Here’s a long explanation of why some people get more pleasure out of different parts of their body being touched than others.
Subject: Need help with female anatomy (I am a female).
Message: Hey there! First off, thanks for helping me out, blogs like this are really useful for folks like me that are new to this and don’t know who to ask.
You’re absolutely welcome and thank you for letting me know. I’ll add that to the list of nice things people say about BISH.
Okay, bit of context. I’m a lesbian, and we’re both 16. We recently had intercourse (if you can call it that), and we noticed that my girlfriend, for some reason, doesn’t seem to feel any pleasure when stimulating her clitoris, only where the g spot would be. Do you have any idea why this could be? We’re new to this and we’re honestly stumped here.
Thanks again 🙂
No worries. So I’ve already emailed you with the short answer, here is the loooooong answer! Some of it will apply to you but I’ve also written it so that it will apply to other people too.
(Dear reader. I’m not going to explain the complicated terminology of the G spot area here. Please do click the link below to learn more about that, why it’s not a spot but an area and whereabouts it is)
Read more about the clitoris, the G spot area, and the vagina
The Body
Although it’s good to learn a bit from websites like mine about anatomy it should only be a starting point. Yes the outside bit of the clitoris has many nerve endings and so can be very sensitive. However, that doesn’t mean that everyone will enjoy that area being touched. All bodies work in different ways, at different times, for lots of different reasons. I’ll explain some of these different reasons below.
There might be bodily reasons for your girlfriend preferring you to touch her G spot area than the glans of her clitoris. For some people the glans of the clitoris (the bit on the outside) can be so sensitive that it is not that pleasurable to be touched directly or at all. She might prefer her G spot area to be touched because that also stimulates the clitoris but from the inside, which can feel very different. Remember that most of the clitoris is inside the body and it can be stimulated from inside the vagina as well as outside. There is the prostate gland which is situated along the top wall of the vagina. A lof of people get pleasure from being touched. So it could have been that.
Maybe it’s how you were touching it
It could also have been how you were touching her clitoris compared with how you were touching her G spot area. Maybe her preference is for a softer or harder touch on the clitoris but when you were touching the G spot it was just right. Maybe touching the G spot area felt good because you were touching other things before that. It might also be about where your hand or other bit of your body was resting. Sometimes we think it’s one body part, but it’s actually another!
Because a lot of the sex education we get is fixated on genitals, we often don’t feel like we can talk about something that felt good that wasn’t to do with our genitals. For example, from oral sex people might like the feeling someone’s hair stroking their body, or the feeling of someone’s stubble against their thigh, as much or even more than being licked. Another example is getting into a sexual position for ‘genital on genital action’ (eg the missionary position). A lot of people really enjoy the thigh on thigh, or chest on chest even more than the genitals.
You might find my ‘Teach Yourself Sex Ed’ course useful. It’s all free and this one on The Body is great
The Mind (which is the body, keep up)
Don’t just think about your genitals but think about the whole body, which includes your minds too. Sex isn’t just about touch, where we do it and how expertly we do it. It’s about thoughts, feelings, imagination, all of our senses, and the dynamic, or ‘the vibe’. It really doesn’t matter how ‘expertly’ someone is stroking someone’s clitoris. If someone is feeling detached, or distracted, or nervous, or bored, or uncomfortable it’s just not going to do it for them. It’s all about vibe.
When you were touching your girlfriend’s clitoris she might not have been in the right headspace. Perhaps when you were touching her G spot area she was. During sexual activity bodies can change a lot due to arousal. When aroused, the clitoris fills with blood and expands, and it feels throbby and hard. Touching the clitoris when aroused is a lot different to touching it when it is resting. Experiencing pleasure is as much about being in the headspace where we can feel aroused enough to enjoy being touched.
Read more about arousal and desire
Bodies and minds are the same
Our bodies are our minds and our minds are our bodies. Related to this, our bodies can store memories which means that it can be more difficult for us to enjoy some areas being touched than others. If someone has experienced pain, or trauma, or stigma, or shame about a particular area of their body then it can be hard for people to feel pleasure from it.
