vaginas. As I explain in this article about why penis in vagina sex is meh, the head of the penis is very sensitive and gets a lot of attention from PiV, but the head of the clitoris doesn’t get so much. So if you have a clitoris and if that is the most sensitive part of your body, maybe think about having sex which stimulates that instead. Masturbation, dry humping, sex toys, etc etc.
Maybe it is how you are having it
There are a few different ways that you could make penis in vagina sex more pleasurable. You could have other kinds of sex before, during, and afterwards for example. So a lot of people like to, for example, masturbate before, during or after penis in vagina sex.
It’s also possible that the positions in which you are having sex are not doing it for you. Different positions can sometimes help to direct the penis into a different part of the vagina, which might feel more pleasurable, or comfortable. Also different positions means that you get different views of each other. You might prefer a position where you can see the guy, or not see the guy.
You might also not be able to enjoy it if your basic needs aren’t being met, you haven’t been able to talk about safer sex (which might be stressing you out), or if you haven’t done much talking about what you might actually want.
Let’s not get obsessed with bodies though
But let’s not get obsessed with bodies though. Or at least, bodies as biological organs that do things. With sex, when we feel safe, encouraged, and cared for, our bodies can be capable of doing very different things. A bit like the high that people get when they go for a run, or the intense relaxation of a bath, or how the body tingles and crunches up when are giggling really hard at something.
Our bodies can do this if we try to just allow for it to happen. This means that we have to also engage with our surroundings, the other person, our fantasies, our sexy memories, the music that’s playing, the story of your relationship, the excitement of trying new things. It’s not just about one bit of the body going inside another bit of the body.
Paying attention is key
So this means that what we need to do to enjoy sex (or anything) more is to carefully and gently pay attention to what our body is doing and also might do. Paying attention just means noticing what’s going on. When you do this for you, the other person, and also everything else that is going on in the room, and in your head, things can really start to spiral upwards into pleasure.
So can you take more notice of things like: breath, noises, sounds, words, temperature, tingling, memories, thoughts, sensations, the vibe between you, facial expressions, eyes, changing skin colour or texture, goosebumps. To help you do all of this you could try just slowing everything down. Don’t just follow the script of what you should be doing (which is really really hard) but just try to focus on the now. Instead of ‘having sex’, just try doing all of this the next time you make out (which is also probably sex but who cares).
I’ve got an article and a video about how to enjoy sex more.
Also I co-wrote a book on how to enjoy sex more called A Practical Guide to Sex, it’s available worldwide and is all about this stuff.
If you want to get really geeky about sex try my Teach Yourself Sex Ed course (honestly, if you do that you will be more of a sex expert than 99% of the population).
Hope you find that helpful!
Comment below if you like. I moderate all comments before they appear, so don’t be cheeky!
See what else you can find out about today!
A-Z of Porn About You Abuse Arousal Ask Bish Bisexual Body Image Clitoris Communication Condoms Consent Contraception Coronavirus Dry Humping Ejaculation Feelings Friendships Gender Kissing Law Love Masturbation Oral Sex Orgasm Parents Penis Pleasure Porn Positions Pregnancy Pressure Relationships Safer Sex Saying No Self Care Self Esteem Services Sex Education Sexting STIs Teach yourself Team Bish The Right Time Trust Vagina
© Justin Hancock, 2023
If you have a question that I’ve not already answered you can ask me here
I’ve kind of given up on social media as they keep deplatforming sex education! Most of my readers stay updated via email. So sign up here and get an automatic email every time I post a new article on here.
You can buy my book wherever you buy books. If you buy it via my Bookshop then I earn more money and that helps me keep this website running.
This website is free and free of adverts. To keep it that way it relies on your support. Here are all of the ways you can support BISH and keep us going.
If you’re over 18 and would like an advanced version of BISH check out my podcast Culture Sex Relationships. Also I’ve written a sex advice book for adults with Meg-John Barker called A Practical Guide to Sex available wherever you get books. We also did some zines to help you to figure out what you want from sex and relationships. They are at our website.
If you are an educator please don’t just show this website in class, they aren’t designed to be used as teaching resources. Instead, facilitate your own really great RSE with my resources at bishtraining.com.
Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. He’s a member of the World Association for Sexual Health.