A lot of people feel shame about their genitals from a young age because of everything we learn about how they ‘should’ look. The same is also true for other parts of our body and also penises. So sometimes there might be areas of the body we need to avoid with people. Or do other things first. Or which require some preparation to make us feel okay about doing (eg lube, or turning the lights down, or them touching themselves first, or keeping pants on).
Making other bodies do things is not sexy
Sometimes people might have had an experience that makes it difficult for them to feel sexy about their genitals. Eg if a previous partner really focuses on a particular area ‘to make someone come’. That person can start to feel a bit of shame that their body isn’t responding in the way that it ‘should’. This can spiral and make it even more not sexy. Men have told me that this happens to them about their penises a lot too.
How to feel better about your body
The dynamics of people having sex with each other can really make a huge difference to how we respond to sex. What was going on between you both when things were feeling really pleasurable and when they were not as good? Were you relaxed together, what feelings were going on for both of you, what was the environment like. What was the vibe? Also think about the roles you may have been taking on during sex: was one of you taking the lead and the other being lead. Were you doing things to each other or with each other.
What Our Minds (and our bodies) Learn
Our minds (which are our bodies remember) can also be affected by what we are taught about sex and what kinds of sexual touch are okay and which aren’t. There are a lot of messages about what is normal and what we ‘should’ be doing. I write about it a lot at BISH, a lot of it is historical and has been around for hundreds of years and these messages are bad and I wish we didn’t have them. These messages can really mess with our heads and make it hard for us to learn what we like. However sometimes we use what we are taught and find ways to make it super sexy.
Why penis in vagina sex is seen as default (a history lesson)
Often people find internal touching hot, in part, because we are taught that this is how we are ‘supposed to have sex’. Doing something that is seen as ‘normal’ can be hot. It might sound a bit messed up that people might prefer internal stimulation because of what we are taught, rather than the biology of how bodies work and where the nerve endings are, but it’s not.
About people not enjoying penis in vagina sex
Our bodies include our minds and our minds are in the world, listening to what everyone is telling us about sex and gender, and sexuality, and relationships. Sex is messy and it’s complicated. The reasons that we do or don’t get pleasure from it have as much to do with what we have learnt, and what we are thinking, as much as what our bodies are doing. Remember, our bodies are our minds and our minds are our bodies.
The Answer
So what’s the answer to your question? It’s good to learn the basics about anatomy so that we can learn about how we might touch each other without it hurting each other and how we ‘might’ make it enjoyable. However, it’s only a starting point. Everyone’s bodies work in different ways at different times. Ourbodies are not just our bodies but also our minds and what our minds learn about what our bodies should do. It’s very complicated but if we pay more attention to books and websites rather than the human being(s) that we are with then we’re not going to be having pleasurable, mutual, or even consensual sex.
Write your own biology textbook
Be an expert of your own body and what works for you and try to do the same for your girlfriend. It sounds like this is what you’re doing already, which is great. If one sexual activity isn’t working out, try a different one.
Also try to slow down during sex and be in the moment more. Notice what is actually feeling nice, rather than thinking about what should always feel nice. Also do a lot more talking about the sex you have: before, during, and after. Especially after. Chat about the things that went well and the things you might prefer for next time. Also remember that how people respond to sex changes a lot both during sex but also over time.
Other resources
You might also want to read
Being Good At Sex
How to Make First Time Sex Better
Doing Sex Talk and Communication
I’ve also written a book for adults about this. More details at megjohnandjustin.com/publications
Comment below if you like. I moderate all comments before they appear, so don’t be cheeky!
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© Justin Hancock, 2023
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Justin Hancock has been a trained sex and relationships educator since 1999. In that time he’s taught and given advice about sex and relationships with thousands of young people in person and millions online. He’s a member of the World Association for Sexual Health.
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